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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be taken aback by this comment?

61 replies

PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 15:33

I have 1 DC, aged 8. Sister has 3 DC aged, 4, 2 and 3 months. Having a chat with sis yday and she asked me when would I be having all the kids? Tbh the comment caught me off guard and I didn't realise she was actually waiting for an answer so I kind of spluttered and couldn't quite get my words out, this came across as being reluctant. Sis took offence to this and said I basically don't want to look after all of the kids at the same time, which I totally understand because she's probably right. I don't have any desires to do this voluntarily but absolutely would if an emergency arose or once in a lifetime event was happening, but as a working single parent (zero help) to a child who is finally out of the not so pleassant toddler years, I can't say spending my weekends with 4 kids is top of my to do list if there wasn't a specific reason. I tried to explain this to sis in a nice way but she was already offended that I didn't respond enthusiastically with a date straight away.

OP posts:
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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 23:37

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 15:37

Does she have yours? If so it's giving you child free time and it would be nice for you to reciprocate

True but it's very different with so many including a baby!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 23:37

CatamaranViper · 27/10/2023 15:37

Just tell her that she needs to learn to ask nicely so you can consider it. Her choice to have three kids.

Yup

Rudolphthefrog · 27/10/2023 21:46

Am I missing something? How are you supposed to look after a clingy breastfed two year old and a presumably breastfed three month old, overnight?! Especially as she apparently doesn’t express.

She’s being ridiculous. Tell her when they’re all fully weaned and happy and confident to sleep over you’ll think about it.

Fionaville · 27/10/2023 21:30

We have 2 DCs, SIL has one (younger) She never offered to have our DCs even for an hour or took them anywhere. Now she keeps asking us when we are having her DD over for a sleepover. So, my question to you is, does your sis ever have your DC over? If the answer is yes, then I'd offer to have her DCs. The 'amount' of children isn't the issue. It's the 'give and take' of babysitting duties. Although, I will say an under one year old is a bit much.

Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 21:24

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 27/10/2023 18:17

If your sister had yours overnight, in order for you to have a childfree night, I imagine she wants the same.

Did you have her four year old when she/he was a baby and your own child was a four year old?

I don’t know if she is being unreasonable as she may have been very supportive to you in all manner of ways when you are a single parent and she had no kids or one child?

She was emotionally supportive at times, just as I have been with her over the years. Childcare not so much as she was early 20s and childfree when I had mine and of course wanted to live her life, which I totally understood, I had the baby not her so why should she be stuck in with a baby - she's a social butterfly. She does have childfree nights, just not facilitated entirely by me having all of the kids. I'm absolutely wanting to help out but the thought of all of them at once terrifies me and now I feel pressured to do something sooner than I would have liked.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 21:09

All2Well · 27/10/2023 19:03

My friends with more than one child who want a child free night/day ask multiple people to care for their kids. So baby goes to grandparents 1, toddler to Auntie with a cousin the same age to play with and pre-schooler/reception aged child to grandparents 2 or some variation of this (including paying for childminder or other professional to sit or involving friends who are willing to babysit). No way would they expect one person to look after more than two kids under 5 (including their own).

This is what usually happens tbh, so she does actually have childfree nights but obviously it's harder arranging childcare between multiple people so probably not as frequent as she would like but it's not like I'm just having them every other week either lol, it's literally once every now and then like most

OP posts:
lto2019 · 27/10/2023 19:48

I would say erm probably never - if I wanted four kids I would have had 3 more of my own.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/10/2023 19:33

Fuck that shit.

Zzbutton · 27/10/2023 19:25

Sorry posted on wrong thread !

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 19:13

I would still be laughing at her audacity.
No, she doesn't get to ask that of you and in the manner she did either.

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 19:07

I would be honest and say you don’t think you could cope with all of them at the ages they are right now.

I would possibly do it to give her a break but I’d ask to stay in her house, as I find them easier to deal with as they’re already in their routine.

But there’s a massive difference between looking after 1 extra one vs 2+

All2Well · 27/10/2023 19:03

My friends with more than one child who want a child free night/day ask multiple people to care for their kids. So baby goes to grandparents 1, toddler to Auntie with a cousin the same age to play with and pre-schooler/reception aged child to grandparents 2 or some variation of this (including paying for childminder or other professional to sit or involving friends who are willing to babysit). No way would they expect one person to look after more than two kids under 5 (including their own).

Lilibert456 · 27/10/2023 18:57

Never all at once unless in an emergency.

GunboatDiplomacy · 27/10/2023 18:53

Shinyandnew1 · 27/10/2023 18:42

Why would she think you’d want to have her kids for her?!

Because she's looked after the OP's child many times, and the OP has looked after one or two of her DC many times? It's not exactly a huge leap.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 18:48

I would have instantly said "Never" and meant it. Fuck that.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/10/2023 18:42

Why would she think you’d want to have her kids for her?!

Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:35

@resm yeah that's like me, I don't often ask for babysitting as I work so feel guilty sending dc off regularly on the weekend just for some childfree time whereas sis is sahm so I totally get that she's over by midweek lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:31

@UndercoverCop it doesn't quite work like that actually. 2 yr old very clingy and breastfed still (sis doesn't express) and doesn't cope well with separation so sister usually just asks me to take 4 yr old as she knows 2 yr old isn't going to be happy about being separated, baby is obviously baby so hasn't spent night away yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:26

@GunboatDiplomacy She doesn't look after mine frequently, 2-3 times a year at most and I'd say I do the same plus a few hours in the day/eve for appts/meals out etc. None of this prior to having her own children, so its not like I've had years of babysitting before she became a parent. I get what your saying though, I do want to help but between work, parenting, ferrying to activities, cooking, cleaning etc I am knackered!! And as you said, it's the way she asked that caught me off guard a bit tbh but I would definitely be more open once they are older

OP posts:
Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 27/10/2023 18:17

If your sister had yours overnight, in order for you to have a childfree night, I imagine she wants the same.

Did you have her four year old when she/he was a baby and your own child was a four year old?

I don’t know if she is being unreasonable as she may have been very supportive to you in all manner of ways when you are a single parent and she had no kids or one child?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2023 18:15

I had four children, all 4 at once wasn't something I volunteered for and they were all mine!

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 18:10

I have one DC , DB has two, if I have them I have them both, I wouldn't say you only have one of mine so I'll only have one of yours

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 18:09

@ManchesterLu yes, but the outcome would be the same. For the parent doing the care or being child free. When OP's sister has OP's child she has 4 DC to look after, and OP is child free for the day, if OP looked after her sister's children she would have 4 to look after and sister would be free for the day. I'm sure when you've already got 3 you'd have no strong desire to add to it, especially when there's a new baby in the mix, but sister does it to help OP out, to me that should be reciprocated.

Intriguedbythis · 27/10/2023 17:40

If my sister/ friend suddenly asked me that I would just presume they were overwhelmed and over exhausted and just needed a day to refresh. I wouldn’t get offended or irked even if they phrased it poorly. Doesn’t matter if they have watched your kid or not, a bit of kindness goes far..

Aroundthetwist44 · 27/10/2023 17:38

I have 2 dc myself and am pregnant with my 3rd. They are 4 and 2. I would jump at the chance to have my baby niece overnight. Maybe I'm just mad