To not want to help FIL after surgery?

Definitely back well away and don’t offer.

Your DH and his siblings need to book some annual leave so they can help their parents or even talk to their employers about taking carer's leave (paid or unpaid). If they share the load between them they'll only need a few days off over the next 4 weeks.

Not expect you to step up to help their parents, especially not as they're not particularly nice to you.

I can’t get over the fact that your own father was ill and instead of offering support they expected you to do their chores ! In laws and your husband are entitled and horrible. And I would it be offering to help.

When my mum had breast cancer, DH took me to see her whenever I wanted, took care of the girls and the house While I helped her and my dad.
I’m-laws offered help. One day she was very I’ll and dad was waiting on ambulance transport. Mil came straight round to wait for the girls coming out of school (DH was at work) until DH got home. FIL drove me to mum/dad. Mil took me out for coffee and was a shoulder to cry on.
If Inlaws are ever that ill and needed help then I would help as they did it for me.

My husband had similar in his 70s, no way was he told to stay in bed. YANBU

Yeah, you're the most available human support unit (otherwise known as a woman), so they're annoyed you're not cooperating. Tough titty. Stand your ground, OP.

So siblings live IN SAME TOWN and haven't visited?!
Maybe the fam should be having words with them, not you!
DH is only angry because he knows it should be the children (not you) who are helping, but obvs. the siblings can't be bothered.

OP you have an OH problem, not an in law problem.

This is not your responsibility.
Cheerfully refuse.

I'm a doctor and there's absolutely no prostate surgery that would render him bedbound for 4 weeks. The advice with any surgery, especially if you're elderly, is to get moving as soon as you can to prevent complications such as DVT and prevent muscle loss.

And besides which, he's been a twat to you and he isn't your dad. Tell them all where to swing. My inlaws can't stand me and have been vile to me and DH ever since we met. I've told my DH that I'll do my best not to make it awkward for him or our child to have a relationship with them but I'm done. DH knows that if he pulls any of the gaslighting BS like in your OP he'd better get ready to hear some things he doesn't want to. It's your DH's relative. If he cares that much about him then he will kiss his arse

The fact that they are unpleasant would be a reason for me not to do.it. your husband should not put u in this position. They can pay someone to.help

4 weeks bedrest?

Absolute rubbish!

He's either misunderstood or is milking the situation.

God almighty - I've know people (usually women, I admit - not men who feel these things soooo much more deeply) who have had half their insides whipped out, and they were forced encouraged to get out of bed asap - DVT's, muscle wastage - lying in bed is the quickest way to destroy your health.

He's after sympathy and a chance to do sweet Fanny Adams for a month, more likely. Given the chance he'll have everyone - but especially you - running round after him like headless chickens.

Don't feel bad OP. My DH's parents are in poor health (his mum had a stroke last year and his dad is old and frail). DH works full time while I work part time (4 days a week). He has been the one supporting them for the past year and a half by going to visit them at weekends and taking the odd day off if they needed extra help. I've held the fort at home (we have three DC) and been to visit them occasionally, but it's been 95% DH.

Most importantly, he helped them to move into a retirement living flat, so everything is much easier for them now. If your PILs are starting to find it hard to cope at home then this is definitely something to consider.

I agree that a middle ground would be supporting your DH by taking over some of his chores at home to free up his weekends for helping his father.

In response to suggestions about you helping, I would just say that they don't like you and have trouble behaving appropriately and non-abusively towards you, so best that FIL's care is provided by someone else though you're happy to support by taking up more of the slack at home.

What help are they asking for? Taking chocolates and visiting isn’t really help. Personal care… they can pay a temporary carer to help him shower / dress / get ready for bed etc etc - FIL did this after having a hip replacement as he lives alone. And things like shopping, tidying, your husband can help with. Can’t he stir his siblings up to help out?

Don’t do this! They’ll think you’ve taken leave of your senses. If your husband is so keen to provide them with support he goes round before or after work. He can tell them that if they want you to call in they need to phone and invite you because they make you feel unwelcome and unwanted. Your FIL does not need 4 weeks bed rest. That would actually be the worst thing for him.

Yes he is either having his first operation ever or is hoping to pull one, no one is ever advised to lie in bed after operation,one way to get bloodclots.

To compare c section mums are up asap after anasthesia wears off taking care of their babies.

FIL is not your responsibility. Prostate operation 4 weeks bedrest- as if! Its 4 weeks off from work not bedrest, no doxtor would ever advise that after operation its up and moving about as soon as possible,like same or next day of the surgery to avoid bloodclots and aid faster healing.

So no dont go anywhere near that situation your husband is wierd even suggesting it

Kindly explain to DH that if he has time to visit his dear father and discuss how you can be pressed into service, then he has time to look after his father.

Also check with the hospital about this 4 weeks in bed nonsense. If they won't speak specifically, ask in principle and about standard practice. It looks like FIL is taking the P.

See if you can pick up some overtime: Christmas tends to be a busy period. If you're expected to fo extra work, you might as well benefit from it.

Let your husband throw his little tizzy. Sit on the sofa, drink copious amounts of wine, scroll away and really piss him off.
Make hay since he’s gonna be pissed off anyhow.

When he whinges, tell him “This is a you problem.” Then take a nice looong drink.

lol

Not the point of the thread but mine did! Took a while to get right as he was full of FOG himself (Fear Obligation Guilt) and, like it sounds the op might have been, I had been accidentally condition through my own childhood to put others before my own well-being and somehow someone being unkind/borderline abusive meant I had to try even harder to please them. We both had independent counselling and my GP referred me for EMDR for suspected cPTSD when I fell very ill with health issues that would have killed me without the wonders of modern medicine that all had a root in anxiety and a long term unrecognised trauma response.

No you are not being nasty. This work needs doing and the right thing to happen is either one of their own offspring does it out of love or they pay someone to do it. You are not an appropriate unpaid substitute. You are being treated shittily by people who don't value or care for you. Your DH is telling you who he really is and what he really thinks of you. Listen.

Not nasty. My IL's have been abusive for 25 years. MIL passed last year. Now FIL has a plethora of medical issues & needs two knee replacement surgeries. I've made it clear, even though I'm SAHM, I'm not doing anything.

Not just because of their treatment of me, but I'm not becoming default carer of their parent so DH & SIL can carry on their fancy jobs and take the praise for caring for FIL.

His parents his responsibilty not yours.

Millions of women people around the world manage to juggle full time work with caring responsibilities. Your lazy entitled DH can pull his socks up and get on with it.

I can just imagine your husband's petted lol that you haven't jumped to heal. How he has to play the victim to is narcissist parents.

Say no! Infact if your husband brings it up again maybe tell him you are fine if he wants to go part time so that he could go to his parents to help them. At most I'd work a bit extra to cover household costs but stay away from doing any care.