Received a strange request in the post

Good alternative suggestions

*home, not house

As long as you've verified that she is who she says she is, then I'd do it. Leave it to your husband if you want, as he seems less bothered by it.

OP, HRFT but I personally wouldn't let a total stranger in my house. First, for your own safety and safety of your family. 2) the trauma is not in the house, it's in her mind, so she can heal it without going to your house. 3) What would she do if the the place she felt abused, has been demolished? 4) What would she do if the person who abused her, has now died? Would she need to bring them back to life from their graves so she can speak to them? I have all sympathy for her, but it's YOUR house now, and she wasn't abused in YOUR house.

I would ask to speak to the therapist - not about details but to check this was something the therapist thought would help. Also consider having someone else you trust accompany her and the strict condition she is not to divulge what happened in each room.

Not necessarily. The OP has been given a mobile number which shows up a name and potentially a photo. It doesn’t mean that it is the person she thinks it is. I can put any name and photo on WhatsApp that I choose.

I had a traumatic childhood, absolutely dire, abuse, police, drugs, addiction, mental health issues, I've thought a few times I'd love to go back to that place for a few minutes...see that the disgusting bathroom we had is nice, my little brothers bedroom, clean and comforting, my old room, welcoming for its current owner, the kitchen, with everything a 'normal' family has... no one owes me that, but I agree, as a 'trauma survivor' no matter what that could be, I'd help. Remember though OP, you don't owe it though if it could harm your own mental health, etc.

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

Bizarre way of thinking when someone has reached out for help but each to their own I suppose. You will get a lot of replies on MN along the lines of, how dare she ask etc..but many many people on here think it is outrageous if someone knocks on their and believe that to be intrusive and unreasonable.

Personally, I would not hesitate to help someone who is going through tremendous healing as I don’t think they’re enough kindness in the world nowadays.

This a hundred times over. I couldn't have written it better myself.

This

I agree, people are assuming that some very traumatic and likely violent event happened there and that the OP will then think about it whenever she enters x room. That's not necessarily the case.
This lady could have had an unhappy emotionally neglectful childhood which is symbolised by the house in her mind.

The real world is quite different from mumsnet. On mumsnet, a man walking his dog behind you or cycling past you is a threat. In the real world, most of us don’t actually live in fear of men.

It is a sort of self indulgence to imagine you could help. Steer clear.

I agree with this and the excellent post from @Weareoutofwine. So many posters saying "it will only take 10 minutes", "it's such a minor request". That completely minimises what this is - someone trying to overcome a trauma so significant that they've sought professional help. Sure, many/most of us would want to help, but realistically are nowhere near qualified for the reaction she might have.
**

Another one that would facilitate this. Can also imagine how it would indeed be helpful seeing a once familiar place in an entirely different way.

That's really not a fair thing to say to someone. It's up to this woman's therapist and healthcare providers to work together to heal her trauma. Not the OP.

I'm medically diagnosed psychopath I have no empathy to others. So I really don't care what others think about me in return.

I’d ask if her therapist could get in touch with you too, so it’s official.

@tmreunion

All the people banging on about "why not" and "be kind" are not appreciating the effect trauma can have on people. Supposing she isnt ready for this and starts talking about harming herself or starts shaking and crying in the lounge- what do you suggest the OP does about that? the OP isnt her therapist and is not equipped to cope with such a reaction.

Being kind doesnt mean you are qualified to deal with someone else's trauma- thats exactly why professionals exist. Its not a matter of kindness, its a matter of someone with trauma getting the right and most appropriate support. All the good intentions in the world doesnt mean you can actually help someone with deep seated psychological issues from past abuse, in fact, you could actually make things worse. I'm also a bit suspicious about this- most trauma therapies now do not involve re-visiting old places, EMDR for example is focused on going within to centre yourself in a calm, safe place in your mind. The idea that to process trauma you have to constantly re-visit it is very, very outdated now from a therapeutic perspective and studies have shown that its not very effective at all and there are better ways.

I would let her do it. However she needs this for healing and with how you feel about it I would be concerned that you may make it worse for her. I don’t mean that harsh but she will likely pick up on your distrustful vibe. So think if you can do it with an open heart. Or ask someone else to be there.

I personally couldn’t return to my childhood home. I hope it’s a happy loving place now, I certainly hope my memories wouldn’t taint it for anyone else and maybe it would be nice to see it ‘moved on’. But people heal in different ways. 10minutes of your time could really help someone.

I would grant her request. The potential upside to her is huge and while as a stranger you owe her nothing, perhaps you could try to reframe your experience of the situation not as her tainting your home, but rather you both working together to un-taint her mind, so to speak. Her visit wouldn't be tainting, but rather healing, for her, so it may be possible for you to enter into that headspace?

The issue with the 'be kind' brigade is that they're anything but kind.

What they say when they type that soundbite is 'be kind to ME!' Or, they nominate others to be kind when, actually, their interference could be ill-advised or downright detrimental to that person's interests (as is a strong possibility in this case).

They never use this phrase in the context of themselves being genuinely kind and altruistic to another person. If they did this, they'd offer their own experience - even painful experience - or time, or supportive words to help other posters who are in a quandary, or who might be suffering at the hands of others.

Instead of this they just show up on those threads to tell these women to be kind to those who abuse them.

I agree with the first poster above. They can fuck off.

You think she is trying to taint your home for you? What a selfish, self absorbed, twisted way to look at it. Is that seriously your reaction? Wow.

Firstly, it isn’t unusual. People knock on doors of their old houses all the time and ask to have a peak. You actually know this is the daughter of the people you bought the home from so it’s doubly not odd. You know it isn’t a scam.
Secondly, her experience in the house does nothing to taint it for you. It’s about her. It isn’t about you. Stop trying to make it so.

You don’t have to let her round. She simply asked, and she asked for good reason, but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. But why wouldn’t you? I would, it doesn’t affect you in any way, it won’t have any lasting impact on your or cause you any inconvenience outside of the time she is there. It won’t taint anything for you. And it might help another human being heal a little.

Yeah I agree, I think it’s very unfair on the OP to make out she’s being selfish. I agree the writer won’t have been ‘trying’ to taint it but if you’re someone with high levels of emotional sensitivity - or trauma or ourself 2 this can really affect you, particularly if it’s in your safe space/ refuge.

There are probably time in my life when I would be more amenable to this request - when I don't have children at home who come before anyone else - when I don't have big external worries as we do at the moment and I am mentally robust .

However I'm an introvert my home frequently is my sanctuary - though unlike some on MN I can and do answer the door and like guests - and this would always be a big ask from a total stranger for me - others never feel that same need for that sanctuary so their answers will be different but trying to guilt Op feelings and worries away isn't very kind.

I would. What happened in the house cannot impact you, but could really help her.

I would do it. I grew up on an old converted school, we used to get lots of requests from ex pupils wanting to have a look around.
If you’re worried about the impact on you meeting her & seeing her reactions then make sure you’re out. Maybe you could ask a friend or work colleague to show her around your home, someone who could almost show her around your home like an estate agent would.
You’ve got an opportunity to do something altruistic which could massively improve this woman’s life, help her.