To not want to help FIL after surgery?

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help

I’d sympathise with him and tell him how hard it must be for his parents to realise they raised their own children so badly.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

They'll get over it and maybe they'll reflect on why that is but most likely they won't. Either way it doesn't deserve your mental energy.

It's not tit for tat.

It's just tit for.

fluffyboos simply isn't tatting.

It's not about tit for tat, it's about the op putting her own oxygen mask on first and looking after her own energy and emotional reserves.
If the op gets a buzz out of the thankless job of 'being the better person' that's fine, but if it's going to be detrimental to her, then don't do it.

IT IS NOT ‘GOOD BEHAVIOUR’ TO RUN AROUND LIKE A DOORMAT AFTER ABUSIVE MEN.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

I think the only response to that is "oh dear".

It annoys me that some people go through life behaving badly – being rude, selfish, unkind, etc – and yet when they're ill expect others to rally round. And they do rally round! There are so many good, kind, gentle people out there with no support at all. If me, I'd say "f- him...I'm going to help my sweet old neighbour whose wife just died and who has no one."

I would never ever deliberately put myself in a situation where i will be verbally abused, there is no need for me to do that. Infact its stronger to say no! No I will not accept that behaviour and I will not subject myself to it. That is what I'd call modelling good behaviour: standing up for your own boundaries.

Is this what you would tell a child being bullied? Go model good behaviour and keep trying to be friends with someone who is basically a bully. You absolutely would not!

Absolutely disgusting to read your comment.

As pps said: tell your DH that you will support him if he wants to support his parents. And I would also be extremely surprised if 4 weeks of bedrest was actually recommended..

In your position I would try to remember the following:

1. not your parents.
2. your help during the lockdown was not appreciated.
3. you received verbal abuse instead of appreciation.
4. it is not your duty to make up for their children´s lack of help.
5. your DH has never offered to help with your parents.
6. you are presumably already very busy with PT work, housework and childcare. You may not work FT but you have a lot of other duties and chores that your DH doesn´t.

Sounds like the acorn hasnt fallen far from the tree. Your DH is acting in a similar manner to his parents. If you dont like it from the in laws then 1st step is to make it clear you wont take it from DH.

OP, notice how you’re relationahip with PIL deteriorated once you started to help them out with chores. I wonder if you being willing to do their chores made you, in their eyes, lower status? As everyone has said, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns!

Maybe FIL has been nasty to the SILs in the past and that’s why they aren’t flocking to his side now.

I would encourage and support your dh to consider either going part time or condensed hours so he can provide some support in the coming years if he strongly feels that this should be family supporting them.

@Gerrataere

Well said.

That is exactly what will happen.

Modelling good behaviour for a few weeks to OP's father in law wouldn't make OP a skivvy or make her a weak person.

You mean modelling good ‘female’ behaviour, don’t you? Because realistically this is because the op is a woman and her husband shouldn’t be expected for go the extra mile to help his own parents for some unknown reason.

It wouldn’t make her weak, but a skivvy? Absolutely. It won’t stop here, this is the first step to ‘elderly people need care’. It won’t stop after the 4 weeks, this is simply the introduction to the next few years if she doesn’t put her foot down now. It’s not the OPs job to care for these people, it’s her husband’s and any siblings.

MooFroo · Today 08:28

^Why are so many people on here just nasty?!!
OPs DH asked her to pop round with chocolate and ASK if they need help - that’s all.I t’s just basic human courtesy stuff and something any supportive partner would do for their other half^

They have spent years being horrible to her and now they expect her to be all hearts and flowers. She's right to tell them to get stuffed.

OH had this operation he walked out of the hospital. The only issue was bladder control. He needed to be near a loo for a bit. I'd ask his surgery what help they can get and your local council if he's wanting help.

It's not going to change his behaviour in the slightest. It's clear from what the OP has written that her ILs don't appreciate anything she does. Why would they suddenly change their ingrained attitudes and behaviour now? There's no value in showing that you are a better person than a shit person, either.

And what if the in laws say ‘ah yes, here’s a list of things we need help with’. Can the the op say ‘oh no, I didn’t mean I was actually going to help. I can’t stand you 🙂’.

Yes partnerships work both ways. So the op should do exactly as much as her husband did to help when her own father was unwell.

It isn't tit for tat. It's refusing to have the literal piss taken out of you. There's a massive difference

No. What goes around comes around. Anyone that would willingly go just to get further abuse is a doormat.

Tell them you won't facilitate him doing something that will actively impede his recovery. Four weeks bedrest, indeed! When I had an abdominal hysterectomy I was make to get out of bed the following morning, and walk on stairs in the afternoon. It was made clear that keeping mobile was key to recovery and avoiding DVT.

I'm amazed at how many people think that tit for tat is an acceptable way to live. Modelling good behaviour for a few weeks to OP's father in law wouldn't make OP a skivvy or make her a weak person. To me, it makes her the stronger person if she CHOOSES to do something so difficult and unnatural. It might help to change his behaviour, but even if it doesn't - it shows that OP is a better person. (But 4 weeks bed rest can't be right).

If he was that worried he's get off his arse and help himself. In laws aren't family unless they choose to welcome you into their family. Otherwise they're just people your partner has the misfortune of being related to and are therefore 100% your partner's problem

His parents, his responsibility. You reap what you sow. His parents don’t deserve your care. Leave them to it and don’t be bullied into it.