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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend

33 replies

Kleeklee86 · 01/11/2023 09:36

So I’ve been with my bf for two years I struggle to talk about certain things including money, I’m struggling atm he buys grocery’s every week but I’m paying for rent etc, this hadn’t been a problem for me up until a few months back when I had to pay out money regularly now I’m feeling like I’m working to live! My moods have changed because of this and he says I take it out on him I don’t argue or shout just go into quiet mode and don’t want to talk?? I feel like just saying shall we go out deprecate ways then??

OP posts:
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Ponoka7 · 02/11/2023 23:23

HerMammy · 01/11/2023 10:00

@Ponoka7
What do you do, pop the heating on and hand him £10? and he accepts it? Odd

He's been in hospital and I've stayed in his, which has saved me money in travel expenses. So I've paid for the utilities I've used while there. When you are on a tight budget then that's what you have to do. We are both mortgage free and don't want to combine finances (at 56). We both have health issues which impacts on working. If we split there'll be no recriminations etc. We mix in the same circles, so won't ever fully part company. It works for us.

Bananalanacake · 02/11/2023 07:15

Did you lose your council tax single person discount, he should be paying extra to cover that. I refuse to let a man move in with me until we've been together at least 5 years, all previous bfs have respected my need for my own space.

Notnowbernard63 · 02/11/2023 07:05

OP I was advise counselling if you fear communicating due to passed relationships.

Your boy friend must know he is taking the piss financially. And he is happy to do so. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this.

Chuck hun out and start again…

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 02/11/2023 06:59

Why doesn't he pay rent and bills???

Mumtime2 · 02/11/2023 06:55

Ok don't feel it is to late.
Sit down and stipulate he pays for rent, power and food.
What else?
Your in minimum wage, your frustration needs put to rest by dealing with the issue.
If he has problems with it send him on his way.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 02/11/2023 06:43

OP, he’s a cocklodger. He needs to pay half of rent, bills, council tax - EVERYTHING.

If he refuses, get him out TODAY.

Bearpawk · 02/11/2023 06:39

Yes perhaps it is best you separate if you're not mature enough to have a basic conversation about costs of living

Dishwashersaurous · 02/11/2023 06:36

How on earth has he moved into your home without having a conversation and agreeing that he would pay half rent and all bills.

  1. Set up a spreadsheet of all the household costs.
  1. Show him the list
  1. Explain costs need to be split 50.50. Add up the total
  1. Set up a joint account into which you both put that amount of money.
  1. Transfer all household bills to that account.

If he doesn't agree to share the cost of living in a property then he moves out. Now.

johnnydoe · 02/11/2023 02:22

Coffeerum · 01/11/2023 09:42

I don't really understand your post, are you living with him and paying all the rent?
Or are you just going through a stressful financial time individually and he feels you take all your stresses out on him?
Regularly going quiet, not talking and then threatening a breakup is quite an immature response to anything.

Test

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2023 02:19

I don't even know where to start...
Where are your boundaries, @Kleeklee86 - your self esteem?
Where have you been all your adult life, to put up with this shit?

A bit of reading might do you the world of good:

Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

myopinionmatters · 02/11/2023 02:13

If he's costing you get rif

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 01/11/2023 22:59

Dear god just talk to him

sorry but this is nuts

HerMammy · 01/11/2023 16:24

And I hope you're not doing ANY child care for this cocklodger.

Wavessea · 01/11/2023 16:21

He’s a free loader and that in itself is very unattractive

HerMammy · 01/11/2023 16:18

I've no words, why was this not sorted before he moved in with child in tow??? Does he work? List all the bills and half them

Original poster
Kleeklee86 · 01/11/2023 12:58

Yes it’s only the food shop nothing else, I’ve even looked into a second job but I’ll have no life, if it was me I’d be asking regularly if everything’s ok or if I need help but no I’m scared now I’ve left it go on for so long as is it! I’m only on minimum wage

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 01/11/2023 12:35

You 'can't talk about money' with your boyfriend but you still thought it would be a good idea to live together? In YOUR house? You've never asked him to contribute anything more than groceries?

This is fucking insane. Clearly you should have had a conversation about finances before he moved in. He shouldn't be letting you pay all the rent and all the bills for him and his child while he contributes nothing but a weekly trip to Asda, but equally, as you've never told him anything different, he is assuming that you are fine with this arrangement because you've never told him otherwise. Being moody with him instead of JUST TELLING HIM THAT YOU NEED TO WORK OUT FINANCES is incredibly immature. You can absolutely go your separate ways if you're not happy with him, but refusing to talk about the basics of adult daily life with a partner and then giving them the silent treatment when they can't manage to read your mind is something that's going to fuck up any relationship, not just this one.

Namerequired · 01/11/2023 12:11

He should be paying half of all bills, plus all bills for his child (extra food, clothing etc, not necessarily heat/electric). Surely he’s not living there and just paying food, leaving you short for everything else?

Jewelspun · 01/11/2023 12:10

Get yourself prepared.

Write down all your monthly outgoings.

Write down what you have coming in.

Then you ask him to write down his finances and then you sit down together and work out what is a fair split of all the bills.

If he won't do that then you ask him to leave.

He must have built up quite a lot of savings lodging with you for free and only paying for food.

Whataretheodds · 01/11/2023 12:08

justanothermanicmonday1 · 01/11/2023 12:06

He really should be paying money towards rent tbh. Everything should be 50/50 when it comes to priority bills. Have a conversation and if he doesn't like it tell him to move on.

This

justanothermanicmonday1 · 01/11/2023 12:06

He really should be paying money towards rent tbh. Everything should be 50/50 when it comes to priority bills. Have a conversation and if he doesn't like it tell him to move on.

Hiddenvoice · 01/11/2023 12:04

Since he’s moved in then I’d expect
him to be paying for more than the weekly shop. It might be best for you two to sit down and work out your own finances and how much your place is costing and then come to some agreement over it all. Weekly shops can be expensive but is he contributing to anything else?

Original poster
Kleeklee86 · 01/11/2023 11:40

No joint tenancy I’m on the house only

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleeklee86 · 01/11/2023 11:39

I was living on my own for two years prior to him moving in this time last year, yes he lives with me once my outgoings are gone I’m pretty much left with hardly anything, he buys the weekly shop he has a dc also so he stays with us a lot twice a week overnight and every other weekend. There’s no arguing or shouting I just go quiet it’s how I deal with it I had too much conflict and aggression with my ex husband

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/11/2023 10:07

Can you break down costs for us?

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