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AIBU?

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Original poster

People not saying "please"

83 replies

amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:27

AIBU to think people should say please when asking for something?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I find it grating when someone asks for something and don't say please.

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

It also happens at work. People send me things like "Article below for feedback".

I must sound like a such a bore but AIBU? Would you say please in these circumstances and would be be annoyed if someone didn't?

OP posts:
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ACGTHelix · 23/10/2023 22:54

its rude, and the people i know i do try to correct that behaviour

BaconAndAvocado · 23/10/2023 22:44

YANBU

TeeedleDum · 23/10/2023 22:41

Hmmm this might just be me but I always think saying please when asking for something makes is sound like a foregone conclusion that the person will do it.

So for instance I would say to my husband...

'can I have a tea too please?' - as I assume he'll say yes

But if I'm genuinely asking something like...

'would you mind if we met at my house?'

I would not say please but would say thank you if they said yes.

I'm not sure why I feel like that 🤔

BrideToBe2313123 · 23/10/2023 22:38

The first one is definitely rude - but the second isn't.

MummyFriend · 23/10/2023 22:30

I kid you not, I actually contacted the BBC about this, when my DCs were young and they watched CBeebies. I remember on one programme in particular there were around twenty times people were asked to do something and not once was the word please uttered! I think my youngest was newborn and I was sleep deprived, but it drove me nuts. What a terrible example to set our little ones! If you ever watch CBeebies even now it still happens a lot.

crackerstuc · 23/10/2023 15:15

If it's a genuine question then the please sounds rude to me.
First you have to establish whether the thing you are asking is possible, and then ask the favour. Putting the please straight away is a bit presumptuous if you ask me.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/10/2023 11:37

@PriOn1 The second, I don’t understand. How does “article below for feedback” require a please? Because the person is asking you to spend time and effort on giving feedback, which in English culture requires a "please".

Even if it were the other way round, and the attached article was giving feedback, the message needs to be softened a little "you may be interested in the attached feedback". Abrupt messages with no please or thank you is the way we indicate displeasure.

Original poster
amiboverd · 23/10/2023 10:48

@novalia89 i have found this too worth Marketplace but if you're giving away something for free then I think I'd reply to the person who was polite too!

@Potofteaplease I do see what you mean

OP posts:
Potofteaplease · 23/10/2023 10:23

I think that the word “please” is sometimes more autocratic that other phrases. For example “ please action this today” sounds more dictatorial than “would you be able to action this today? Thanks!”

novalia89 · 22/10/2023 21:56

NBU. I gave something away for free on Facebook and was surprised by the rudeness. One message just said ‘location’ not even hi or please? I replied manners! And then we had a bit of an arguement and I said I wouldn’t give it to her. I said that for another item. The person I did give it to was polite AND gave me some chocolate as a thanks :)

Knitgoodwoman · 22/10/2023 21:35

The lack of please drives me potty in America! I couldn’t believe it when I was first in a Starbucks.
The ‘can I get a flat white’. End of sentence.
No please. Sounds so rude!
I lived there for a year and no one ever says please, I guess that’s culturally acceptable so not rude, and maybe I sounded crazy with my ‘please May I have’ but I couldn’t ditch my pleases!

BowlOfNoodles · 22/10/2023 21:31

You ain't wrong! I've done lots of free to collectors and the lack of thank you really sours the gesture.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/10/2023 18:30

I would say please. I would be annoyed if someone acted like they were giving me orders, but not so much by their omitting the word: indeed, some people can say please, and still sound as though they're giving orders ('Will you PLEEEAASE do X?!')

Elodie09 · 22/10/2023 18:27

Good manners cost nothing and how easy it is to say please and thank you.
It isn't going to change the world but how nice it is when you hear
children and adults being polite and well mannered. A little boy pulled over on his cycle the other day to let me pass, I said thank you very much and he said you are welcome. Bless him, it took seconds to say this.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 22/10/2023 18:24

Or thank you. Four times this week, I held the door for people. Of these four times, two were for groups of six or more. In only one case did ANYONE say thank you, and that was a very young child who I'd imagine was no older than six (and I assume learned that manner in school, as opposed to from the rude people she was with). I am honestly getting to the point where I won't bother anymore ffs.

So no. I feel YANBU.

Coastalwalks · 22/10/2023 18:23

YANBU OP it drives me mad..... manners cost precisely nothing !!!!

StrawberrySquash · 22/10/2023 18:19

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

Here I would feel rude saying please as it would feel like a command. Whereas really it's a genuine question.

mrsDracoMalfoy · 22/10/2023 18:15

Abitofalark · 20/10/2023 13:01

In shops it has changed a lot. When staff say 'five pounds fifty', it feels as if there's something missing. There's a space where 'please' should be. When they ask me if I want a bag, I say 'No, thank you', or a receipt 'Yes, please.' It would be blunt and would feel rude to say just 'No' or 'Yes'. When they give you your change, in most cases they don't say how much they are giving you, which used to be standard. And at the end of the transaction when you say 'Thank you', they don't. Sometimes they do say 'You're welcome' but the concept of thanking you for your custom or signing off with a polite expression of general thanks on completion of the transaction has been lost.

Totally agree. I always say the amount followed by please. I hate bad manners.

mrsDracoMalfoy · 22/10/2023 18:13

I was serving at work once. Served this young girl about 15/16. She was in school uniform. I said "would you like a bag?" She grunted "yea!" I said "sorry?!" She again grunted "yea" I said "yes please you mean"

Thought they were taught manners at school and i dont care if she thinks I'm a bitch.

A manager asks me to do something for them I need to hear a please coz there is one that doesn't say it unless told.

FizzyStream · 22/10/2023 18:08

This is a massive bugbear of mine. I had a manager who always used to say "could you just do xyz........". No please or thank you and it drove me insane but I was only 18 years old so didn't dare say anything.

I'm extremely pedantic about ensuring my kids say please and thank you all the time in my hearing and I get really good feedback from other people saying how polite they are but in my opinion it shouldn't be an unusual event needing commenting on! However, I do appreciate the praise and it helps to know they still do it even when I'm not about.

JamSandle · 22/10/2023 18:04

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:52

@amiboverd Also - neurodiversity is just one of many reasons someone might behave differently to the way you would expect them to. I'm not sure why you just picked that out of my post. Some cultures don't even have a word for please and don't put as much emphasis on it. Some people had different backgrounds/ upbringings/ expectations. Some people just think a bit differently to you.

I just think it's completely pointless to project your own (ultimately fairly random) cultural expectations onto other people.

Just accept people as they are unless they are actually being rude to you.

Is it? When we travel to other places we are told to adopt a 'When in Rome' attitude.

Original poster
amiboverd · 22/10/2023 18:04

@theduchessofspork if I revived your example wording I would think it needed a please

agree @Puzzledandpissedoff

OP posts:
Original poster
amiboverd · 22/10/2023 18:02

@MidnightOnceMore Sometimes neurodiversity is a real reason for certain behaviours but sometimes it's raised when it might not even be relevant. If I complained about a particular person being bad manners and then someone told me they were ND then that's one thing but this is a situation about people none of you know so why assume they're ND. It doesn't make sense. They could be but it's just as likely (or more) that they're not.

I'm neurodivergent by the way so I find it offensive that ND is used as an "excuse" for bad behaviour.

It's possible this bothers me because I'm ND but I wasn't going to bring that into it.

Interesting some of you think I'm ignorant. None of us know what others are dealing with.

@Defaultsettings I agree general tone is important but I'm talking about situations where the general tone does not help.

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salsmum · 22/10/2023 18:02

I've noticed that even kids in adverts/tv very rarely say please and Thank you too when receiving something from an adult etc..

Islandgirl68 · 22/10/2023 16:25

Yanbu, it is just basic manners to say please and thank you.