Another MIL and drinking one

We've never had a close relationship and my DH isn't close to her either, probably because as a child she would drink too much and isn't the most caring person. However since we've had our own DC we want her to have a relationship with her GC so have had these visits from her probably 4 or 5 times per year.

I'm always baffled by this. She wasn't a good parent yet she's going to magically wake up and be a great GP? Why are people always desperate to force others to be this way and then complain when it's clearly not going to work out? I wouldn't leave her with your kids either.

I would start the conversation by saying kindly but firmly I’m sorry, MIL, I can’t have you babysit the kids tonight. I can smell alcohol on you and I’m not policing you, but I don’t leave the kids with anyone who might be affected by drink. Would you like to have a cuppa and a chat about how things are going?

Of course she shouldn't babysit them tonight if she drinks at night. Surely you can see that for yourself.

What? 😱

Can I ask why you are so determined to punish and blame alcoholics @Janieforever ?

I’m really sorry but neither the who or the nhs classify it as a disease. It is classed as a causal effect for disease, ie liver impairement, there are actually over 200 diseases than can be caused by alcohol misuse disorder.

youre into a very complex area. But officially alcoholism is not classed a disease.

can I ask gently why you want it to be? What benefit that brings mentally?

No, they’re not. The over whelming majority agree it’s a disease as does the world health organisation and it’s the official stance of the NHS.

Its already a hard enough disease to battle without being told it’s not one.

That’s a really harsh comment. It’s not a black and white situation.

The medical community is split on this, some feel it is a disease, others feel it is not and to label it as such runs the risk of removing personal responsibility and thus further damaging the addict.

I'm not sure how she is still fuctioning after that amount of gin in two days either. She must be "topping" herself up during the day to ward off the hangover.

Maybe you could do what another poster has suggested and say something about smelling achohol upstairs and see what she says.

Makes no difference whether you’re aligned with it or not. Alcoholism is a disease.

I would just come out with, ooh can you smell alcohol in here it's really strong? and watch her reaction.

No, it indicates empathy and compassion rather than punishment.

My mother was a functioning alcoholic in the years before her death. The reasons were complex, including a sudden and tragic bereavement that she coped with by drinking. I would not have let her look after my children alone but why on earth would I have cut her off from our family? That is beyond cruel.

Your husband needs to step up and tell her you can both smell alcohol coming from her room so she's not capable of looking after the children. Why can't he just do that?

I’m not really aligned with this, as it indicates a lack of personal responsibility for the addict.

She’s an alcoholic, and as others said, this is a conversation your husband has to have with her, preferably alone. Anything else will be too confrontational and difficult for her. I’m sorry but it’s not your place, your husband needs to deal with this. If he’s too much of a wet lettuce to protect his own kids, then yes you do it, but hopefully that’s not the case.

Would you say that about a person who had another illness like cancer or dementia, or a mental health condition @olderbutwiser?
It’s possible for the children to have a relationship without being put at risk. It’s about managing the risks rather than isolating the person completely.

Why do you want your children to have a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic?

Thank you. It's never an easy conversation but you're right, the potential cost of avoiding it is worse.

@IdealisticCynic makes a good point. For certain people at a certain stage, it can do more harm than good to expect someone to stop and, in those times, it's about making the person feel safe and able to live openly with no judgement. Assuming that can be done. My elderly Nanna is still alive but her health has taken a downturn. She drinks red wine to what you would probably (medically anyway) call alcoholic levels but her choice is, why stop one of her pleasures just to squeeze an extra year or two out of an already long life when that time will be spent in extremely ill health with limited choices. Absolutely fair enough, have another wine, treat yourself. Also, I'm not going to pry the booze out of an Irish Catholic Nanna's hand, I'm not that brave 🤣.

On the other hand, people caught in addictions, especially when it's being fed by mental health issues aren't always making a conscious choice so I suppose it's about how to you get to the stage when you're comfortable making that call? A conversation needs to be had. That's a good idea to try something along the lines of “we know you are drinking. We aren’t going to tell you to stop but we don’t want you to hide it as that’s causing us to worry more" to see where it leads. Ultimately OP will will want the conversation to include the fact that there are issues around the children that need to be considered but it's a good way to at least open things up and see what MIL's reaction is.

It's not an easy situation. I hope it goes well OP.

Look into what support is available and be ready to offer this, there’s also an organisation for adult children of alcoholics which may be helpful for your husband. Not an easy situation but I think you’re right to follow your instincts to decline the babysitting offer.

While I understand that it’s less than ideal to have someone drinking secretly in your home, it doesn’t sound to me that the drinking itself is causing any direct problems. Obviously you cannot leave her in charge of the children, but that is not the same as not allowing her to stay at all.

My mil is a (very) high functioning alcoholic. She absolutely wouldn’t recognise that description of herself, but come 6pm she will drink at least 1 bottle of wine. This happens every single day. Only very occasionally is she noticeably drunk.

But she is also in her late 70s, not physically that well, and very lonely. We have talked about it and decided that ultimately, it is her choice if she drinks every evening, if that is what she wants to do. She may not have many years left, and while the drinking may shorten that time, it’s wholly her decision when she isn’t causing any direct harm to others. Stopping drinking would make her much, much sadder.

As such, we never let her look after our DC. But we let her spend plenty of time with DC, simply with one of us present. She occasionally offers to babysit while we go out, and we politely decline. Pretty sure my SIL does the same, though we have never discussed it.

My mil has a lovely relationship with her grandchildren. She plays with them and reads stories and chats to them etc. She loves them and they love her. We just never leave her in charge.

I guess what I am saying is that you do not have to stop your mil from visiting and developing a relationship with her grandchildren. You just have to not leave her alone with the kids. It is entirely up to you if you want to talk to her about the drinking, perhaps a gentle “we know you are drinking. We aren’t going to tell you to stop but we don’t want you to hide it as that’s causing us to worry more.” And then basically leave her to it.

I do know some will think that you must intervene, but she won’t stop simply because you ask her to. And in the end, it’s a matter of autonomy unless it’s actually affecting you and the family. And you can easily tell her she’s making too much noise slamming the doors at night - just don’t say you think it’s because she’s drunk.

I had this situation with my mum before she died. We suspected and then flat out knew she was drinking because of very similar behaviours to your MIL. In the end, I went through her bag and found the bottles. You should absolutely confront her. She'll either admit to it and open up, be evasive and maintain denial or she'll try and turn it on you and make it about breach of trust, invasion of privacy etc (which you'll have to navigate but stand your ground). The fact is, sometimes you have to step over the line for the greater good and you have more at stake than I did, you also have your children's welfare to think about.

If it worsens the relationship then that's fair enough. Someone with mental health problems and addition issues should absolutely be supported without judgement but not at the expense of the immediate welfare of your family. Look after that first and then you can look at how/if you can support her in other ways - if you're even both willing to do that.