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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice relationship/abortion

38 replies

heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 20:36

Firstly I am well aware of how this shouldn't have happened. Not here for critism for advice.

I found out recently I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided to have an abortion.

I stand by my decision however it has been a difficult decision for me. Black and white thinking for him with no emotion. Almost unbothered.

He went away with the lads for a weekend there and left me to go through abortion alone.

We are in our 30s and have been together 4 years.

AIBU for feeling totally abandoned by him. I feel so hurt and rejected and I am questioning the validity of our relationship.

I am also aware my hormones are all over the place and unsure if I am over reacting. Reason for post to reach clarity.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/10/2023 20:00

Don't get sucked into discussion or an argument. It'll only turn into attacks on you for being unreasonable, etc. Then you'll doubt yourself, think you're over reacting, etc. Don't look back. You deserve so much better. And know what? You'll get it! 😊

Caerulea · 26/10/2023 13:18

@heavyheart87 Good decision.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 26/10/2023 12:44

Well put. I have sent a text.

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EvenBetta · 26/10/2023 11:50

The man is trash. He has you thinking you’re ‘selfish’ for hoping for bare minimum, basic human decency. Never again allow some shitty bloke to treat you so badly, never accept such a low quality male in to your life again.
This specimen deserves dumped by text, no arguments needed. ‘I’m no longer attracted to you, the relationship is over. Pick up your stuff on Saturday.’

MaryJanesonabreak · 26/10/2023 07:41

Life is full of ups and downs. No point of being with someone if they aren’t there for the tough stuff.
I would say a termination can be very tough thing for a woman to go through. Your partner showed you who he is, believe him.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 26/10/2023 06:37

Thanks everyone. Your responses have been very helpful. I do feel I deserve better and if it was the other way around I know where I would have been without a doubt. I just didn't want to be making a decision without others perspective. It worried me I was being selfish The other situations have not been as major and I have managed to brush them off. I have not seen him since he went away with the lads..At my request. I don't want him to suffer though so I guess it's time to bring things to an end. Can't thank you all enough for taking time to post.

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Mydogmybestfriend · 26/10/2023 04:21

I am very emotionless when it comes to abortions or miscarriage because I just feel what is meant to be will be. I never understand women that get so upset over these things.
However he is completely out of order not at least being with you when having an abortion and the aftermath.
It would make me question the relationship

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 00:49

He has shown you, very clearly, who he is.

This will be your life if you stay with him.

Difficult birth, sleepless nights with babies, early nursery drop-offs and rushing to collect, illness, perhaps even a serious ¹illness or cancer somewhere down the line - whatever life throws at you, it'll all be down to you.

Think carefully whether this is what you want!

An1ta · 26/10/2023 00:41

Wow just wow. I hope you're ok. So sorry you had to go through this alone. No so sure what you're struggling with more unsupportive partner or the abortion. Either way I hope you'll be fine and some of the responses will help you. I never had an abortion so can't comment on that but if I did I'd want/expect my partner to be there without asking him. But u already know that that's why your post. Hope it gave u a bit of clarity.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/10/2023 00:15

Dump. Him. Now.

I'm so sorry you were on your own when you needed support. 💐

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:38

I don't feel relief only sadness sorounding situation.

That sound awful I hope you feel ok now. How horrible.

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Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2023 23:36

The chips were down and he was out the door and down the hall. Men like this don't change, and this kind of self-absorption doesn't come out of nowhere. I'm sure he has form.

Restinggoddess · 25/10/2023 23:36

Big red flag

You have made a really tough decision and whilst we can all say ‘ men don’t experience the hormones or the abortion’ therefore they don’t understand, it is strange he didn’t think to stay with you or consider what it looks like ( as he goes off to be with the boys whilst you abort)
When you are stronger - I think you should consider this relationship.
Sorry but he let you down - you deserve better

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 23:33

So if you explain how you feel you should get a massive apology. If you don't you've got a snapshot into what your future will look like if you get unemployed or have cancer or are bereaved and need his empathy and
Support

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:32

I say he was there. He was there when I took tablets but did go to work after

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 23:32

I'm so sorry, I went through this a few years ago with an ex fling that I'd had a one off additional hook up with and I was gutted he wasn't there for me - he said he'd come with me, he did hungover, but then left immediately and left me alone at home to actually complete it while he went off to a bbq and didn't even message to see how I was. It felt like he'd just come to be sure I'd gone through with this. I was so so so upset by being left alone by this guy who wasn't even my boyfriend- to hear yours has gone off on a lads trip is so awful.

My only thought is have you told him you're finding it really tough and you would feel a lot better if he was with you cuddling and comforting you, might he assume that you're feeling what he is (relief?)

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:30

Yeah I remember hospital asking if there would be a responsible adult with me. He went to work the day I took pills and said to phone if anything happened he could come home. The more I speak the more I realise

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WithIcePlease · 25/10/2023 23:27

For either a medical or surgical termination, someone should surely have been with you? Neither is a procedure I'd be left alone after.
I don't think he should have needed telling tbh

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:24

He was there when I took pills. In normal circumstances should pass 4-6 hours. Unfortunately it didn't pass until days later which was when he was away. I thought maybe passed and didn't notice.

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Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:20

Very true

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Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:19

This is the question I have been asking myself. Guess I have been trying to make sense of it. Time to let go I think.

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EtiennePalmiere · 25/10/2023 23:18

There are some relationships where you feel lonelier than actually being alone.

vipersnest1 · 25/10/2023 23:14

You shouldn't have needed to tell him that he should be there with you, @heavyheart87 - as an adult, he should have known that.
This is a horrible time for you, I know, but when you're ready, it might be time to re-think your relationship with him.
A partner is a partner in all things, not just when they want to be.

Malarandras · 25/10/2023 23:13

Obviously you are not being unreasonable. The only question I have is why is he not now your ex-boyfriend? There is no point to him in your life. Ditch him and focus on you.

Original poster
heavyheart87 · 25/10/2023 23:11

No Ifeel he would minimise it and call me selfish. Guess that's red flag in itself.

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