Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does he keep doing it

39 replies

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 15:40

I've caught my partner for the third time looking at women online. The first time, it was provocative videos of Asian women. The second time, it was women pleasuring themselves, and this time its women doing yoga in their underwear. After last time, I specifically said that I don't like it and it makes me feel terrible, I said if you do it again, it's over. I caught him again last night. He's got pictures and videos of me, so why is he doing it knowing I've set boundaries:( Like, I'm not good enough or something!? Of course, he is declaring his love for me and has no idea why he's doing it. We don't have regular sex because our lives are just hectic, but that isn't my fault. Is this as bad as cheating? Am I being unreasonable to be so angry and kick him out? I feel utterly heartbroken that he has so little respect for me.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
nfkl · 22/10/2023 16:41

It s not necessarily the sexual watching I worry for (it s far from being a porn addiction)
It s the weakness when he tells you he won t do it again

For the sexual bit, it s not necessarily a dealbreaker and it s definitely not against you. Most men can adore one woman and still get temporarily captivated by naked bits of other people (especially if they don t get any from their one).

Women should stop caring this much and make such a drama out of it (it s really the worst way to handle this, total emasculation) but women should be strong enough that have this under control without crying wolf.

And the way so many women set up these confrontations from a position of low self-esteem (all that drama, the feeling of personal offence, etc.) -> it s like the worst enticing way for a man to stop.

Your man's sexual attention is not focussed on you?
Re-focus it on you, go spank him in a dominatrix costume until he cries for mercy or any other kink, that ll give him enough to think without an internet browser. That will be a lot more fun to go through than all these scenes and the wailing and the drama, and, truly, it has a lot more chances to work.

And if he still misbehaves, then you kick him out the curb, without letting it even reach your self-esteem.

Being sexy is not a matter of being beautiful, it s a matter of enjoying sex without shame.

I can t understand women want to be long term with men and still not accept sex as being a big part of the attraction equation.

saddosam · 22/10/2023 16:35

You know what, personally I think it's bonkers to split up a family over this. But you have your boundaries and you've stuck to them so fair play to you. Hopefully you can both find people that you are more compatible with.

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:43

tuvamoodyson · 22/10/2023 15:27

…which hopefully he hasn’t shared with his friends

Show quote history

Definitely not. I trust him with those. But who knows, I thought I could trust him before... I was wrong about that

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 22/10/2023 15:27

MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

…which hopefully he hasn’t shared with his friends

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:15

TigerQueenie · 22/10/2023 12:00

Well you said if he does it again its over. So there's no dilemma is there? You end it and move on, find someone with the same boundaries as you.

Exactly what I will be doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 22/10/2023 15:06

saddosam · 22/10/2023 11:23

I don't think this has anything to do with op worrying about misogyny. She just seems deeply jealous and insecure about her dh looking at other women. She's fine with the concept of porn but only if it's featuring her.

Show quote history

Yes, I am jealous that he wants to watch other women and fantasise about fucking them. But now he's free to do so. He chose porn over his family. That's where his priorities are. He had multiple chances, and we simply weren't important enough. Now he can go home to his dirty videos, I'm not sure they can cook his food, wash his clothes, and clean the home, though. Oh well

OP posts:
TigerQueenie · 22/10/2023 12:00

Well you said if he does it again its over. So there's no dilemma is there? You end it and move on, find someone with the same boundaries as you.

Hipnotised · 22/10/2023 11:57

I said if you do it again, it's over

Either this ^^ or it isn't and he'll do it again.

topshotta · 22/10/2023 11:42

Omg these replies are mental!! Yanbu i wouldn't put up with that either🤢 Wouldn't be able to live with it so would have to leave him tbh

saddosam · 22/10/2023 11:23

Sapphire387 · 22/10/2023 09:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who doesn't look at porn. Most porn online these days is deeply misogynistic, for starters.

You gave him the ultimatum - he hasn't stopped, so if I were you, I would break up. Clearly he is not going to stop.

I don't think this has anything to do with op worrying about misogyny. She just seems deeply jealous and insecure about her dh looking at other women. She's fine with the concept of porn but only if it's featuring her.

Sapphire387 · 22/10/2023 09:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner who doesn't look at porn. Most porn online these days is deeply misogynistic, for starters.

You gave him the ultimatum - he hasn't stopped, so if I were you, I would break up. Clearly he is not going to stop.

throughgrittedteeth · 22/10/2023 09:30

Yes you are controlling him sexually.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 23:40

Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:24

So I'm controlling his sexuality because I've expressed that I don't want him being a sleeze by jerking off to random women on the Internet? When he's got plenty of stuff of mine to do that to? You obviously don't get why I'm hurt. If my pictures and videos satisfied him enough, he wouldn't feel the need to watch random people on the Internet. Clearly, he's not getting the same satisfaction from my videos as he is random women.

Show quote history

I understand why you are hurt. We all get those insecurities. He's chosen to be with you but that doesn't stop him finding others attractive. Personally I think this is unhealthy but it doesn't matter what I think- your feelings are perfectly valid. If he could do what you want it would be fine.

He clearly can't. Coming up with moral justifications for why he should is irrelevant- if you carry on trying to force him to only wank to porn you made the marriage is over. It doesn't matter who is right.

Option 1- stop trying to control him, talk about how you both feel and put lots of energy into a healthier sex slife.

Option 2- split up.

Siameasy · 21/10/2023 23:32

Breaking up a family over your hurt feelings is selfish (presumably by family you mean there are kids involved) and dramatic He’s a man. You’re not shagging him so he’s gonna sort himself out. He’s a normal man. Just have sex with him ffs.

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:32

MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

I already did.

OP posts:
saddosam · 21/10/2023 23:28

You literally are controlling him sexually yes. You're telling him he can wank but only to material that features you in it!!

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:24

donquixotedelamancha · 21/10/2023 23:00

Not doing as he's told is not the same as not respecting you.

You can have whatever boundaries you want but when yours extend to controlling his sexuality and he has no sex life he's not a creep for disobeying you.

You've said you hate him at the moment. It's obvious he can't meet your demands (I wouldn't be able to either). Just split up and stop making each other miserable.

Show quote history

So I'm controlling his sexuality because I've expressed that I don't want him being a sleeze by jerking off to random women on the Internet? When he's got plenty of stuff of mine to do that to? You obviously don't get why I'm hurt. If my pictures and videos satisfied him enough, he wouldn't feel the need to watch random people on the Internet. Clearly, he's not getting the same satisfaction from my videos as he is random women.

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 21/10/2023 23:23

If you are going to break up with him may I suggest you delete all the materiel you have sent to his phone.

saddosam · 21/10/2023 23:23

He does it because his selfish needs trump your feelings and boundaries. It's really that simple.

However I wouldn't be getting that worked up over it personally. It isn't the same as cheating. If a woman came here and said her dh had banned her from masturbating then they'd be called controlling and worse.

You have the right to have boundaries but he has the right to autonomy over his body!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2023 23:19

You are being really controlling. Unless the yoga women had been filmed covertly, I could get upset about it.

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:16

Cosycover · 21/10/2023 22:50

How did you catch him?

I think you need to get a grip tbh. Most men watch porn and look at videos and photos online. Alot of women do too. Frankly it's none of your business.

If I'm not happy with him watching porn then as a couple, we can discuss that, which we have, to which he has said he doesn't like porn, he could have said I watch porn, and we could have discussed that but he lied. I trusted him, and he broke my trust

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 21/10/2023 23:15

So, are you saying OP,that you don't mind him looking at soft porn - just as long as you are the star of the show?

I'm not being sarcastic - just asking, because if that is what you're saying, I can understand why he would perhaps consider what he's doing as pushing the boundaries as opposed to crossing a line.

Original poster
Intriguinglylovely · 21/10/2023 23:04

CaroleSinger · 21/10/2023 22:11

I'm a little conflicted here. You don't have sex but he isn't allowed to so much as look at a video? Maybe your boundaries are a bit too unrealistic. No man who isn't getting an active sex life can be expected to never ever so much as look at a picture or a video. It's just not going to happen.

Edited

My boundaries are valid, even if they are unreasonable to others. He isn't forced to stay with me. He could have left if it was an issue, yet he decided to stay and completely disregard my boundaries and disrespect me in the process. It is betrayal. Let's be clear, he isn't watching man and woman. He's specifically looking up women that are pleasuring themselves. I have sent him several things for him to look at, but I guess I'm not good enough to satisfy his needs?

OP posts:
stayathomer · 21/10/2023 23:03

I disagree with people calling him a creep because of that, but agree that you told him how it made you feel. You both need to talk it over. Personally it would absolutely not be a deal breaker for me, but we’re all different. Best of luck op

muddlingthrou · 21/10/2023 23:01

Sorry whaaaat? Watching porn is not cheating. It's 100% natural. Masturbating is no reflection on his attraction to you. Work on your self esteem and leave him be. This is not a betrayal.