To not want to help FIL after surgery?

I could have written this exact post myself.
I have decided I will not be helping. This doesn’t make me a bad person, I am just setting boundaries. I will not be gaslighted into thinking it’s my fault or my problem.
End of.

Aim to be the better person....

Yes op, be a good little woman and remember your wifely duties. Don’t forget the little peck on the cheek now! Maybe iron his clothes and pop a hoover around whilst you’re there. And leave your self respect at the front door, it’s not needed where you’re going…

Fuck that!

You work part-time so I assume (perhaps wrongly) that you have more free time than your husband. If you are a team in your marriage, caring for both sets of parents is a joint responsibility.
In this instance, you have a choice here - you can say that your father in law is unpleasant and didn't help you when you needed it, so you aren't going to help him and your mother in law. This will probably mean that your relationship with them will worsen and your husband will be the unfortunate man in the middle. Or you can be really, really kind and helpful to your in-laws - with the proviso that if your F in Law is unpleasant, you will sweetly tell him that his behaviour will have consequences and you will leave him to think about his attitude to you until he becomes a nicer, kinder person and gives you a call. Give him a peck on his cheek and go out for tea and cake. You'll deserve it. Aim to be the better person....

Working full time is not a barrier to helping parents with some shopping, cooking, washing etc.

LOL, ask any working woman with kids and frail ill parents.

Since family is family I might make double when cooking something, and send it over with DH.

YANBU

Your dh is unreasonable to knowingly expose you to such unpleasant people. They are HIS parents and HIS responsibility. Why doesn't he take a few hours off and see to his DF himself. You are not domestic staff !

But I agree. He's not your problem.

Are you sure he's on bed rest. It's rarely recommended these days as it's actually really bad for you. My dad had prostate surgery and was up and about as pain allowed.

At 78 bed rest is the worst thing he can do. He will be at increased risk for DVT,pneumonia and muscle wasting.
Have they misunderstood the advice to take it easy for 4 weeks(IE no heavy lifting). He absolutely needs to get up and get moving.

By the sounds of things FIL doesn't like you-so why would he want your help?

Of course, if he insists on staying on bed rest for a month, he may get all kinds of complications.
Blood clots, chest infections, urinary tract infections, bed sores........... just a few delights which await him if he's going to go against the advice of his surgical team.

Nah. DH had his prostate removed last year. Was up walking next day. Had a catheter for two weeks but still was out and about with that in. Bed rest is not advised.

YANBU

Stand your ground with them, you got this. He was rude to you in the past and does not deserve your help.

If your FIL had the operation to remove tissue for benign prostate enlargement, it's an overnight stay and discharge next day. My husband had this operation in his late 60s and he wasn't on any bed rest at all.

He is totally having you on with the bed rest. My dad had the same operation at the same age, and despite having heart failure, kidney failure and a number of other health problems he was back as my mums main carer the same day

Did the FIL actually ask or want you to look after him? Or are the siblings offering your services without being asked?

I would look after my dp even if they shout, because we always shouted at each other dramatically but they have done a lot for me too and adore us. But in-laws do not get to shout at me, if they did it once they would be blanked and would need to grovel and quite honestly I would need a financial incentive anyway, so they might as well pay someone else. Your free time is worth something , it belongs to you.

Ex urology nurse here, he does not need 4 weeks bed rest.
It can take 3-4 weeks to recover, he will end up with a blood clot if he doesn't move.
Stand your ground, good luck.

Another person thinking they are pulling your chain.

Fil, who also has prostate cancer, had his knee replaced and was back driving after 2.5 weeks and looking after mil immediately pretty much. I queried that here as I thought it was too soon but he's fine.

He's 85.

Why can't your husband get time off work? Maybe he can get compassionate leave.

@Cyclebabble that poster never mentioned Asian families but it speaks volumes that you assumed she meant Asians

4 weeks bed rest, haha! That's bullshit.

No I would not be going round to make peace with someone who had been horrible to me.

Nice bit of racial stereotyping there. Do you have contact with many Asian families? I kind of doubt you know anything about us.

I read threads like this and wonder if any DHs stand up to their parents when their parents insult and belittle their wives. Like saying "no mum/dad DON'T talk to my wife like that!"

Why is it your responsibility? Your husband should be helping surely?

Four weeks bed rest ! No way is that right, he’s either having you on or he’s misunderstood four weeks of no heavy lifting or strenuous activity.