To not want to help FIL after surgery?

YANBU. Stand your ground, sounds like your husband is trying to either bully you into helping or emotionally hurting you to try and get you to help. Would he help your parents if they treated him like his parents treat you. He sounds a lot like his father, stay strong and keep saying no. Also 4 weeks bedrest, he would be very weak if he stayed in bed for 4 weeks, I think this needs to be questioned.

arg, just spent the day helping with the prostate teaching clinic at work.

He'll be up and walking the same day. We encourage the wife to be present post op for the reinforcement of the catheter care.

No heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise for the month. He can do stairs in moderation.

We even arrange homecare

Tell your husband to call the surgeon for information.

You need to stick to your guns, it's not like you're being awkward it's about morals, principles and mutual respect. It sounds like you've inherited problems that the other siblings know only too well and that's where the problems lie. Your FIL sounds like an arrogant, manipulative bully and your DH seems to think it's ok for both him and his father to disrespect you - sorry, no. Your DH should be supportive of your feelings afterall you have explained your reasons more than once, he just chooses to ignore you x

For the people who question the 4 weeks bedrest..that is the recommended time with no heavy lifting or climbing stairs. So FIL will need help but it does not have to be you. The hospital should put a care plan in place before he leaves and he will need to pay for care if above a certain income. If on low income SS should provide assistance.

Agreed.

In several cases that involved my friends, there were only sons, or only sons living nearby.

In-laws and their sons ASSUMED the DIL's would just take on the extra workload.
They got some shock when it was spelt out to them.
All texts were forwarded on to their sons.

Not one of my friends were prepared to do it having done it for their own parents, some were still helping their own parents.

Also they had juggled children and activities and they made it clear that their husbands wouldn't be dumping on them now that they had some caring duties.

It was eye opening to see how just how much men balk at the tedium of shopping, doctors/hospital appointments and all the paperwork involved.

They really don't like it, especially when it eats into their down time at the weekend.

They have had to get on with it!

@billy1966 has it. @fluffyboos you are not your DH’s priority. He isn’t hearing you.

His priority is to maximise his inheritance (no care fees) and minimising his discomfort around his DH - to achieve this he has nominated you to be thrown under the bus.

You might have decades to endure this conflict with your DH. Make sure you are legally and financially protected.

Agree that no way would a doctor give him 4 weeks bed rest. They want FIL up and moving around within 24 hours or so. It's not good for FIL to lay in bed. He is either lying or misunderstood the instructions from the doctor. FIL may just want a maid for 4 weeks and OP has been elected. Stand your ground. FIL owes OP the apology. I wouldn't go to FIL period. He'll just abuse OP the whole time.

He grasps how you feel, he just doesn't want to hear it and doesn't give a shit.

I bet he is used to you doing as you're told.

You continued to help his parents despite their awful treatment of you.

He doesn't want to understand because he wants you to be free skivvy and care for his parents.

You don't trust him.

You believe him to be well capable of lying to you to manipulate you.

Your instincts are good.

He will not let this go.

He's a controlling manipulative liar and a bully, and he intends to try and grind you down.

Both his parents and he are united in using you as free carer and skivvy as they age.

People so mean as to show no appreciation for your previous help, have no intention of including you in their will.

Your husband doesn't want them paying for carers.

He wants to use you.

He will not give up.

He's a nasty man and I would expect you will see just how nasty he is as you continue to say No.

Don't expect to see a penny of any inheritance.

I may sound very negative but being an old woman, I, like a lot of posters have the measure of your husband.

You are not his priority.

His parents intact inheritance is.

Protect yourself.

I expect you to come back on MN aghast at just how vile he has become as you continue to say NO.

The tell was that he allowed his parents to be awful to you in the first place.

A good man would have had your back, he only has his own.

I so hope you don't share children.

ABSOLUTELY NOT! He's not your responsibility. His children can look after him or pay for care.

He's had no respect for you, you have no loyalty for him.

Dh had a radical prostatectomy and was up and home the next day, looking after his catheter and managing very well.
4 weeks bed rest is a load of bollocks

Your inlaws sounds like mine. I wouldn't help mine either. I think you are totally within your rights to refuse. Brings to mind a saying you need to stop leaping oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for you.

I’m so sorry OP but your DH can go fuck himself. I am disgusted that he thinks it’s ok for his parents to treat you so badly and then expect you to step in like a slave. Seriously fuck that. Stick to your guns. DH can get a grip. Their care is down to him and siblings, nothing to do with you. Honestly draw your battle lines now and don’t back down.

They sound frightful.

You rep what you sow. I'm sure if your husband wants them cared for in a particular manner, he can either do so himself or make alternative arrangements.
You are not obliged
You are not a servant

Another one for stick to Ur guns. Don't want to do it, don't do it.
It's nice and easy for DH to send u round to do all the work and then he looks good in his parents eyes. Thanks but no thanks. Especially not after DH is giving u a bad time for saying no.
Don't be pushed around OP.
Be nice but say carers need to come in to help him. That's the normal practise.

Tell him no . Sorry but you owe them nothing

Stick to your guns OP! Not your responsibility to look after this nasty piece of work

@fluffyboos they can arrange a care package to cover his recuperation.
Why would you want to clear the air with people who treat you badly. They'll behave the same again.

Sounds like they've retained post op care from the Carry On era. Still if he wants to risk a PE?

Take round chocolates and a card and make peace? You aren’t the one who was rude and shouted at someone for no good reason. What help does your fil need? After a major stomach op, I did zero bed rest, just didn’t lift anything for weeks, but managed normal everything, hoovering (cordless), emptying dishwasher, cooking etc.

No wonder your Dh wants you on side if he’s the only one in the will, I bet fil will threaten to remove him if you don’t play ball! What an asshat!

What stands out to me Op is the fact your DH wants you to go with chocolates and a card in the hope of making things better between you and your in laws, so basically he's asking you to offer an apology when you've done nothing wrong?
I'd be willing to help in some ways but is he setting you up to be the help in the future so he and his siblings can just leave it to you?
My DM had dementia and sometimes she drove my DP up the wall but he was always great with her face to face, if ever he asked me to help his DPs I'd do it because I feel it's only right to return the favour- your DH didn't bother when your Dad was ill so you owe him nothing. You've heard the phrase "start as you mean to go on", well it's very apt here Op, if you get sucked in now they will expect you to be available going forward

My husbands surgeon (also prostate cancer) told him that his post-op period was the perfect time to get on with some light exercise such as cooking and washing/up …. but to wait a couple of weeks before hoovering and changing the beds 😂

Tell your husband him and his sister's can take a some A /L every week your FiL needs help I am sure between them they can cover this and say I am sure he would prefer his own family caring for him, men are very good at making us ladies feel as if we should be the care givers but it's not on.

If they are wealthy they can pay for some help. Not your responsibility and unfair of your husband to even ask you. It's only ever DIL that seem to have this kind of thing thrust upon them, very rare to hear of SIL being asked to provide this kind of care.

Don’t budge on this. They are your DH’s parents and he and his siblings need to sort out their time to accommodate their father. The onus shouldn’t be placed on you, especially when you have been criticised and put down over the years. Why would your husband ask this of you knowing how they have been with you and your reluctance to do this? Not your problem and you owe them nothing. Stand your ground