To not want to help FIL after surgery?

There surely has to be a happy medium here, no you don’t need to be throwing yourself into his care, but surely a little show of kindness towards him wouldn’t do any harm and would be nice for your mother in law.
I just down get all this anger that so many PP seem to nurture, anger is like acid it eats away at you and does no one any good.

I'm a bit puzzled as to what actual help he needs anyway.

Presumably the MIL does the cooking and cleaning already? The FIL doesn't sound like a man who would put himself out to do housework.

Your husband should be able to take up to 5 days as carers leave

Why should the OP even drop round with flowers and a card? It is just putting her into the lions' den. If she visits, she would be subject to comments and hints and jibes from MIL, FIL and even her DH how she should be helping FIL. That would be subjecting her to even more guilt

As for Cook vouchers..... nice thought - but her inlaws and even her DH were not considerate at all when she was finding it tough caring for her own sick parents.

You reap what you sow. Karma gets you in the end!

After the next DH whinge about parents sad they're being ignored, say "Wow - I bet they really wish they'd been kinder to everyone now".

Doctor here who works in Geriatric Rehabilitation. It is extremely extremely unlikely he was really told to stay in bed for 4 weeks after a standard prostate op .

He either misunderstood or is having you all on.

Support your husband in his disappointment in his siblings but if he gets mad at you , you say clearly that yes your siblings do let the family down, it is very upsetting, but you may not put it on me. I’m not your dads verbal punchbag and I’m not your punchbag either.

As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.

Hi - he would be entitled to help if his bed rest is medically prescribed and your MIL is not physically able to care for him. Are you saying he is lying about being told about the bed rest ?

He won't be medically prescribed bed rest, as others have mentioned that is the fastest way to a serious post operative complication like a blood clot or pneumonia, which no surgeon is going to actively encourage. It may be that he has misunderstood the advice which he has been given.

Snippysocks What bollocks is this?? You are definitely taking the piss 😂
be really really kind and helpful
sweetly tell him
peck on his cheek
modelling good behaviour
Would you tell a man to do all of that too?

OP is the little woman so she needs to bend over backwards and #bekind to a man that has been abusive towards her? People like you and her Fil are what’s wrong with the world. Abusive men and the women that enables the abusers. Fluffyboos is refusing to be a doormat to people who are vile to her. Good for her.

Yes he's lying! There isn't any surgery that would involve you being confined to your bed for month. This is really outdated advice that no surgeon in their right mind would be giving. Prostate surgery is pretty routine. He might need to take it easy for a little while but should be up and about as soon as he possibly can be

Have a long hard look at how your husband is behaving towards you OP.

He accepted your in laws being nasty and unkind towards you.

Had nothing to do with helping your parents.

Now is stroppy because you will not be involved with his parents when his own siblings refuse.

Sounds like you married a real dud, like his father.

If you don't have children, rethink.

If you do, protect yourself.

Where a warm loving in law relationship is involved it would be natural to be involved.

But in a situation like this and a husband who cares little for you, no way would I even visit these people.

Your husband is trying to pass future caring on to you asap, and set a precedent.

Absolutely NO involvement whatsoever is the way to go.

suggest you increase your hours to full time and suggest he reduces his. He can then pick up all of your extra jobs at home and care for parents in law.

Watch how he reacts to that suggestion.

Hi - he would be entitled to help if his bed rest is medically prescribed and your MIL is not physically able to care for him. Are you saying he is lying about being told about the bed rest ?

Not your Dad, not your problem! There’s no way I would be going to help my FIL while my husband stood idly by - and he has siblings too!

Find it hard to believe that he’ll be on 4 weeks bedrest while mothers are up and walking 7 hours after a c section, which is major abdominal surgery.

Just another story of men and their seemingly unending bullshit.

District nurses have far too much to do already, without popping in to see lazy entitled men who just need an additional skivvy for a few weeks.

Oh and 4 weeks bed rest is bollocks. He’s haming it up and wants the women folk to wait on him hand and foot.
my MIL went into hospital and complained that the wimen folk didn’t rally round and feed and do completely capable FILs food and washing. Cos you know he’s a man

You are 100% right.
They are from the generation that believe you can shit all over people and still get care.

You owe them nothing. He can send a card did he wants. He didn’t help your parents.

My first thought. They are probably going to need long term help. It's out there but it has to be paid for.
Your husband is doing a great job of guilt tripping you. Don't fall into that trap.

Well done OP for standing your ground . Husbands lack of sensitivity and understanding for anyone else’s point of view seems hereditary .
His parents are takers not givers, OP owes them nothing especially as they showed no support when her dad was I’ll .
Let H get off his bottom and do the caring. Don’t expect a light bulb moment though , he sounds too self absorbed for that

Could your MiL contact their gp and they can arrange temporary carers / District nurse to help ?

Op you need to learn to grey rock your husband's comments about his parents. Just don't engage; respond with bland comments like, 'oh dear, that's tough'. 'Hmmm' 'oh really?' but without sounding too interested or bothered. He WILL try to guilt trip you into serving his undeserving parents. Don't get involved. Google 'grey rock' for more handy phrases.

I wonder how awful these parents are that not one their other children have even gone to visit them despite living nearby? Seems like they all have the measure of their parents.

What do they really need help with after his surgery? There will just be the normal chores for her eg laundry and preparing meals. If she is not able to do this then that is a bigger problem. Provision then needs to be made for some home help. You are right not to do it.

I was going to ask this, what help do they actually need ? Is it the case that FIL is the person who does all the cleaning, laundry, meal prep etc ? In which case all of this can be dealt with easily, a cleaner can be hired, ready meals bought and DH can always chuck a couple of loads of washing in for them ? @fluffyboos

Cancer Research has this to say:

^Your nurses and physiotherapists help you to move around as soon as possible. They check you’re doing your breathing and leg exercises. This helps you recover.
You might be sitting in a chair within 12 hours of your operation. The day after, you’ll be walking around your hospital room.^

If it's robotic surgery he's having, it's even sooner.

I also think it's your DFIL who needs to apologise.

Your DH and his siblings can easily do shopping and breakfast and evening meal and cleaning between them. They just think it will be easier if you do it.

I wonder if the husband has said "Well - if you didn't treat @fluffyboos like something that had come in on the sole of your shoe, then she'd be more than happy to help you out."

I'll bet he didn't.