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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to end things over this text?

256 replies

DoYouAgree · 27/10/2023 22:22

Been with boyfriend a year and a half.
Both have dc and live separately which I think suits us both. I can't Imagine blending families.
I feel we have a nice balance seeing each other once or twice a week.

The issue is I've felt for a long time as though he's happy enough with me but he's not with me because it's me if that makes any sense. Like I'm an easy option.

We've been on a night out tonight and I've seen his lads WhatsApp group (fyi they're all on their mid 40s) and someone has said on there 'ffs how is she with you -' and he'd replied 'chat shit, get Pussy' , I mean is that not horrible, be bad enough from a 25 year old but a 45 year old after 18 months of being together. (I'm about 6 years younger if that makes any difference to the scenario).

I've felt a lot that there's not enough affection, love etc but he's made me feel clingy:needy for ever referencing that. And I've only brought that up 3 times in a year and a half including tonight and nothings changed.

Aibu to end things over that message? I mean it's just grim but also I'm really really sad.

OP posts:
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AgnesX · 28/12/2023 13:04

He's in his 40s? He's not grown up, him and his friends all sound juvenile.

Between his general attitude towards you and that he sounds like a bit of a prick tbh.

Notimeforidiots69 · 28/12/2023 12:59

The OP read the response he typed, which basically said he can chat shit to get pussy... Not that hard to understand if you take the time to read it properly! 🙄

StrangeVeg · 30/10/2023 23:58

Honestly @DoYouAgree I can’t believe the arrogance of him. You’re immature?? That is rich coming from him.

He sounds utterly repellent. When he realised he was in danger of losing you he should have been willing to crawl home on his stomach in order to put things right. Instead he tried to put the blame on (gaslight) you.

As someone said above, it sounds like his friends know him well and do not particularly like what they see. Nothing to do with his outward appearance.

Just keep on re-reading this thread. Be resolved. Be good to yourself enjoy being able to please yourself and do what you want, when you want, it will come.
Hope you sleep well.

Malala21 · 30/10/2023 14:11

Oops sorry!

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 14:04

@Malala21, if you will start a new thread, you’ll get advice.

Malala21 · 30/10/2023 13:54

Dating advice please.. widowed 3 years ago after 30 year marriage, married v young. Started going on dating apps last month. Have met up 3 guys so far, coffee/ drink. All v keen. Two were no goers. 3rd ok, good chat, but not feeling a spark. 3 dates so far with him, also widower, bit needy..Is it acceptable to date a few at once? Should I keep searching for the elusive spark? Not kissed another man since teens😳 in a quandary, don’t want to lead the guy on . Don’t know if I’m looking for a big passionate romance or a steady companion! Help!

BardRelic · 30/10/2023 12:45

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong.

That's never good. And you were still early days, when he should have been on best behaviour. Plus, I agree with PPs, it's a bad sign that he dismissed your feelings as an overreaction. You're better off single, and who knows, someone kind and decent may come along.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 30/10/2023 12:26

DesparatePragmatist · 27/10/2023 23:03

I would translate it thusly:

Mate: wow, how is someone like you with someone like her?

Partner: if you have the gift of the gab you can overcome not being the most handsome chap and win the fair lady

So I wouldn't dump him over it - but I would ask him to grow up and remember you're his partner and someone not to objectify.

Unless you want to break up with him anyway, in which case, go right ahead

This, exactly.

FictionalCharacter · 30/10/2023 11:48

DoYouAgree · 30/10/2023 08:45

He basically said I was overreacting over nothing.
No apologies or anything.
He said I was immature for leaving his house in the morning after the argument without trying to reconcile but I said that we've tried talking multiple times yes about this but also about what I would like from him/how he acts and he cannot or will not understand things from my point of view.
We'd spoke the night before after id seen the text and he shut me down and wouldn't speak anymore so travelled home to his house after the night out in total silence and slept in separate rooms. (I couldn't leave as had been drinking/my car was there).

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong.

It’s painful to have to end it, but that undercurrent would always have been there. Most likely it would have got worse until the whole relationship was toxic. Cutting your losses now was very wise.

ManateeFair · 30/10/2023 11:40

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong

You've done the right thing by ending it.

Maybe (and only maybe) that text was the only thing that bothered you, it would be an extreme reaction to dump him over it. But it sounds much more like a case of that text actually just confirming something you'd always had doubts about.

Him telling you that you're overreacting, and being unable to see what the problem is, confirms that you've made the right decision.

Myfabby · 30/10/2023 11:00

DoYouAgree · 30/10/2023 08:45

He basically said I was overreacting over nothing.
No apologies or anything.
He said I was immature for leaving his house in the morning after the argument without trying to reconcile but I said that we've tried talking multiple times yes about this but also about what I would like from him/how he acts and he cannot or will not understand things from my point of view.
We'd spoke the night before after id seen the text and he shut me down and wouldn't speak anymore so travelled home to his house after the night out in total silence and slept in separate rooms. (I couldn't leave as had been drinking/my car was there).

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong.

You are well rid.

His response after is all the confirmation you needed.

I gurantee you in a few months, you will wonder why you were with him.

Well done for having standards and respecting yourself.

Ilovecleaning · 30/10/2023 09:47

DoYouAgree · 30/10/2023 08:45

He basically said I was overreacting over nothing.
No apologies or anything.
He said I was immature for leaving his house in the morning after the argument without trying to reconcile but I said that we've tried talking multiple times yes about this but also about what I would like from him/how he acts and he cannot or will not understand things from my point of view.
We'd spoke the night before after id seen the text and he shut me down and wouldn't speak anymore so travelled home to his house after the night out in total silence and slept in separate rooms. (I couldn't leave as had been drinking/my car was there).

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong.

’overreacting over nothing’ is the default reaction of the typical arsehole. So glad you have dumped him,OP. Good luck 🌺

Original poster
DoYouAgree · 30/10/2023 08:45

He basically said I was overreacting over nothing.
No apologies or anything.
He said I was immature for leaving his house in the morning after the argument without trying to reconcile but I said that we've tried talking multiple times yes about this but also about what I would like from him/how he acts and he cannot or will not understand things from my point of view.
We'd spoke the night before after id seen the text and he shut me down and wouldn't speak anymore so travelled home to his house after the night out in total silence and slept in separate rooms. (I couldn't leave as had been drinking/my car was there).

It's hard because I loved him and we had some great times together but there was always this undercurrent that something was wrong.

OP posts:
agonyau · 30/10/2023 08:34

I think the basic problem here is his lack of affection & understanding of how you feel, and lack of desire to try to understand how you feel. If he had been profusely apologetic towards you when you raised how upset you were with his disgusting/childish comment & he had cuddled you whilst trying to reassure you it meant nothing, just ‘banter’ with his mates, it would have made all the difference I bet. Instead he appears to have been coldly dismissive about it, and therefore dismissive of your feelings, which doesn’t bode well for any future relationship, especially as he’s in his 40s, so probably set in his ways (he really ought to have grown up by now). He is not doing much for for self esteem , so maybe you should leave him. But do tell him the reasons why, sent him a carefully worded text so he can be in no doubt whatsoever where he’s gone wrong, and then, if he’s bothered, can re-read it for it to sink in - though I doubt this block-head will be the type to care, sadly. Hope your next relationship works out better.

Brutalass · 30/10/2023 08:26

Bin him immediately if you haven't already! He's a piece of shit, an immature one at that and you deserve a hell of a lot more.

Have some self respect and do yourself a big favour.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 30/10/2023 07:49

DoYouAgree · 29/10/2023 22:46

Thanks all - just read the latest responses.
Day 2 now of post break up.
I'm sad but I know it's the right thing to have done.
I've re-read the thread a couple of times to keep my resolve steady as lots of what people have said have hit the nail on the head about what my perspectives of the relationship was and how it's made me feel.

Well done op. How did he react to being dumped?

29cdo · 30/10/2023 07:46

Mamma2017 · 30/10/2023 07:40

Even though every other response says the same 🙄

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 clearly triggered a troll

Mamma2017 · 30/10/2023 07:40

29cdo · 30/10/2023 02:56

🤣 brilliant and frankly the only response of any merit.

Show quote history

Even though every other response says the same 🙄

CopernicusCalled · 30/10/2023 06:28

Sometimes it is hard for any relationship to end (family, friends, romantic or whatever) even where they are clearly not good for us and not meeting our needs.

We are programmed to stick together, to look for the best in others, and to imagine what could be with the other person. When we make the decision to walk away from that it is letting go of an imagined future, even if it's a crap present and past.

Stay strong. He's awful. You deserve better.

Darlingx · 30/10/2023 04:29

Even if you could get past it something will rear its head again because in his lad’s group he is on a low frequency as in basic . Too basic for your needs as you waited for areas of the relationship to further deepen into affection . Talk about wolf in sheep’s clothing and your instincts sadly have been confirmed it’s so disappointed when you have invested yourself but I think you didn’t over invest because you had a feeling something wasn’t progressing to take it to those levels. Gutting but at least its there spelled out as in showing you who he is so no loss there I suppose he just wasn’t emotionally evolved enough for you and he was pitching out of his league what an idiot

29cdo · 30/10/2023 02:56

Kittensat36 · 27/10/2023 22:33

I was dumped by email once. It was horrible, heartbreaking and gut wrenchingly painful.

You should totally dump him by text.

May I suggest "Chat's shit. No more pussy." Then block him every where.

🤣 brilliant and frankly the only response of any merit.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2023 01:29

It's so easy to question ourselves when men do the you're being too sensitive/it's just banter/silly woman minimising bollocks. Good for you for not sweeping shit behaviour under the carpet. Keep the stinking rubbish in the bin, even if it puts perfume on and tries to crawl and creep back into your life.

Original poster
DoYouAgree · 29/10/2023 22:46

Thanks all - just read the latest responses.
Day 2 now of post break up.
I'm sad but I know it's the right thing to have done.
I've re-read the thread a couple of times to keep my resolve steady as lots of what people have said have hit the nail on the head about what my perspectives of the relationship was and how it's made me feel.

OP posts:
ShinyCaptain · 29/10/2023 22:23

Hugs. There are good men, I promise.

Ariana12 · 29/10/2023 22:18

My take: he doesn't like talking to you. He appreciates the free regular sex. That's not a relationship. If you felt the same, so be it. But you don't and it's not a good place for you to be.