To not want to help FIL after surgery?

YANBU.

May be a courtesy visit but stay away of any care.

Let your husband and his sisters take care of him

What one person says what they have written one day in their will and what is read out in the end could be two different things.
I have written a will and I have shown it to my DAC but I can change it next week, it is very easily done and not expensive.

@ATerrorofLeftovers has it absolutely right.

Tell your husband where to go! Who implied you would be an unpaid carer for a nasty geezer?

Nope.

This^

Another long standing Nurse (retired) here saying no to that much bed rest, emphasis is on getting up and about as quickly as possible to prevent mobility, skin and circulation issues

If FIL has anything about him he will use some of the time when he is recuperating and feeling sorry for himself to reflect on how he has treated you in the past. It is he that needs to offer the olive branch, not you. Stand your ground. In the (seemingly unlikely) event that he makes an apology, accept it for the sake of the family. Going around with gifts for this unpleasant man would indicate that he can treat you exactly as he likes and still be tolerated.

Ungrateful in laws are a pain in the arse; don’t back down it’s Dh’s father it’s up to him & siblings to sort this one out; if they can’t do it; then it’s up to them to arrange for paid carers to go in & look after the old miser; quite how your Dh had the audacity to ask you; knowing how his Df & Dm behave towards you is shocking; he should be berating them for their nastiness & telling them why he’s not asking you to help them.

Totally not your problem. He can't be horrible to you and then expect you to be at his beck and call. You reep what you sow in life.

As a nurse, my question is this, why is your father in law on bedrest after routine surgery ?. This isnt the norm. Is he trying to pull a fast 1 ?

I would go even if it meant being not welcomed, as that way you will for once and all, be able to put a stop to anyone asking anything of you again from that family. The timings are interesting i.e. your father diagnosed with same condition at lock down - wonder if your FIL was actually wondering same himself and not admitting to it. He does however sound a bully but equally wonder if under immense stress himself from his own wife. Suspect they may be 70 - 80s therefore very proud and won't ask for/appreciate help either?

I think there might be some lead-swinging here for a start… I’m sure he hasn’t been told to stay in bed, patients are usually encouraged to gently mobilise after surgery, even if that’s only personal care, making an odd cup of tea etc. I’m sorry, but I would probably do the bare minimum- essential shopping, hospital appointments etc but otherwise I’d stay away. You reap what you sow…

this absolutely. Why do you put up with this man?

This!

What help is your h offering his dad?

Why did you do their chores in lockdown?

Is there a back story here with your h??

YANBU. I wouldn’t do it. Stand your ground.

I agree with posters who have said that the liklihood is that OP's DH isn't in the will anyway - or has been left a tiny amount so that he can't contest it by claiming it was an oversight.

Some people are notorious for dangling the promise of money in front of their children and then either not leaving anything (ie having nowhere near as much money as they'd pretended) or by leaving everything to the "Golden Ones", even when these have done nothing for them, and perhaps haven't even visited for years.

NEVER allow anyone to control you with cash - don't be bought. It really isn't worth it.

Tbf, maybe DH hasn’t seen the will either?

Your husband has told you that you are mentioned in the will but you don't believe him?

So you believe your husband to be a liar?

That's really something OP.

You believe he is capable of lying to you to manipulate and to control you?

He really is scum.

OP, instead of cutting through the fluff on this thread it's well worth investing in Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws. This can be a game-changer. Its advice is practical, objective, and helpful.

MN threads are generally not. The Stately Homes thread might, however, be worth a look.

Also, I don’t agree that it’s easy to say that emotions are a choice. We can choose what to do when they show up, but there is little we can do to stop them showing up. I can’t help feeling guilty at times as I put boundaries in, but I can choose to notice that feeling, reframe it and ignore it. I don’t have to let it dictate what I do.

MrsSkylerWhite I didn’t mean to reduce your experiences to luck. Apologies if that’s how it sounded. I think it’s great that you have found your ‘no’. I truly do. I just don’t think that a hard ‘no’ is always the easiest option and requires energy and resource. I think there are shades of grey here that are ok for the OP to take if that’s what’s best for her. We all have to change at our own pace.

Gloriously

I agree, however I think there is a pragmatism too. It’s not about appeasing or enabling. It’s about nuance and subtlety and the complexity of relationships.

It’s exhausting stepping out of prescribed roles and challenging the system around you. It takes energy and resource.

There isn’t a blanket ‘right’ response. Yes, it might be easy in theory to say ‘no more! I’m not doing that’ but it doesn’t end there. The system will work to get back to its usual state. The OP will have to navigate that.

Each time she’s pressured to do something she will need to do exactly as you have described - clearly state her boundaries. That takes effort and energy. That requires you consciously being aware of all the attempts at manipulation and side stepping them. That’s great and a potentially liberating thing to do, but not as easy as it sounds on paper. Human interactions are complex.

Doing the ‘right’ thing is sometimes harder and it’s ok to decide consciously to notice it and do only what feels possible to protect yourself psychologically. It’s ok to decide today isn’t the day to draw the line in the sand. Change can be a slower drip drip drip.

Each of us is unique and in a unique set of circumstances. It’s not a black and white situation. There isn’t a clear way forward that is guaranteed to leave the OP in a better position than she is in.

Yes her ILs sound awful. Yes it’s technically not her responsibility. No, she doesn’t owe them anything. Yes, it seems right that she tells them to fuck off and leave the responsibility to her DH. But that is not necessarily the easiest option FOR HER and may well come at costs the OP doesn’t want to pay - and that’s ok too. It’s her choice. What does the OP want? What’s HER end goal?

• As an adult, obviously. Children have no choice.

No is the best word in the English language

@MrsSkylerWhite - it’s also a full sentence and doesn’t need you to JADE you decisions, choices, feelings or preferences - no need for you to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your answer to anyone.