In not having a career?

Careers can be glittering but they can also involve long hours, responsibility without enough power to change anything, bullying bosses and making someone you don’t even know rich via your effort. I became disabled six years ago which affected my ability to work or have kids. I loved my career, I’d finally got a creative, rewarding job with a kind boss. But I cared about that SO MUCH LESS than likely losing the chance to have kids. Thank God feminism gave us access to better career opportunities, I wouldn’t be without it. But you’re allowed to care about what you care about.

Hell yes! He is now on girlfriend number 3 (who ironically has a pre-schooler), renting a property and looking increasingly mid life crisis by the day! I am a home owner, settled in a long term relationship with a great man and pretty blooming happy!

...and then the woman rises like a phoenix whilst he then jumps back into nappies, then the cycle repeats. Oh, and lives forever bitter because he is still making ridiculous life choices.

It's a well trodden path.

Half of the threads on MN is this exact scenario or Man is an A-hole and woman can't afford to leave so stay and suffer in marriage.

Ha! I think unfortunately there are a lot of women in our situation. Couple decide to start a family, man feels put out and/or bored by family life and feels he deserves something more exciting so has an affair (usually with a younger woman from work). Boring cliche...

It depends
Are you married? Pension?life insurance?
Will family income be very low? Who will fund you and your kids?
Having $$ when kids older to support them thru uni etc is just as important
You will be responsible for your kids life long whether or not you outsource care and education some hours per day.

@Sunshineandflipflops ...are you me?!

I remember walking around my house the day I bought my ex out and thinking 'this is ALL MINE'. Best feeling in the world

Well said @easylikeasundaymorn . I have been from time to time the sole earner and the stress of it has been considerable. Of course I was grateful that at least I was working and thus able to cover household expenses when my husband was unemployed. But I was also incredibly resentful of his ability to sleep in, do hobbies etc. And that was for less than a year and with him doing everything he could to find a job. I think I would have imploded under the pressure and resentment if it had gone on for 20 years!

There's no right or wrong. It's about where and when you want to invest and reducing the risk of any regrets.

I opted to invest in a career. I'm now mid 50s and oh so relieved I did. I am financially comfortable and it is so nice not to have to worry about money, to be able to spend without counting and to be looking at retiring soon in a good position to make the most of it.

Do I wish I had spent more time with my kids? Yes, of course, but all in all, I definitely have no regrets. My kids grew up happy and settled and are now doing well as young adults. It is nice to be able to spend more time with them now, to be able to help them financially if they need it and for them to have to worry about me and focus on their life.

There really is no right and wrong, and ultimately, we have to make decisions not knowing what the future holds for us.

I couldn't agree more.

How the other person may feel about being solely financially responsible for the whole family often seems to be an afterthought. Not to mention, like you said, what about if they want to volunteer, have a hobby or go part time?

It's a reason why both of us will always work if we are physically able to. I feel like it could easily lead to resentment otherwise.

My sister is 44 and has primary aged kids and just moved to a new job, a rung up from where she was before. Ive got primary aged kids and i got promoted early this year to a v senior role.

Its not that big of a juggle. Instead of collecting them from the school classroom at 3.30, you or DH collect from the school after school club or childminder at 5.30/6.

You don't have to have a "glittering career" but if you don't work at all, where do you plan to get the money you live off, and how will you afford to live in retirement with little/no pension?

Same for me. I always worked p/t after having my dc then when my ex husband decided to have an affair at work some years down the line, I found full time hours in a similar role so that I could support myself and the dc and buy him out of the family home. I also had another support network. I'd have been very stuck otherwise.

The only thing that strikes me about all the "do what makes you happy as long as you can afford it, we only have one life etc." is that the individual 'you' can't afford it (apart from maybe the 0.01% with sufficient inheritance to do so). That's the whole reason people work, because an individual can't support themselves, let alone children as well, without money coming from somewhere (realistically someONE) else, whether thats a partner or the state.

So it's not about "you" singular being able to afford it but the "you" plural, usually your partner and nobody seems to be factoring in whether they would be happy working 40 plus years without a break to support the rest of the family.

Apart from the fact that in the majority of the country you'd need a wage significantly higher than average to do so (the days where a single "normal" wage could support 4/5 people are generally long gone) when does the partner get time to volunteer or do their hobbies or any of these fulfilling things people are suggesting OP could fill her time with if she never goes back to work? What if the partner turns around aged 50 and says "hang on I've supported this family the last 20 years by myself, I'm retiring, it's your turn to cover us all."

Obviously if the partner is happy to do so then that's great, go ahead. But there's a lot of stress involved in being solely responsible for several other people, particularly if having to do so you need a well paid (and therefore often intense and stressful)job. Not to mention what happens if that sole provider gets too ill to work, dies early, or decides to leave the family.

It's not as easy as saying do what makes YOU happy...it should be a family decision that everyone is happy with. Including what's best for the kids...yes there could be benefits to having a parent being around for them whenever they are needed, who can attend all school hours events, and mean they don't need to spend long days in childcare...but there can also be benefits in having additional money in the household (not talking about spoiling kids but significant differences like having their own bedroom, affording hobbies, being supported through university) and seeing behaviours modelled i.e. women's careers are as important as men's.

I enjoyed staying home when my three kids were smaller. When my yougest strated school i went back part-time because it is a bot boring to be home lest be homest. When my you gest was in Y6 i went back full time. I love it but it is really hard. I sometimes envy my friends who stay home or have a more felxible career because they have lower levels of stresses and can enjoy life a bit more. However my job is super interesting and i hope life will become easier as the kids grow up.
You could retrain perhaps to get a job in education and have the school holidays or you could work part-time

If you don’t need the money, then who cares?

OP I hear you. Having children plus a career always sounded beyond my rather low stress levels.

And not just me, I know all the extras that children bring to a working day in terms of pick ups, illness, doctor's etc would tip up the balance of my equally low stress loving DH.

I've had kids late so I do have previous skills I could resurface, but I feel positive about doing the family thing. It just works for us but one thing I would wish is for motherhood to be re-recognised in of itself. I've never worked harder.

I gave up my career to be the flexible parent and I don’t regret it. Other very flexible working opportunities are out there you just have to be willing to retrain or go self employed.

There's more than one way to be a good parent

I would never give up work to care for my child full time because a) I would find that very dull b) I am very risk averse and you just don’t know what will happen to your marriage in future
and c) they’re not dependent on you for ever: better to have built a career and be able to focus on an intellectually stimulating job when they fly the nest.

I find it strange that we automatically think that not working = at home with the kids all day.

I have a highly academic job and in all honesty I wish I didn't have to go back to work. I could have done a part time voluntary research role whilst spending time with the children.

I don't think I will work for long. I will probably end it once my training contract finishes. There is so much to do in the world I definitely won't get bored.

Though if you don't work, there is plenty to do, work for me has provided me with opportunities and adventure that could not have been provided through volunteering or pleasing myself.

You’re not being unreasonable if you don’t want to work and can afford not to. Each to their own. I went back to work on a lower scale when my kids were in primary school, worked my way up the ladder and now in my 50’s earn a very good salary which pays for 3 foreign holidays a year, for cars for my kids when they passed their driving test, allows them to live rent free at home whilst they save up deposits for their own place and a house big enough for us all to live without being on top of each other. As I say, each to their own. I wouldn’t criticise one over the other personally.

It’s a personal decision between a family, there’s no right or wrong choices for individual families, however I think it’s not quite fair to suggest people don’t continue to pursue a career in their 30’s and 40’s.

I was 39 when I had DD (although we don’t have multiple kids which makes logistics easier), I’ve been part time for 4 years and will go back to 5 days a week early next year when I get promoted into my manager’s role. No idea how or whether it will work out for us but we’ll cross that proverbial bridge when we come to it.

Not unreasonable at all, do what works for you and your family.