Received a strange request in the post

SerafinasGoose

You show me what I’ve written that would be a breach. I’ve simply stated that exposure is a valid part of therapy - so the request does make sense. I’ve said that I would - depending on my resource. I’ve said the OP should decide and there is no need for her to do it. I’ve said it could be really healing. Nowhere have I said she should. Nowhere have I said that it will be beneficial. I have shared my personal view, backed up by my professional knowledge. I’m not offering therapeutic advice. So tell me how I’ve breached a code of conduct.

I would help her as well. I agree with pp that she's not trying to taint the house, she's thinking of her healing and the letter was polite and explained it well.

No it actually states that most clinicians avoid it . And that research " suggests" . Nothing concrete there. If the therapist I went to suggested this to me I would report them .

This really struck a chord with me. I moved away from the house I grew up in under really unhappy circumstances. A few years ago, my brother was visiting from abroad, and we did a drive by of our old neighbourhood. Our old house had a for sale sign outside, and my brother rather brazenly knocked on the door, and told the lovely couple who were selling it who we were. They invited us in, and showed us round. It was such a help seeing it again, and remembering that we’d been happy there until our family fell apart.
I’ve never forgotten their kindness, and if the OP feels that she can help, it might make all the difference to somebody’s life.

In response, I'd recommend you read your professional ethics.

SerafinasGoose

Read what I’ve written more carefully. No advice given. Just a perspective.

I would do it. If if your home is a happy place perhaps that will help her. I think it is brave of her to ask.

When DH was a child his dad built a house for them in an area that they lived in for about 4 years. Most of the memories DH has about his childhood, some good and some bad, are from that time. He often refers to it. His Dad left the family a couple of years after they moved away from that area and they haven't had much of a relationship since.
Anyway. a few years ago we were in the same area as that house and we were able to find it. DH knocked on the door and asked if he could take some photos and the owner of the house was fine with that. He would have loved to go in but didn't ask.
It was a very special experience for him and brought backsome of the few good memories he has of his dad,

Surely it would take a lot of courage for her to contact you?

IF it's genuine and she is not some weird stalker who dated your H 20 years ago and is checking him out!

I'd be inclined to ask for the contact details of her therapist so you can be sure that it's a genuine request. And check out the therapist in case the woman just gives you a friend's details.

Megifer

Ha ha ha. Brilliant. I am an expert. Trained in CBT and EMDR for trauma, also several other models - with 30 plus years experience. There are people with more expertise than me but in terms of the general population - I have expertise. A lot of expertise.

I was sharing a very brief thing about why it would make sense that a therapist might suggest this. I know nothing about the OP, the woman in the letter, the therapist or the stage they have come to in their work.

I do know that facing the things we avoid because they cause us distress/anxiety/disturbance can help if done at the right time in the right way. This therapist and client are responsible for if it’s the right time and how to do it in the right way. Not me. Not you. Not the OP. The OP has a choice to facilitate or not. She could be a really helpful part of this woman’s healing journey.

Yes I would facilitate this - but you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable with.

I'd help.

You dont know what her trauma is. There's no reason it has to "taint" your house and the life you've lived there. Trauma could be all sorts - bullying, self harm due to mental health issues, periods of eating disorders, family bereavements.

All she's done is sent a polite letter. I don't see what's that odd about it.

You know of the person writing so far less likely she’s trying to scam you. Her request sounds genuine. Why wouldn’t you help her? It’s not going to cost you but could really help her for the sake of a little of your time.

It could quite easily taint other people's lives that may be vulnerable to it . Its traumatic information that cannot be easily forgotten. I suffer from PTSD and would never involve other people in my past trauma. Just as others trauma can be triggering to me . Any therapist who suggested this should be reported .

I wonder what that woman has done so far to heal? Has she spoken to the abuser? Probably not - straight to somebody's home

And would not be offering professional or expert advice on the internet to people they've never even met.

If you're really an 'expert' you'll know what you have written is inaccurate, whether exposure will help depends entirely on the individual, the circumstances, and where they are in their therapy.

I've only read the first page of replies but very pleasantly surprised to see everyone encouraging you to facilitate if. I definitely would or at least ask DH as he has no issue with it.

There was a thread here before where the OP received a similar request but from a friend on behalf of her friend (who OP sort of knew) who had coincidentally lived there when she was young. OP had refused if I remember correctly and her immediate friend (who had communicated the request) was peeved. Replies were very divided which I couldn't understand.

Another poster made a contribution to that thread about how she had suffered horrendous abuse as a child along with other children at an institution. It had all come out eventually. She, now an adult, used to go and look at the house. One day the owner came out and approached her. He had guessed she was one of the kids and invited her inside to see how it had changed. It was all painted bright colours and various attempts had been made to expel the bad energy. She found it comforting. I thought she was so brave and so generous to share her story.

I think you should let this woman.

When I was grieving heavily for my dad I thought about asking the owners of my childhood home if I could see inside as it was the last place we had lived together as a family. I realised it was too much of an ask as pretty much everyone grieves their parents' death and doesn't ask to barge into private homes.

It doesn’t say anywhere in OPs thread that she ever met the daughter 15 years ago,

So you're a scammer, and you've gone to all the effort to create fake social media profiles for a real person, and you decide to monetise this effort... by researching where this person lived as a child, and writing to the current owner of this home asking to look around for ten minutes?

I’d also say yes for her, because if I was in a situation like hers I would hope to be helped, but for me, if I felt uncomfortable with it I would ask a good friend to accompany her around.

OP AS SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERTISE IN TRAUMA WORK:

This sounds genuine and would be called ‘exposure’ in therapy terms. Facing those reminders and triggers of past trauma, (that we often try and avoid), can help our body to heal. It’s much more scientific than that, but I shan’t bore you with the details neuroscience and theory.

If you can find it in your heart to allow this - and may be even offer her a cup of tea, a biscuit and a warm welcome - may be some empathy - it could really help her healing.

There is, of course, no need or requirement for you to do this, it would generous and altruistic, but you could create something really positive in the world.

Depending on how well resourced I was feeling, I would say yes to this. I can’t see much risk to you to be honest.

It’d be a ‘no’ from me.

It’s good she’s working through whatever trauma she has, but that’s none of your business and nothing you want to get involved with. Plus you aren’t aware of whatever happened in that house before you and have lived happily, so why learn things you can’t unlearn that could make you unhappy in your own house.

Is it possible you feel a bit vulnerable at the moment?

I ask this because you said the following:

’She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it. ‘

This woman’s trauma can’t taint you or your home.
It may feel sad while she’s there but that’s her sadness and you can always say no or get someone else to show her around.

I appreciated the sarcasm, but she has buried something in HER house, now it's someone else's house, so chance are there nothing under the floorboard, so that proofs my point - no need to visit

I think it took her a lot to write that and would say yes. It’s personal choice maybe your husband can show her around.

Still wondering whether the talk about what therapists would/wouldn't do comes from people with any expertise in the area.

They might very well have experience of the kinds of ethics all professionals have to abide by.

Failure to conduct risk assessments when working with vulnerable participants, diverting traumatised clients to homes that could belong to anyone without conducting proper checks, failure to consider how the dynamics of abuse can attract abusers, or that the dynamics between therapist and client can be problematic and this might easily transfer itself onto the home-owner, divesting their responsibilities as a therapist onto a completely unknown and uninvolved bystander: all these are rudimentary issues that it wouldn't take any 'expertise' in a particular profession to know are highly dodgy and not exemplars of any kind of 'best practice'. Any ethics committee would have a field day with this.

It's far more likely that the 'client', if such there is, has at best embellished their situation to elicit sympathy and persuade the home owner to do what she wants. As a PP above points out, this alone is problematic because it's manipulative, and therefore bodes nothing positive for either the traumatised woman or the OP.

If I knew for certain that any counsellor or psychotherapist was behaving in such an unprofessional manner, I'd report them.