To not want to help FIL after surgery?

We had this and I discovered that FIL had never even peeled a potato or made a cup of tea in his entire life. MIL wore herself into the ground running around after him and DH.
When he had tonsillitis he took himself to bed where he stayed, unwashed, unshaven for 6 weeks. He developed drop foot and MIL nearly killed herself running up and down the stairs. Utterly disgraceful but typical of the situation that they lived in.

You really did marry a dud from a dud family.

That his siblings want nothing to do with the parents says everything and your husband wants to use you.

I wouldn't trust a man of that character as far as I would throw him.

Are the siblings friendly with your husband or do they see him clearly too?

He's a user who wants to protect his inheritance ahead of his wife.

You have been well warned.

Don't trust him as far as you can throw him, he hasn't character nor integrity.

I was literally just coming to say the same thing!! Why on earth does the FIL think he needs to pack himself off to bed for 4 weeks? Unless in a critical condition the days of bed rest are long gone… The benefits of early, gentle mobilisation are well documented! Yes he may need to take it easy for a few weeks and not be able to drive, but that doesn’t make him incapacitated!

I'd suggest to DH that he needs to be having this conversation with his siblings, not you.

“As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.”

@EqualityWhatequality well done on seeing the light .....but....NO....there is no compromise with abusive or non reciprocal relationships....you still have a bit more de-conditioning to go through....

Anger is an amazing emotion. It creates change. It gets women to say no.

Resentment eats away. An anger that simmers away under the surface when someone does something out of duty, rather than freely chosen is much more destructive than just saying no, sod off.

I think that’s you, to a degree, not all women. I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for not helping a man who was nasty to me.

Keep a check on his oppressive attitude towards you. Seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Yep, he is as nasty and disrespectful of the OP as they are. He is his father's son alright.

OP you are not your husband’s slave to be loaned out to your in-laws as a career.
They need to get an assessment by the LA (their surgery will know the procedure) regarding assistance with their care. Their own children can assist with this.
Stay strong, you are entitled to feel as you do.

The real elephant in the room is why their own children don’t want to help their parents.

Pivot the conversation that way to your DH. Perhaps like you they were treated like shit and have withdrawn.

That must be a painful realisation for the ILs and your DH - so painful in fact they can’t face it but instead are re-directing / projecting thar anger and obligation on to you.

Well done for standing your ground. Sounds like this is only a recent thing for you if it was only in May that you have withdrawn and FIL is 78.

You will soon realise that you tried too hard for too long.

You reap what you sow - applies to your DH as much as the ILs. Keep a check on his oppressive attitude towards you. Seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Keep busy with more rewarding and reciprocal family and friends - they will keep you strong and balanced.

Personally I'd say if I took chocolates over to them they'd be laced with something so he really doesn't want me to do that, but I hate injustice and I'm outspoken and assertive so I roll like that.

Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work who does not have your back. If my FIL and PILs treated me like that, he would walk away from them and never look back. He would choose me, his wife. He would in fact, demand they apologise, or else he would go NC. Your husband sounds ok with his own wife being treated like shit. What do you get out of this marriage, to a man who chooses his parents over his own wife and shows absolutely no loyalty to you whatsoever, and even further, expects you to continue to put yourself out to being abused? This to me is an LTB and I'd dump your 'D' H and wouldn't look back. Over this I really would.

I would lay down the law (although I would have left him the first time he kept seeing them without demanding an apology) and say to him that there is a reason no one likes him, they got what they deserve and they deserve to be alone with no help because they are reaping what they sowed. And that he needs to work out where his loyalty lies; who he wants to make the least angry. Them, or the woman he married and lives with, he's lucky you're still with him and that may change if he doesn't change his attitude. And that you despise them and will never see them or speak to them again until they apologise and show gratitude for all you've done. That you will never change your mind, and if he knows whats good for him he will see the topic is closed and never bring it up ever again (unless to tell you he has gone NC with them and finally decided to be loyal to you).

He won’t have been told to rest in bed for 4 weeks. Milking it.

If your husband wants his dad to have chocolates and a card he can take them.

If DH wants to guild trip anyone it should be his sibs, but as FIL is offensive, sarcastic and nasty it's not surprising they aren't in a rush to help him, plus it sounds as though he's lying about 4 weeks bed rest as that just makes it more likely he'll get a deep vein thrombosis due to immobility. He has his wife as well, and i doubt he was pulling his weight with the housework before his op.

they've treated you so badly so don't be a doormat, stand your ground and say no, if neccessary get your husband and his siblings & their significant others in one room and tell them this, because it needs to be hammered home ,you deserve love consideration and support but never got any from them when you needed it

OP your last post was explaining (again) why you don't want to do it. You didn't have to, most of us understand perfectly. Don't be swayed or start to question yourself by the few #bekind posters who seem to be as willing to throw you to the lions as your husband.

I thought that too. Yes some adult children can be selfish when the time comes that parents need extra help, but the vast majority of people who had a passably loving family try to do what they can. OP says the siblings don't care and other posters have criticised them for not helping, but maybe it's because they have gone low contact due to how their parents have treated them.

OP, what was your DH's childhood like and what sort of parents were they? Perhaps he's trapped in feeling the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and trying to fob contact onto you in order to avoid them. Which is obviously not acceptable. Alternatively he's a chip off the old block/golden child.

Either way he needs to deal with his parents, not pass the problem to you. You are right not to get involved or let DH guilt trip you into anything.

Re. Your last post OP, you are absolutely right, I really hope you don’t give in to pressure and stick to your guns, it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to do your best and you’ve learned the hard way where your priorities lie. Well done !

Don't be so utterly ridiculous and sanctimonious. What should the OP feel guilty about? Why should she 'turn the other cheek' and allow this rude and unpleasant man to get away with his behaviour? Is it because the poor soul's been confined to bed for 4 weeks (yes, well, if you believe the '4 weeks' you'll truly believe anything). I'd take a bet that you would be the last person to follow your own advice - sanctimonious people are usually the last people to martyr themselves on behalf of others, they just enjoy telling others to do so.

Usual talk is no sex, exercise, lifting or straining for 4 weeks after surgery.
No lifting anything heavier than 2-3 kg.
It sounds like FIL wants to be cared for.
Tell DH he can assist by taking parents shopping and taking out bins / mowing lawns.
If DH doesn’t have time then maybe he and his siblings can pay for assistance in the short term.

Anger? No. It's the DH in this particular story who is reportedly angry. OP merely said 'no'. It's called having healthy self-respect and eminently reasonable boundaries.

Funny, isn't it, how people really hate to hear that word coming from a woman. They accuse them of anger, of selfishness, sometimes of bullying. The universe forbid a woman utters 'no' and the men/other women wanting to put her straight back into her box actually hear it and comprehend its meaning. Too often they hear anything but the word she's actually spoken.

'No' is the word. NO.

Stuff and rot about 'tit for tat'. This is a case of 'you reap what you sow'.

Women are not default carers. We are not support robots. We are not commodities for male needs. We are not less than human.

How predictable that the 'what about the men?' MRA types and their handmaidens - and I make no apologies for the use of this term - should descend on every thread where a woman tries to assert even the most minor of boundaries. And it's every single thread. Without fail.

You (addressed to the collective) are eager to nominate women for the unenviable duty of being 'nice', and to put them forward as candidates for Better Personhood. How quick are you to take your own advice? Very easy to offer gentle, patronising admonitions to 'be kind' when this isn't expected from you personally.

You're not 'being kind'. You're being sanctimonious and overbearing. You can take your 'better personhood', and you know exactly where you can shove it.

You're welcome.

.......surely a little show of kindness towards him wouldn’t do any harm

You reap what you sow.
He wasn't kind to the OP or her parents.