To not want to help FIL after surgery?

Take a 6 pack of kit-kits and ask if there's anything they need.

When they tell you, write it down and put it next t the phone so they don't miss anything out when they call their other BIL and SIL.

What goes around comes around, and they have treated you appallingly. You need to stand up for yourself - being a doormat isn't good for you, and it's a terrible example to set for your children.

Nah. Support goes both ways. The DH should support his wife in not spending time or looking after people who have been abusive to her.

If he wants to take chocolates round, he can. It's not OP's family, it's his.

Would you do it for a neighbour who had been utterly vile to you then?

I would support your husband. He's worried about his parents. It won't kill you to go and take a box of chocolates and see if there of anything you can do. You don't have to do anything huge but help you should.

I would do this for a neighbour ..these are your family. You don't have to particularly like them but I'm assuming you like your husband

What?! Because white people can’t be misogynistic?? What a ridiculous, narrow minded comment!

YANBU. They are not your parents and given how they av e treated you in the past, I think you don’t owe them anything. Their own children need to step up. It’s irrelevant they work full time. They should take holiday or dependants leave.

You are not being unreasonable. You reap what you sow.
I helped my in laws where I could in their later years, but they were the nicest people to walk the earth and were always incredibly grateful.
My dsil did the bulk of it but I helped where I could.

Did you read how unpleasant the ILs have been to OP? How she has helped out in the past, unlike the IL's own children, but been treated nastily back, with the FiL shouting at her and being abusive?

There's a difference between being a kind person and a doormat.

Why do you think it’s ok for her in-laws to have been so fucking nasty to her? Any comment on that at all, any acknowledgment that THEY created this situation?

Dear OP definitely stand your ground

as the wife of a 73 DH, (fit, golfer), we were horrified at what my DH has been through over the past four weeks after have a large bit of prostrate lasered, he was one of the few that had awful catheter problems. Been rushed back to hospital ward twice in middle of the night and been through some awful post op procedures. I am the lot younger wife and I’ve struggled with it tbh.

we saw the surgeon yesterday and he was well it is major surgery after all. Just because we haven’t cut you across your abdomen doesn’t mean it wasn’t major.

obviously there’s all sorts of levels to this surgery but I do think if your FIL is like my DH then he, and his wife, probably do need help, but not from you OP.

Why are so many people on here just nasty?!!

OPs DH asked her to pop round with chocolate and ASK if they need help - that’s all.

It’s just basic human courtesy stuff and something any supportive partner would do for their other half. I’ve done stuff to make DH look good in front of his family and he’s done the same for me - both happy to do so.

I would just do it OP and not make a massive deal out of it

Running around and being a skivvy for men who are abusive to you, is not self respect mate.

Well of course it's your job - if you're a woman that's what you should do!😆

What bloody cheek - tell him that what goes round, comes round and who made you his father's nurse? Reality check for your partner: if you choose to treat somebody with contempt and rudeness, then don't be too surprised if they do the same in return. Let the family sort out THEIR father.

Don’t help your FIL.

Absolutely this.

Do you have young kids at home with you or why do you work part time?

Do you and your husband have similar incomes?

Tell him to pay for support and hire someone to go in.

You don't need to care for his father post surgery.

You don't owe them a anything. Let your husband do what he wants. Stand firm.

Four weeks? It sounds as though they're trying to con you into being their skivvy for a month. Well done for standing your ground, it's difficult in a family situation like yours.

I refuse to go to my sister in law's now, she's rude, aggressive and generally vile to me and lies about me constantly.

I wouldn't be seeing FIL or having any contact with ILs either. You reap what you sow.

Personally, what I would offer husband, if I worked less hours, is any help I could give DH that did not require contact. Things like phoning round to investigate paid care options, taking some of DH's own domestic chores on temporarily (if he does any), extra food as PP have mentioned etc

Potentially dangerous as well. Being as mobile as possible post-surgery is always the advice because it reduces the risk of a thrombosis. These days post-operative patients are often on Fragmin for a while as well.

And I'd be very unimpressed with your DH, OP. You're his wife, not an unpaid servant there to wait on his unpleasant relatives.

Another hard 'no' from me.

Looks like they and DH have realised the siblings are not pulling their weight which is the real problem . That's good.
He also doesn't seem to be asking you any more so that's also good
Expect that he will be around a bit less and less able to help on your household as he supports his parents - I think that's ok and reasonable for you to do a bit more maybe . As a PP suggested you could make a bigger stew or something and give him a portion for them and that makes you the bigger person. Up to you. I'd probably do this as I am not such a hardliner as some of the PP.

You are not being nasty. Your in laws sound awful and your husband not much better,

The only thing you should offer (in as cheery a voice as you can muster) is to take up the slack at home so that dh can do any caring or chores that his family need.

and 4 weeks bed rest is nonsense.

I think you need to tell your DH you will support your DH in his caring responsibilities -

By this I mean you will be picking up the slack at home whisky he visits or shops for his parents - you support him in caring for them.

It’s hard when parents are ill and I’m sure he’s worried - but be there for your husband and let him know that.

FIL is an arsehole and his chickens have come home to roost. Screw him.

I've never heard of 4 weeks bedrest for a prostate op - when my Dad had one, they told him to keep mobile, and just not overdo it. Staying in bed is seen to be negative nowadays.😗