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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 02/11/2023 16:09

Gymnopedie · 02/11/2023 11:29

OP your last post was explaining (again) why you don't want to do it. You didn't have to, most of us understand perfectly. Don't be swayed or start to question yourself by the few #bekind posters who seem to be as willing to throw you to the lions as your husband.

Yes, and the "Be kind" posters would be the last to do the "Be kind" bit if the boot were on the other foot. Why should any woman be deputised by her husband to pop in to check on HIS father - if said FiL is rude, demeaning and generally unpleasant? The dangling of the mythical "inheritance" is hilarious - oldest trick in the book for someone to manipulate members of a family, hubby was really scraping the barrel for excuses when he came up with that one.

Original poster
fluffyboos · 02/11/2023 16:05

@Nanaof1

In laws have specifically told me DH will inherit everything, he is the nominated Power of Attorney.

But according to DH they have put me in their will, I dont believe this at all.
I would be lucky to get a box of chocolates of them let alone be put in the will lol.

I think it will be the case of that in laws will have to pay for care in the future.

Im not sure if the council provide free care?

But as in laws are very wealthy I am assuming they would not be eligible?

I used to work as a Care Assistant in a care home when I was studying and know about "Moving & Handling" etc so perhaps that is another reason in laws expect me to help.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 02/11/2023 15:59

Chris002 · 02/11/2023 09:42

Could your MiL contact their gp and they can arrange temporary carers / District nurse to help ?

Good luck with trying that one. Have you heard about what's happening with NHS lately? There aren't district nurses on tap, they're like gold dust - and if he's been told he needs "4 weeks of bed rest" then there really are flying elephants. Utter rubbish.

Nanaof1 · 02/11/2023 15:45

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:45

Also understand the rules of inheritance in marriage......he is the sole beneficiary - not you - this is ring fenced and doesn’t come within the family money pot if you were to divorce......so don’t assume it’s an investment in your financial future.....and never sell your soul to abuse.

THIS!!

You have no standing in the inheritance and if your NVDH suggests you do, tell him his parent's can redo their will leaving you half and your NVDH half and then you believe what he is saying. Until then, it's just HIS money to spend or not as HE wants. And who knows what will be left by that time. It could all get eaten up in care fees.

Nanaof1 · 02/11/2023 15:37

It sounds like your FIL wants to malinger and make you be the family housemaid. Tell your NVDH that "No" is the only answer you have to give. It's not your circus and not your clown car. They can hire help and they'll learn really quick what happens when you are abusive to someone paid to help you.

I can think of zero reason someone would need 4 weeks bed rest except to be able to be a more demanding azzhat than your FIL already is.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/11/2023 15:29

DriftingDora · 02/11/2023 11:21

Don't be so utterly ridiculous and sanctimonious. What should the OP feel guilty about? Why should she 'turn the other cheek' and allow this rude and unpleasant man to get away with his behaviour? Is it because the poor soul's been confined to bed for 4 weeks (yes, well, if you believe the '4 weeks' you'll truly believe anything). I'd take a bet that you would be the last person to follow your own advice - sanctimonious people are usually the last people to martyr themselves on behalf of others, they just enjoy telling others to do so.

Show quote history

Why should she 'turn the other cheek' and allow this rude and unpleasant man to get away with his behaviour?

Indeed!

Turning the other cheek" doesn't mean meekly allowing yourself to be abused.

At the time it was spoken/ written, it was customary for higher status individuals to admonish those of lower status with a (HARD!) backhanded slap on the cheek. By offering the other cheek the person who had been slapped was inviting a second - forward - slap with the palm of the hand. This would force the "slapper" to acknowledge the "slapped" as an equal (slave/ lower classes were always slapped backhand - it was contemptuous) AND it effectively issued a challenge. It said, "You haven't broken me, you barsteward!" It was a biblical "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough". It was an act of defiance - not of submission.

(Just thought I'd throw that in there)

GCAcademic · 02/11/2023 14:34

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2023 14:27

Why can’t your husband take some annual leave?

I’ve tried to read the full thread but that’s the bit I haven’t found an answer to.

Him sending them some Cook vouchers sounds a good idea too. And money to be spent on their care rather than being passed down to anyone sounds sensible too.

There's also the carer's leave that her husband (but not OP, as it's not her parent) should be legally entitled to.

Original poster
fluffyboos · 02/11/2023 14:31

Just in response to a few questions.

DH siblings see us regularly and we will sometimes babysit the kids.
It is nice as we will get a lovely hand made thank you card/gift from the kids, they parents are appreciative for the help and have the manners to say thank you and speak nicely too.

As far as I know the siblings are not aware that they have been cut out from the will.

The inheritance my husband will receive makes no difference too me, like I tell my husband I have morals and principles and will not be manipulated by money.
The money will be DH, I dont and wont expect a penny.

FIL is just generally a nasty and sarcastic man, he defo dosent have dementia.
He maybe approaching 80 but is fit as a 50 year old, he keeps active and looks after himself.

He takes out his frustrations caused by his children not bothering about him on other people like myself and at times my MIL.

OP posts:
Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 14:28

plumtreebroke · 02/11/2023 14:25

The reaction to family problems isn't always cut them off, these are her husbands parents. Family dynamics are not simple or black and white.

Show quote history

As I said, RTFT. She needs to cut them off, as does her husband. Her PIL are dangerous and irredeemable.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2023 14:27

Why can’t your husband take some annual leave?

I’ve tried to read the full thread but that’s the bit I haven’t found an answer to.

Him sending them some Cook vouchers sounds a good idea too. And money to be spent on their care rather than being passed down to anyone sounds sensible too.

plumtreebroke · 02/11/2023 14:25

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 14:22

Read the thread. Her PIL are abusive and she owes them nothing, she shouldn't go and help, she needs to go NC with them. Stop trying to get women to 'Be Kind' to abusers.

Show quote history

The reaction to family problems isn't always cut them off, these are her husbands parents. Family dynamics are not simple or black and white.

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 14:22

plumtreebroke · 02/11/2023 14:14

Could you and your husband go round and help out a bit. I don't think it's your responsibility, but if you both go for a few hours once in a while and do a bit of gardening, housework, or whatever needs doing that they can't cope with it makes it more of a family visit, not you being lumbered with 'helping'.

Is FIL getting dementia? Shouting at you for no reason seems a bit odd.

Edit: Or getting deaf, and misinterpreting things you said. My MIL used to do that!

Edited

Read the thread. Her PIL are abusive and she owes them nothing, she shouldn't go and help, she needs to go NC with them. Stop trying to get women to 'Be Kind' to abusers.

plumtreebroke · 02/11/2023 14:14

Could you and your husband go round and help out a bit. I don't think it's your responsibility, but if you both go for a few hours once in a while and do a bit of gardening, housework, or whatever needs doing that they can't cope with it makes it more of a family visit, not you being lumbered with 'helping'.

Is FIL getting dementia? Shouting at you for no reason seems a bit odd.

Edit: Or getting deaf, and misinterpreting things you said. My MIL used to do that!

ACynicalDad · 02/11/2023 13:32

Card and Chocolates OK, the rest is unnecessary from DIL, it's his partner and children's responsibility.

brassbells · 02/11/2023 13:28

Glad you are sticking up for yourself
I wouldn't be surprised if the in laws behaviour towards their other children and their partners is the cause of them not getting help from them either

LumiB · 02/11/2023 13:08

Good for you OP on pushing back this May and not taking it anymore. Hopefully this has opened your eyes a little bit.

That's interesting about the inheritance I didn't know that it was ringfenced in the event of a divorce.

So yeah hell no would I be helping out in that case, spend their money and get care for themselves.

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 12:55

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:45

Also understand the rules of inheritance in marriage......he is the sole beneficiary - not you - this is ring fenced and doesn’t come within the family money pot if you were to divorce......so don’t assume it’s an investment in your financial future.....and never sell your soul to abuse.

OP, this is very important to know.

If he keeps that money in his sole account and doesn't spend it on a shared asset like the house, cars in joint name, YOU are entitled to nothing.

Don't trust him.
Don't be used to save care fees for him.

I would be looking at returning to work full-time if possible.

I reckon the next few years could be very hairy for you in this marriage.

Users don't like pushback in my experience.

Gerrataere · 02/11/2023 12:51

@fluffyboos I’ve changed my mind - tell your husband that you’re more than happy to go visit your in laws. And whilst you’re there you’ll draw up a plan for them to use any and all inheritance towards their future care. That way no sibling is treated better than another and they’ll have a solid care plan paid for. Win win win 🤣

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 12:50

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:17

“As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.”

@EqualityWhatequality well done on seeing the light .....but....NO....there is no compromise with abusive or non reciprocal relationships....you still have a bit more de-conditioning to go through....

Great post.

4 friends of mine have successfully recovered from cancer, thank goodness.

They have each individually told me that the ONLY positive of it was the clarity it has given them re family and friends.

They are SO much lighter and clearer on that score.

They saw clearly among family who supported them, their husband and children.

They saw clearly the friends who faded away despite years of support and kindness.

Ultimately they found it freeing and they are so so grateful for the clarity.

Big change happened as a result with all of them.

No more Christmas at theirs.
No more giving an ear to drains.
No more accepting drop ins when it didn't suit.
No more generous entertaining.
No more loaning holiday homes.

All of them have been happily ruthless and it has hugely aided their healing they believe.

They feel 100% free of any obligation towards the deadwood that they now know were in their lives.

They still see the family involved but they have had to get used to hearing No and Doesn't suit us etc.....on a loop.

They all find it hilarious to have heard how much "cancer has changed her/you"...

You had better believe it🤔🤨.

The huge upside is the extra time, energy and joy of spending time with those you know really care.

Sueveneers · 02/11/2023 12:49

fluffyboos · 02/11/2023 12:24

@Gloriously you hit the nail on the head 100%.
The real question is why dont the other siblings want to help?

I did say to my husband last night if it was my dad or family member I would be round asap to visit/help and I say it was strange that NONE of the siblings have called or visited despite living in the same town.

I have told my husband all about this thread to get him to make him see that I am not over reacting and being petty.
DH has a habit of making excuses for their vile behaviour.

DH thinks because in laws invited us over for Sunday dinner a few times in lockdown "they have done a lot for me" when I point out the hours of time I have spent helping them he will say "but its not a competition".

Unfortunately my husband will always back his parents, right or wrong.
I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything.

FIL even told us the day they went to the solicitors to cut the other siblings out the will for "not helping" and "will get bugger all too".

My husband does try and manipulate me and than say "Oh but they have put you in their will as well" as like an incentive to help them.

I have to laugh as I dont even get a thank you, box of chocolates, nothing and yet they would put me in their will??

So he offers you as a slave and trades away your happiness for..... some MONEY? Wow, he is an absolute grub! The more you post about him the worse he seems.

I would leave him. I would. He is a grub he really is. I'd leave and tell him he can stick his money, that your self-worth and your respect and happiness is worth more than that and you are not for sale at any price. He chooses money over you and your happiness? FFS why are you still with him, get out now. He really is garbage.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/11/2023 12:48

Hell No
It is your DH's and his siblings responsibility
Why should you have to build bridges with them!!
They haven't respected or even been polite to you
Step back and give a firm " No"
YANBU at all

Stoic123 · 02/11/2023 12:48

Ha! The will explains why the siblings aren't rallying around now.

Your DH needs to persuade his parents to start spending some of 'his inheritance' to get proper care in to support them if that's needed.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:45

Also understand the rules of inheritance in marriage......he is the sole beneficiary - not you - this is ring fenced and doesn’t come within the family money pot if you were to divorce......so don’t assume it’s an investment in your financial future.....and never sell your soul to abuse.

Naunet · 02/11/2023 12:40

I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything

Wow, looks like he needs to start earning his money then, rather than outsourcing to his personal skivvy. You can see why the other siblings have nothing to do with them, that’s for sure!

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:39

Everything @billy1966 says.....

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