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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bin DP's junk while he's away?

165 replies

LittleRayTheCat · 24/10/2023 12:53

DP collects junk. And I mean junk. He collects stuff because he doesn't sort his bag or pockets out enough; because he intends to do something with this junk later on; because he hates throwing stuff out which has some kind of meaning to us however fleeting; because he saves things for me to craft with at some point in the future.

Our under-stairs cupboard currently houses:
>A cracked refill coffee cup that DP intends to superglue and use as a plant pot in his office. He'll unlikely ever get around to super gluing it and never ever to getting a plant for it (unless I do it, which I absolutely won't).

>A backpack with a huge rip that DP intends to sew up or get professionally repaired. He's never sewed anything in his life and he'll likely not get around to finding a repair shop. Again, I'm not doing either of these things for him.

>A power bag for weightlifting which is leaking sand which DP intends to repair with duct tape. He won't get around to this and we bought a replacement bag so why bother anyway?

>A carrier bag full of papers, broken pens, scrolled up tissues, chocolate wrappers, train tickets, empty blister packs etc. that DP took from his old work bag when he got a new one. This has been on a shelf in the cupboard for two fucking years without any moves to get sorted out.

He's away for three days with work. AIBU to bin/recycle/rehome everything while he's away and then just never mention it? I very much bought he'll ever notice.

OP posts:
Whyohwhywyoming · 26/10/2023 00:51

LittleRayTheCat · 24/10/2023 13:51

I've done this in the past. I've asked, I've told, I've given him deadlines. Nothing happens. He has good intentions and then no time or inclination to actually follow up on them.

Show quote history

If you’ve given him a deadline in the past at which it will be chucked and he’s done nothing…why is it still there?! Is he assuming you chucked it when the deadline passed?

FlapSnacks · 26/10/2023 00:10

Everyone has a right to live in their home without the risk of someone else deeming it acceptable to throw away their belongings. Even the broken stuff with intention to mend etc- to do so without their knowledge or consent I would consider a significant breach of trust

Original poster
LittleRayTheCat · 26/10/2023 00:05

Cupcakekiller · 25/10/2023 21:45

Can you put it all in the garage or a shed- so not bin it but get it out of the house? Or chuck it away slowly- one bag a month or something - give him a deadline of a bag/pile a month to use or lose?

We don't have a garage and the shed is full of actually useful stuff 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleRayTheCat · 26/10/2023 00:03

Duechristmas · 25/10/2023 23:42

He needs support letting go, if you bin it help have trust issues. I got mine into watching Marie Kondo. He still hates parting with stuff but he will do it now without getting angry/stressed.

No. He really doesn't need help letting go of a bag of scrunched up tissues, old paracetamol packs and chocolate wrappers. He really doesn't need help letting go a of a power bag which is pissing sand everywhere and which has been replaced anyway.

OP posts:
Duechristmas · 25/10/2023 23:42

He needs support letting go, if you bin it help have trust issues. I got mine into watching Marie Kondo. He still hates parting with stuff but he will do it now without getting angry/stressed.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 25/10/2023 22:48

LittleRayTheCat · 24/10/2023 15:32

Yes, I've done it before.

If I don't mention it, he just doesn't notice. If I do mention it, he's ranged from "Ok" to "Ah, thanks, sorry I didn't get around to it", to "Oh, I was going to repair that". But never been really pissed off, sulked, angry etc.

Show quote history

If you've done it before (more than once, you imply), why are you asking? What is different about it this time? What's changed? Is it that you've got a sneaking feeling that you are wrong to do it? I don't think you should do it because none of it is actually yours but giving him an ultimatum when he gets back seems fair. I'm a great user of bags to shovel stuff into if I need to do a quick tidy. These bags do tend to hang around for quite a long time afterwards but the sense of both satisfaction and relief I get when I eventually go through them and discover most of the stuff is actually totally dispensable is a great feeling. Perhaps by giving him a deadline, you can help him towards finding that joy. 😊

Homegrown11 · 25/10/2023 22:30

This could be my dad! My mum has been throwing stuff out for years and he’s never noticed! Occasionally he’ll spot something she’s half way through sorting so she tells him I want it and she brings it to me to throw out instead!! He’s happy because it’s “being used”, she’s happy because it’s not in the way any more, and I’m happy because it’s one less bag of 💩 I won’t have to clear out in the future!!

Cupcakekiller · 25/10/2023 21:45

Can you put it all in the garage or a shed- so not bin it but get it out of the house? Or chuck it away slowly- one bag a month or something - give him a deadline of a bag/pile a month to use or lose?

Teddleshon · 25/10/2023 21:42

My dh is a terrible hoarder. Every single week for the past 15 years or so on bin day I have taken something from his pile of nonsense and put it in the bin. He has never noticed or said anything.

MuddlingMackem · 25/10/2023 21:41

AnaisMae · 24/10/2023 12:55

I came here to say YABU off the title alone, but when I read it you are definitely not being unreasonable and yes I'd throw it all.

Exactly this!

RedRiverShore4 · 25/10/2023 21:32

The thing with man crap is that it often need to go up the tip rather than just the household bin, I spotted the old caravan battery in the garage, we replaced it because it was no good, I told him to take it up the tip when he went but he hummed and hawed and said I might need it, it's an old worn out battery.

RedRiverShore4 · 25/10/2023 21:27

DH used to have loads of magazines and I just used to chuck a load away when he went out, occasionally he would look for one but would just think it was misplaced. Thank goodness magazines aren't a thing nowadays, he just has the odd one now. I also chucked out loads of old photos of car engines and stuff like that as they excessive, again not a problem nowadays.

Original poster
LittleRayTheCat · 25/10/2023 21:14

PurpleBugz · 25/10/2023 19:48

Broken stuff yeah get rid. The carrier bag of crap may have paperwork in he wants so maybe not that unless you want to sort it yourself?

I'm chaotic and have multiple bags of crap I need to sort and would be very upset if a partner binned them. But if they binned all the crap I have stored I plan to repurpose but haven't got around to I'd accept it's fair enough

Nope, the carrier bag is going. It's mostly old train tickets, scrunched up tissues, empty blister packs, chocolate bar wrappers etc. There's some paper in there but its mostly scraps with mental notes on them (like where he's meeting someone in July 2018). Either way, the bag hasn't been opened in two years so the paperwork can't be that important.
He's actually very organised when it comes to actually important paperwork.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleRayTheCat · 25/10/2023 21:10

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/10/2023 16:22

Do you mind if his mother pops round and clears out all your 'junk'?!!!

Totally get the nuclear irritation Factor but you have no right to dispose of anyone else's things, shit or not. Some people hoard crap due to CPTSD or other reasons but if you previously agreed to him bringing it and now say no then he might never trust you again. It's very insensitive IMHO.

Speak to him and support him to get rid and help him to do it.

I don't get it. What's his mother got to do with anything?
Neither of our mothers are involved in this situation 😂To answer your question, I'd be pretty pissed off if his mother popped over and binned my stuff because (a) I'm not married to his mother, (b) she doesn't fucking live here, (c) her decision about what to bin (i.e. what's 'junk') wouldn't be based on any kind of knowledge about the actual stuff. It's not an analogous situation.

I've been clear, there are no MH issues here. DP hangs on to shite because he has good intentions to mend/repair stuff but doesn't have the time or inclination to actually do so.

Even if there were MH issues (again, there are not), like @OldandTired66 said, what about my mental health? What about the cluttered feeling in my brain that comes from cupboards and drawers full of junk?

OP posts:
OhYeahOhYeah · 25/10/2023 20:49

Just bin all the shite and enjoy the cleansed feeling lol. He probably won’t even notice, and if he does, tell him that elusive HouseWork Fairy paid a visit unannounced

PurpleBugz · 25/10/2023 19:48

Broken stuff yeah get rid. The carrier bag of crap may have paperwork in he wants so maybe not that unless you want to sort it yourself?

I'm chaotic and have multiple bags of crap I need to sort and would be very upset if a partner binned them. But if they binned all the crap I have stored I plan to repurpose but haven't got around to I'd accept it's fair enough

frenchfries111 · 25/10/2023 18:36

I’ve done this. DH hardly remembers the items, if you show them to him they suddenly become incredibly important and must be kept forever (then he forgets again).

My main bugbear at the moment is a broken jewellery box that he bought his mum when he was 11. It’s big and cheap (hence why it broke). I don’t want it, DD doesn’t want it. It’s broken anyway, and is taking up room in a cupboard. He won’t ever ever fix it. He thinks he has to keep anything that was ever in his parents house and they are incredibly important. This has included broken electricals.

He complained recently that I sont want to move somewhere bigger as we could get ‘more stuff’ which is exactly why I don’t want to move.

Jellybean23 · 25/10/2023 18:31

Bin it. The row will be worth it.

LinaM20 · 25/10/2023 18:24

Don’t worry, these are kids books that “he’ll get around to reading at some point” mostly given as presents, not his beloved ones. I know which ones he loves.

addictedtotheflats · 25/10/2023 16:28

Absolutely, get it gone. I always bin my DP's things he's never noticed. Can't stand hoarding

OldandTired66 · 25/10/2023 16:26

In this case, no obvious MH hoarding issues, I would just bin it (but he'll just fill the space with more crap). I'm just interested in all the pp pointing out it how unreasonable it is to throw someone elses junk out because of mental health without considering the mental health of the person who has to put up with all this crap (me).

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/10/2023 16:22

Do you mind if his mother pops round and clears out all your 'junk'?!!!

Totally get the nuclear irritation Factor but you have no right to dispose of anyone else's things, shit or not. Some people hoard crap due to CPTSD or other reasons but if you previously agreed to him bringing it and now say no then he might never trust you again. It's very insensitive IMHO.

Speak to him and support him to get rid and help him to do it.

Original poster
LittleRayTheCat · 25/10/2023 16:15

I'm afraid it'll have to stay on the premises because I don't have a car, so I can't get to the tip. I'm confident that even if DP noticed his missing treasures, he wouldn't go rifling through the outside bin for them.

I can dump some stuff in the park bin, but a 20kg power bag might be a bit challenging to do an Andy Dufresne number with.

OP posts:
jhy · 25/10/2023 15:37

Just bin it!
I'm one of these people who keep broken things, knowing full well I'll never do anything with and now my DS is the same so it's x2 junk loads. It's not sentimental/MH it is more of a guilt/wanting to not waste but ultimately it's just clogging up my house. I'd be relieved if my DP took it upon himself to clear it all out instead of me.

Thelittleweasel · 25/10/2023 15:23

@LittleRayTheCat

If you dispose of it make sure it is off the premises. I dealt with a DF hoarding and if it were left in the garden rather than taken to tip they would retrieve it and conceal indoors!