Punishment for DS12

This isn't the most direct way to approach it, but Sun Kil Moon (Mark Kozelak of Red House Painters) has written two songs based on true stories about family members dying from aerosol cans exploding in fires. 'Carissa' and 'Truck Driver' on Benji.

Worth trying perhaps - you never know what will cut through.

Totally!

Personally I would give him his stuff back now. It's not relevant to what he's done so it's a punishment not a consequence and probably won't help. I would probably apologise for my reaction to build bridges and connection again but stress that I reacted like that because I was scared because of how serious what he was doing is.

Personally I would make him watch some videos about the dangers of fires. Talk to him about why he did this, and I would have a rule that he is not allowed to have his bedroom door closed for a while because he can't be trusted in his room alone.

Obviously I understand that. Taking a bedroom door away does little to actually make the house safer, though, unless OP is constantly watching him when he's in his bedroom to make sure he's not setting something on fire.

@LoneFemaleTraveller why an areehole? Am I missing something?

And also an arsehole so not sure what good that will do.

honestly, op, this is a kid who needs to speak to a professional.

He has ADHD, shouting does nothing at all for a child, especially with ADHD, it makes them angrier if anything.
You need to be teaching him the dangers of fire. Also, why has he had freedom to get a lighter, these should be put safely away.
Roll on deodorant going forwards.
Also why is he bored? You've grounded him for a month, which will just make the boredom worse. Find things to keep ion occupied.
You need to be talking to him, asking him why he's done it? What he can do if he's feeling bored? Etc. it doesn't sound like communication is very good in your house.

Did he get the point though? The objective is for him to feel consequences and never do something like that again. If he's truly sorry there's no point to further punishment.

I'd lock the phone right down so he can only call and message if you want him restricted for longer. But I'd be expecting him to earn money to replace the carpet.

Stick to it for a month.

Ban him from meeting that friend. Even if it means curtailing his freedoms to an extent.

Get his Dad onboard.

I’d also have a chat with the police to share the videos and messages so they can get the school / social services involved. He’s basically self-harming

@PutinSmellsPassItOn she said his dads a fireman...

Don't give In prematurely it will make you look soft and I agree with removing the ability to go on tik toc extra.
I had a friend years ago whose son was similar and had adhd. She kept smelling smoke but couldn't work out why. Turns out when he was showering he was removing the lift hatch and had a whole set up on the hatch..... ash try, tobacco, lighters etc.
She thought she was going mad. It was only because he confessed all to his much younger sister and she told their mum.
Basic everything until he can be trusted. And his dad should be round asap not ' I will have a chat with him'. There are some things you have to be a United front on and I would have thought dad would understand this is one of them....

Stop buying him deodrant and go for roll on until he can be trusted, make sure he is searched for lighters until he has gained back your trust.

I would give him his phone back when you originally planned and get him a basic non smart phone which would come in handy as a spare.

My friends done this as teens but on the bus and I was always terrified as I have a fear of fire and was always worried it would explode. I would be tempted to show him pictures of serious burns but I can be irrational when angry 😶

How long has your dss being living with you and what does your own son feel about having to share with him?

Do you not have smoke detectors?

I'd be taking him for a visit to the fire brigade and the police, he needs professional help. This isn't just fuckwittery from a teenager, this is behaviour a boy his age should know the danger of, the fact he doesn't is extremely worrying. Don't try to handle this one by yourself op.

Burning deodorant cans etc is actually really common among teenage boys. I hate that sort of thing but I know both mine have done it and I made it clear I wasn't happy. They definitely seem to go through a phase of common sense issues, and the risk part of their brain doesn't mature until early 20s. To be clear, mine never did this indoors and I only knew because they told me!

I wouldn't punish your son personally, I would just have a really serious talk about the dangers and issues of what he did. Make sure he understands that what he did is in no way acceptable, ever. Hopefully he will take note of what you say.

With setting fires and adhd i think id go a different way. counselling / therapy would be my forst phone call. Then filling his spare time with structured activities.

surrey council has this advice, but your local council may also have similar. https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/community/fire-and-rescue/children/children-who-set-fires#:~:text=surreycc.gov.uk-,Why%20do%20children%20and%20young%20people%20set%20fires%3F,threat%20to%20life%20and%20property.

I'm quite old school (use the naughty step occasionally etc) but I am not sure punishment is appropriate here. I agree with PP that education on the effects of house fires is more likely to make him stop doing it again. A natural consequence is room searching/ checking that he hasn't done it again and has to stay downstairs instead of in his room until you can trust him (which I imagine a teen boy will hate). Maybe you can get him to earn his phone back etc early if he researches and presents / writes something on the danger of fires etc.

My son used to burn things in the house . He also has severe adhd .
I got the fire service to send a guy round to show my son videos etc of consequences- burnt arms etc from lighting aerosols.

I also bought him a fire pit for the garden so he could follow his compulsions in a safer way

he is an adult now and still sometimes burns kitchen roll outside - just because he’s bored .

Anyway after I took his phone I seen videos where he was in this kids house filming the kid doing the same thing but setting fire to himself @Str3bor please tell me you reported this to the other child's school and provided the video.

I think a harsh punishment for potentially destroying everything in your house apart from the clothes on your back and possibly the neighbours' houses too is right. As a teen I woke up to our house on fire. My Mum thought she had put the cigarette out properly. It was pure luck that I happened to wake up when I did. My siblings were asleep upstairs. We were all having lie ins because it was school holidays. It haunts me to this day.

I would be more concerned with why he has done this. I have would probably have come down hard but for just a fortnight instead. I would probably also instigate new rules of having to keep the bedroom door open unless he was getting changed until he could be trusted more.