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Original poster

Xmas and ExDH

28 replies

50plusandfabulous · 31/10/2023 20:27

I’ll likely be divorced by Xmas this year, been separated 3 years. I have bought the family home and Ex DH lives not far away.
Im having our only DS and his girlfriend ( they don’t live at home) for Xmas dinner, they were going to her family but thats not happening now.
I’m not a fan of Xmas, DH always made it all about him and insisted on going the pub on Xmas day like most other days so I was always rushing round trying to do everything and dragging him out of the pub. Last year i made the effort and hosted Xmas day despite us not being together.
He was absolutely hideous, didn’t contribute a thing , no presents even for DS, and then was shitty because I had had a Baileys and couldn’t drive him to the pub. It was a horrible day and it culminated in a massive row and me in tears.
So this year, i know he is unlikely to make plans, I feel bad because 1) I wouldn’t see a dog alone on Xmas day and 2) DS says he would feel bad if his dad was round the corner on his own.
ExDH also has form for being a martyr / suffers with depression/ is a borderline/ functioning alcoholic , all of which contributed to our marriage breaking down.
I cannot face the thought of another shitty Xmas, I’ve not had a great couple
of years myself and I am just so torn between putting a brave face on for DS and salving my own conscience by having Ex DH or saying he has to sort himself out .
I had originally planned to be abroad but it fell through and then I felt bad that DS had no plans.
AIBU to say I don’t want him here Xmas Day ?

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Original poster
50plusandfabulous · 31/10/2023 22:18

Thank you for your responses. I’m going to be honest and sorry if its a drip feed, but i met someone else and left my husband. I have paid for it heavily emotionally and financially and I know it’s nothing to be proud of , but my life had been shit for years. I’m on my own again now and ex DH was on a dating site before I’d even had chance to clear my stuff out, he was with someone a while but I think even she got fed up with him.
We are amicable for the sake of DS and he has to mind our dog the odd time when I’m away with work.
I will speak to DS, i would be happy for him to go there , Ive had a few invites from family and friends , but I know for a fact there would be no cheer, decorations, dinner or gifts at his house and that his girlfriend would point blank refuse as she and EX DH don’t really get on.

OP posts:
Testina · 31/10/2023 21:14

Your son is an adult. Expect him to react as such. Nothing stopping him going round for part of the day to his dad’s. Or the pub with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do not tie yourself up in nonsense about not leaving a dog alone at Xmas. I’ve spent lots pf Xmases alone post divorce. It’s fine.

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 21:14

Oh look it’s the consequences of your ex husband’s actions catching up with him. Who’d have thought it 🤷‍♀️
But on a serious note definitely don’t entertain him. Your ds can meet him in the pub for an hour or 2 if he really feels the need to

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/10/2023 21:08

As for DS I would tell him to knock it off with the emotional blackmail. He can feel bad for his dad. But that does not mean you have to be abused by your ex.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/10/2023 21:06

Of course it is not unreasonable - what would be unreasonable is to do something you resent because you have a sense that no one should be alone on Christmas day. If he has no other options, that is on him.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/10/2023 20:59

DS can pop over and see his Dad, oh but his Dad will be happily pissed in the pub.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 31/10/2023 20:58

I really don't understand why you felt bad about your DS having no plans. He has a girlfriend, surely they were going to spend the day together anyway. The fact that they're no longer going to her family, doesn't mean that your DS needs to spend the day with you, let alone make you bad for not wanting to invite your Ex. As others have said, tell your DS that you will be divorced shortly, and as such have no obligation to invite his father round on Christmas Day, particularly when having done so out of the goodness of your heart last year, he ruined it for you. Tell him you have no problem with him only spending part of the day with you, and if he wants to see his DF that badly to make plans to meet up with him at his own house, because he is NOT coming to YOURS!!

Totaly · 31/10/2023 20:56

Stop with the guilt he is not your responsibility and why do that to yourself!!

Your DS can host who ever he pleases in his home. That’s not your problem.

fluffypotatoes · 31/10/2023 20:56

Don't have him round. Maybe DS could go round for a bit if they wanted?

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 31/10/2023 20:53

Your son thought you were going abroad, he could've made plans with his girlfriend and/or his dad, not your fault he didn't bother to sort something out for himself. Your ex isn't your responsibility anymore, do nothing for him

HowcanIhelp123 · 31/10/2023 20:48

He's old enough to know you seperated for a reason and he didn't behave well last year. You can tell DS you will be welcoming DS and girlfriend for as much of the day as they wish to spend, and if they wish to also make arrangements to see his dad to let you know so you can make sure to organise lunch etc so it won't clash.

Starlightstarbright2 · 31/10/2023 20:47

He is old enough to be explained the reason ex isn’t invited..

SD1978 · 31/10/2023 20:39

Nope. You're not a martyr or his mother. He is not your responsibility. You tell your son that he's not invited, because he always makes it shit, and your son is welcome to arrange to go round there after, you don't mind at all.

StarkRealism · 31/10/2023 20:39

No, don’t invite him. Show your son you’re worthy of respect by standing up for yourself and telling the ex to knob off.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/10/2023 20:39

The thing is that your son will be glad not to spend Christmas with your dad. He will remember all those years of bad Christmases. He just wants to be relieved of the guilt.

If you want to keep your son sweet, you could say that he could take a plated dinner to his dad's at the end of the day after he leaves you. At that point though, everybody knows his dad will be absolutely pissed out of his head. He probably won't even be in his house.

Leeds2 · 31/10/2023 20:37

I would suggest to DS that he makes his own arrangements to see his dad at whatever time and venue he pleased. But make it clear that you need to know an approximate time, so it doesn't interfere with Christmas lunch, and that you will not be acting as a chauffeur. I would also tell him that he is quite free to spend the whole day with his dad if he wants to, but that won't be happening in your house.

justalittlesnoel · 31/10/2023 20:36

DS can lay off the guilt and host his father on Boxing Day, seeing and him and his gf don't live at home anymore! DS can feel bad all he wants, but that's not your problem - you don't deserve to still be putting other peoples feelings above your own.

As PP have said, he won't be alone he'll be in a pub!

Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 20:36

If your DS doesn't live at home and is an adult, why can he not host your Ex at his own house? Or have I misread that?

Khvdrt · 31/10/2023 20:35

Don’t have him at yours; you don’t deserve another spoiled Christmas. Your DS can go and see his dad after dinner

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2023 20:34

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 31/10/2023 20:31

No. Tell your son now that you’re not inviting his dad to your house because of his poor behavior last year, and so if he wants to organize something with his dad too (tea and mince mies at his place, trip to the pub, whatever) to just let you know when it’s decided in case it affects any timings/meal planning while he’s at staying with you.

This

Namechange4234 · 31/10/2023 20:34

Namechange4234 · 31/10/2023 20:33

ExDH has absolutely no where else to go? The pun?

*pub

Namechange4234 · 31/10/2023 20:33

ExDH has absolutely no where else to go? The pun?

Shinyandnew1 · 31/10/2023 20:33

Your DS isn’t being fair here. Have this discussion now.

If he doesn’t want his dad to be alone on Xmas day, he can go there. But if he comes to you, you will not be inviting your horrible ex!

BlondeFool · 31/10/2023 20:33

Dartmoorcheffy · 31/10/2023 20:33

He won't be alone. He will be in the pub.

This.

Dartmoorcheffy · 31/10/2023 20:33

He won't be alone. He will be in the pub.