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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 02/11/2023 02:50

@Cyclebabble Who mentioned Asian? You've just presumed that's what @androidnotapple meant! So who is the one really being racist?

IAmtheVampiresWife · 02/11/2023 02:37

What do they really need help with after his surgery? There will just be the normal chores for her eg laundry and preparing meals. If she is not able to do this then that is a bigger problem. Provision then needs to be made for some home help. You are right not to do it.

HerMammy · 02/11/2023 02:26

I'd suggest if they're in such need of care/help they put their hands in their pockets and pay for it.
You reap what you sow, treat people like shit and they won't be running to help.

bevm72yellow · 02/11/2023 02:17

Your being made to feel guilty. Your husband will try tactics to make you take on his responsibility. He may stop talking/ get angry or refuse to co operate with you for periods. A few useful phrases for you should be " it won't be happening" " like I said I won' t be involved ". He can't make you but will use pressure and promises. He cannot physically put you in the house to look after his father ( that would be aggressive) He may say you will be helping out in front of others to pressure you.....response will be " like I said I have other major priorities ". Good luck you sound like a lovely person being disrespected

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 02/11/2023 01:31

isthewashingdryyet · 01/11/2023 17:14

Bed rest, really
People who have had hip replacements are up and about within 24 hours, I think they are pulling a fast one here.

another saying don’t go

Just what I was thinking. I’ve nursed many men after prostate surgery and they’re encouraged to get up and mobile the next day. I’ve never heard of four weeks bedrest. That’s a sure fire way to risk DVT and/or a chest infection.

pizzaHeart · 02/11/2023 00:16

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 16:54

Hell no.

If they want help they can pay, or ask their children to help. I would say this even if they weren't horrible to you.

Care is a slippery slope and if you start everyone will assume you're doing it all. After all that means they don't have to do it.

Absolutely this*

PumkinPorridge · 02/11/2023 00:14

Crazycrazylady · 01/11/2023 16:56

I would support your husband to help if he wanted ie doing his share of chores at home so he can help out . I'd also be ok if my husband wanted to pay for some additional home help. But I absolutely wouldn't help out personally nor can I imagine that your Fil would want someone who is doesn't get on with looking after him in such a vulnerable condition.

I agree with this

Straycatblue · 01/11/2023 23:50

"My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help."

Interesting that he's told you that..... either its his way of manipulating you to behave accordingly or this message has come from them almost like he's their "flying monkey" sent to deliver a message to guilt trip you 😉

Learn to recognise the patterns of manipulation, stand your ground & don't fall for them

You could always reply back that yes , that's how your parents felt as well...

Original poster
fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 23:35

I think FIL must of been mistaken by the 4 week bed rest comment.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

The siblings dont really bother with in laws unless it benefits them so that is out the question, they have not even called or visited despite living in the same town.

In response to some of the questions to PP.

  1. We are Caucasian non religious so its not a cultural thing, I think they just are just self entitled people.
  1. I helped them in lockdown as back then we had an OK relationship and again it was a case of nobody else was offering to help them.
  1. It was after my FIL shouted at me for no reason that caused the rift and they just got worse with their behaviour and attitude hence me having little to no contact with them.
  1. I was unable to see my dad as it was during the first lockdown when the country was at a stand still.
  1. No my husband has never helped my parents and I wouldnt ask or expect him to either as me and my 3 siblings would manage the care between us.

Im not really sure what happens now as MIL and my husband have discussed tonight what would happen in the future when they would need more help and assistance.
It would be down to my husband as the other siblings couldnt care less.

I do feel bad saying to my husband that I wont be helping but they arent my parents or responsibility.

OP posts:
Ktime · 01/11/2023 21:52

YANBU at all. Don’t lift a finger for them.

Why on earth did you help in lockdown?!

nopuppiesallowed · 01/11/2023 21:41

Gerrataere · 01/11/2023 18:35

Aim to be the better person....

Yes op, be a good little woman and remember your wifely duties. Don’t forget the little peck on the cheek now! Maybe iron his clothes and pop a hoover around whilst you’re there. And leave your self respect at the front door, it’s not needed where you’re going…

Show quote history

🤣😅🤣😂🤣Actually, it's because I have self respect that I'd aim to be the better person....

Hibiscrubbed · 01/11/2023 21:21

Your husband can get fucked. Truly. Is there some sort of cultural expectation at play here?

He is a total twat expecting you to do anything for that pair of pricks.

SauvignonBlanche · 01/11/2023 19:23

Four weeks of bed rest is nonsense.

Ellie56 · 01/11/2023 19:20

4 weeks' bed rest? Nope.

FIL has either misunderstood what he's been told or he's lying. As PP have said, he needs to keep mobile or he will have all sorts of complications.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 01/11/2023 19:02

Tell your DH (Dick Head) to go & stay at his parents, he can help them & spend some time considering what your marriage means to him, because he's in grave danger of being divorced. And mean it. He hadn't got your back & he seems to view you as some extension of himself not a person in your own right!!

feathermucker · 01/11/2023 19:01

Absolute bullshit about the 4 weeks bed rest for a prostate operation. As others have said, the risk of blood clots and further complications will increase dramatically if he doesn't move for 4 weeks.

As for the poster who says you should be the bigger person.......it doesn't make you the bigger person by allowing yourself to be treated like shit by FIL. It strips you of your self respect and pride and who would do that to themselves?!

Your husband saying take chocolates and a card round is demeaning.

Stick your your guns OP

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2023 18:57

Yanbu.

It's horrible of your husband to think you should be the one to step up here. It worries me why he thinks that.

As others have said, is he rushing round to help your parents?

Tell him to fuck off.

More women need to start telling men to fuck off rather than bend over backwards doing things for them that they would never even consider doing for us, so that our daughters aren't fucked.

cptartapp · 01/11/2023 18:53

YANBU. There's very little help that can't be bought. They need to get used to the idea as they grow older and frailer.

MinnieGirl · 01/11/2023 18:51

Bed rest for four weeks?!
I can’t think of any surgery that requires that, and I’m a surgical nurse…I would be very suspicious of that

moonlitwalks · 01/11/2023 18:49

Well, someone is lying here because bed rest for 4 weeks is absolutely not advised after such an op- it increases risk of clots etc so whomever said that is flat out lying. Gentle mobilising after an op is extremely important and improves recovery, they dont even recommend total bed rest for back surgeries now (I am an OT so I know this for a fact). Say no. NO NO NO NO NO.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 01/11/2023 18:47

No absolutely not.
If you DH and his sister are that worried they can book annual leave or request time off in another form/compassionate leave.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 01/11/2023 18:44

4 weeks of no strenuous exercise or lifting. Bed rest=higher risk of blood clots.

Your in laws have your husband and his sisters who can help out. Working full time or not.

Your under no obligation to help them. I don't understand why your husband wants you to go offer your services/care when you have a strained relationship.
Yes you can go visit them if you want....but that's up to you... not your husband.

Cosyblankets · 01/11/2023 18:42

Sorry if it's already been said but what are the sisters husbands doing? Anything?

mangochops · 01/11/2023 18:40

BrimfulOfMash · 01/11/2023 18:29

Working full time is not a barrier to helping parents with some shopping, cooking, washing etc.

LOL, ask any working woman with kids and frail ill parents.

Since family is family I might make double when cooking something, and send it over with DH.

Exactly this! I helped my dad when he got frail and I still worked full time and had two young kids. I have no siblings so it was all on me. Its perfectly possible, working full time is just some BS excuse to get out of it because they dont want to do it. Eff that. Seriously. Its their responsibility, NOT yours. Stay strong OP.

billy1966 · 01/11/2023 18:39

Absolutely no way.

Well done for telling your husband to sort it himself.

Your in laws are awful.

Your husband never helped you with your family.

Yet you still helped his parents during lockdown.

Absolutely not.

If your husband wants to cause bad feeling with you by trying to bully you over this, ask him is he prepared for the damage it will do.

Over the years this was an issue with several of my friends.

They helped their own parents and when it came to their in laws it was just assumed it was on them to do that too.

Their husbands were put firmly and ruthlessly in their place and in never happened.

My close friend is a recently retired nurse and she got pushback from her all her inlaws as they expected her to step into role of carer, doer of hospital appointments etc.

She was having none of it.

They looked after other grandchildren and never ever helped her, even when she was very stuck, and her husband was travelling.

They are now going to pay through the nose for a nursing home for both parents but my friend has made it clear to them it is nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Her husband never had the slightest involvement in her parents care and she was damned if she was going to spend her retirement caring for people whom had zero interest in her or her children for 26 years.

They seriously expected her to want to do this so they could remain at home.

It is extraordinary how easily men and other family members think they can dump on the nearest mug.

Avoid your inlaws completely would be my advice.

You owe your nasty Fil absolutely NOTHING.

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