To not want to help FIL after surgery?

@fluffyboos
The topic was mentioned again of the worry of who will step in and provide help in later years

You make it crystal clear, right now, that you will not be involved in care in later years at all.

I'd say you're right

NB. the point about the parents becoming nastier the more you hold the line is another one out of the playbook and you should be prepared for this.

People can't change others' behaviour, they can only change themselves. So, when they recognise their abusive relatives are never going to change, they address this by setting boundaries. The pushback is considerable. The abusive relatives have been used to having things exactly as they want them for some time, and when that changes their primary objective is to get them back to the way they were before. The behaviour of both your PiLs and your DH will ramp up before it abates, that's almost a certainty.

This is another thing Susan Forward talks about in her book Toxic in-Laws, which gives practical strategies for dealing with this. A top tip is powerful non-defensive communication, which goes a little further than grey rock by a refusal to defend any points of attack they might level at you. So when your DH uses words to the effect of 'you are a lazy good-for nothing DiL, you should be helping my parents and I might lose out on my inheritance because of you!' Your response 'That doesn't work for me'. 'I'm sorry you're upset' (the classic non-apology). 'I don't accept your opinion of me'. 'I am willing to do (this), but I am not willing to do (that)'. It leaves them nowhere to go. If you JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain) they've instantly got you, and will unpick all the reasons why you must do whatever it is they expect you to do.

I really can't recommend Forward's work highly enough. It's a game-changer.

Apparently my husband said nothing as he is sick of being caught in the middle.

People always use this particular excuse when they want to discharge their own responsibilities or, more acurately, to transfer them onto someone else. This is straight out of the playbook.

I'm failing to see how he can be in the middle: they're his parents. Note the nice dollop of emotional blackmail thrown in there for good measure. I'll lay good odds that your MiL said no such thing.

His ability to twist and change the narrative is quite remarkable. Somehow in almost every utterance of his you report here, he's managing to convey his belief that the responsibility for his parents is yours; not least that caring duties are the social responsibility of women per se.

The misogyny is entrenched here but he's also a very skilled manipulator. Many MN posters can spot this a mile off: I've seen Billy, for one, unpick these situations piecemeal before. She's wise to it, and gives sage advice.

I also know how difficult it is to hold the line amid an onslaught like this, and applaud you for it. It is so draining to be faced with this sort of crap day in, day out. You deserve better than this.

Excellent insight by @billy1966

OP, sticking to your guns rigidly and reading carefully the advice of @Emotionalsupportviper and @Gloriously among others is thousands of £ of counselling.

They are cutting through the noise by spelling it out.

This WILL get a lot uglier before it gets easier.

Your husband is not a good man or husband.

He doesn't have your back.

Good men don't stand by and allow their wives to be used and abused, .....just because it suits them.

He is their son, their favoured son.

Look carefully at the future you want.

NEVER rely on this man, he is too selfish and too focused on protecting himself.

Discussing with his mother THEIR future needs and worries.

I have no doubt he has discussed you in terms of your usefulness with his parents.

As his parents need more help expect both him and them to become nastier.

They will not accept your NO.

Do not consider having children before they both have been buried, you need to see just how ugly and vile your husband will be.

I don't believe you know him at all.

He is happy to see his siblings disinherited, so ugly of him.

Excellent advice above to insist you do not want to hear ANYTHING about them.

Watch carefully as your husband refuses to adhere to your wish.

Stay strong.

Did your Dh support you when you were in tears after your Fils comments? Did he stick up for you?

Yes of course as @Emotionalsupportviper says the narcissist vindictive behaviour will kick in and be very targeted to you once they realise you have stood your ground - look what they did to their own DD - wrote them out of their will and made a whole show of it with your DH dragging him along to the solicitors.

If you withdraw effectively enough to emotionally protect yourself this will impact on your DH instead - he will be v uncomfortable but make sure he doesn’t bring this to your door. I would also say that the golden child of Narc carries some of their traits (this is called ‘fleas’) - maybe not so extreme but well worth pointing out (as in my case with DH) when some unattractive and unacceptable delusional, arrogant, entitled and grandiose behaviours emerge.

So assume that your IL will be vindictive, that they will proactively use your DH as the messenger, that they will up the ante with some exaggerated health crisis that requires your deferential presence.........don’t fall for any of it. Don’t be exposed to any of it by telling your DH that you don’t want to hear.

I would also be be wary of any ‘apology’ because that will be fake and a trap (as it was in my case). Just be done with them - no more words needed - just actions. Don’t even continue to repeat the reasons to your DH - he knows well - the only discussion he wants with you is to change your mind.

The more you post, the more it sounds like your H wants you to be the skivvy so he inherits.

He will probably up the pressure on you to care for his parents as they become older so his inheritance isn’t used up in care home fees.

your H sounds money grabbing to be honest. And is pissed he might have to work for it.

Just so I understand, your husband has seen you be reduced to tears by his dad? Has heard the degrading spew he says to you and said and did nothing to protect you? Seems to me that husband is a wet blanket and using you to get out of caring for HIS parents. I personally would go no contact. Sit your husband down and talk to him about how toxic the relationship is you have with the FIL. Tell him how much it has effected your mental health and no longer want to be in any caring position for a man who clearly doesn't like you. I would also point out that as your husband he has a duty to protect you as per the vows he took when he married you. Boundaries need to be set and stuck to and if he wants your marriage to last then he needs to respect that and not force you into something that will make you hate/resent the husband.

Hope you get this resolved

No one gets told to stay in bed for weeks! Not even during hospital stays, you're up and dressed every morning. My gran's had a couple of surgeries recently, they do the opposite of letting you rest, he's in for a shock if he thinks that's happening. My Gran joked her physio was training her for the Olympics.

Why would he have 4 weeks bed rest? He should be fully recovered by 4 weeks, he should be up and about doing things slowly, its not a major op, think they are pulling a fast one here.
Id be ringing his doctor to ask what his recovery time his and how best to care for his needs, bed rest I doubt it
Im with the others don't give in,

More broadly, This is JUST the way women are assumed by family /hospitals /neighbours to be the default carers....

Within days she'll be having phone calls... Can you just do this /that... What's happening with xyz...?.
(i know this... This is what is happening to me NOW... 🤬... I'm pushing back but I'm exhausted and it's so bloody stressful....)

More specifically, they've been abusive of her... Like hell should she be involved.

Four weeks bedrest?? Haha.. He's either misunderstood or outright lying.... Fastest way to DVTs /bed sores and disability..

As @Dotcomma and @Gloriously have said, this is typical narcissistic behaviour - arrogant, entitled, re-writing history to suit themselves, not hearing anything they don't want to hear, manipulative - and I can promise you now they will also be vindictive.

When they realise that you have pulled yourself free from their web, they will be poisonous, so be prepared. You are very wise to remain NC, because even the slightest kindness from yourself (if you were to feel sorry for them, for instance) will be seen as weakness - a chink in your armour - and they will exploit it.

Do as you are doing. Tell your DH not to tell them anything about you (he will, of course - even he tries not to they would wheedle it out of him; people like this are adept as getting others to give them information without even being aware they've done so - and change the subject every time he mentions them. Tell him firmly that you hope that they are well but don't wan to hear any details of their lives either way.

You don't need to tell them why you won't visit - they know very well why but choose to ignore your feelings because it suits them to do so. As @Gloriously has said - they will try every which way to draw you back into their orbit. Stand firm. It gets easier with time (I speak from bitter experience).

I had something similar with my MIL - I detached but I also had to put down boundaries with my DH (he was also the golden child) because every bit of info that came back was negative and got under my skin. So he needed to stop. I was also not continuing to inadvertently enable by being his emotional skip - he needed to hold and process all that shit not dump it on me. He soon saw the light. Tell him that you have relieved him of being ‘piggy in the middle’ - you don’t want to know any info in their plans or their conversations. Cut him short. Get busy elsewhere with other people and change the topic to talk about them if he doesn’t shut up.

You know that it’s unlikely you will see them again - enjoy every moment. I have zero regrets dropping the rope on my alcoholic Narc MIL - my only regret was I waited too long and tolerated too much - similar to you more than her other own DC who were NC. What a waste of my life.

Yes they do have a mental block that is caused by the characteristics of narcissism:

Delusional

Grandiose

Entitled

Arrogant

They will never change - so don’t waste your finite headspace, time and emotional energy on them. They didn’t change for their own flesh and blood - their DDs - so zero chance of them changing for the dreaded DiL .... all you ever are / were to them is ‘narcissistic supply’ - so continue to take yourself out of their orbit.

I wouldn’t even be having any conversations with your DH about your decisions, his visit or their comments. They are zero concern of yours now. He is also their ‘flying monkey’ and carrying messages back from MIL which get under your skin (as intended by her and possibly by your DH as a passive aggressive punishment) - tell your DH not to give them any info about your life and tell him that you want zero info about theirs as it’s not helpful to your personal peace of mind, or to your relationship/marriage.

Put in that firm boundary with him.

People who abuse and manipulate you are of zero concern to you.

You have detached. You told them what the issues were in May. They know what they were. They have chosen to dismiss you and your needs and not hear you. That’s a choice. Don’t lower yourself by repeating this to them or your DH.

Watch out for the attempts to hoover you back in with exaggerated incidents, illnesses and manufactured / engineered crises - by both your DH and the IL.

Stand firm and resist.

They sound like narcissists, my ex and his family were like that and it took me years to figure out what was going on. It all came to a head when our daughter was born, ex insisted I did everything his mum's way, err no that won't be happening with our child, and I stuck to it. 4 years later me & DD left - hubby had sided with MIL on everything, I was lucky to get out alive. 15 years later & we're still married, he won't share his pension so no divorce. His mum lives with him 🤣🤣

@Gloriously thank you.

This 100%
Tell your DH that you would much rather they spent any money they had intended to leave to you on keeping themselves comfortable and well-looked after. Knowing that they are cared for not by you will be the greatest gift they could give you.

YANBU
Tell your husband straight that his parents are not your responsible, you’re not being nasty but are not helping abusive people! Helping them will not ‘fix anything’… because they didn’t even appreciate all the running you did during covid lockdown.
Your husband is lazy and he and his sisters could easily take a day off each to help their parents but instead want to bully you so they don’t have to be inconvenienced!
If husband is ignoring you then I’d say enjoy the peace…. Go out of an evening and don’t bother telling him since he’s not talking anyway… or just come in, shower and go to a different room to him… I wouldn’t even cook for someone who was giving me the silent treatment! If text saying I’d eaten so he needed to get himself something!

@MoonlitStarryNights I understand your post “Hurt people, hurt people”.

Good for you for dealing with your hurt and lucky that your DH came along on a parallel journey of his own to heal his own hurts.

The OP has already detached from her IL who abused her - that’s her personal choice - if her DH can’t respect that or see the abuse from his DPs when it’s continual and all around then he is part of that abuse.

I would also question his integrity of doing everything to preserve this inheritance away from his siblings - any decent person would prepare for a deed of variation after their deaths and share it equally with his abused sisters. Doesn’t seem that he has the moral calibre to consider that.

I do get your point and I would never advocate anyone risks abuse. What I included in my post was probably too small a snapshot to convey what I was actually trying to say. I regret that so I will just say one more thing: I needed that time and supports like EMDR even if I hadn’t ever met my DH. I blamed him for everything when actually my choices and actions were equally unhelpful. We both really hurt each other but I don’t think either of us ever meant to we were just unknowingly repeating family patterns. What I wish I had said is that every time we knew better we did better. I might have sometimes told him I was leaving if he didn’t quit hurting me but I suspect with hindsight those moment were actually some of the times when I hurt him.

Oh how awful for you. Seems like they are the classic the Narc family system. The main Narc (MIL) her enabler (FIL) - then the DCs each have a role golden child, scapegoat and the forgotten.

So much energy is expended keeping the Narc ‘happy’ (impossible) by everyone in the system incase they flip out in rage - they don’t even have to do it very often because everyone is on tenterhooks with just the threat.

Also all very familiar the manipulation and control around money.

Just so draining and exhausting to be wading through this swamp.