Good banter or inappropriate behaviour?

Ask your H if you had a plumber working at your house, if you were messaging about wet patches, dry/wet holes/ flushing your pipes, etc. would he be happy with that. my guess is no. Leave him now it won't get better.

Yanbu. That is the kind of language people use when they are shagging. If they ain't shagging now, they will be soon

So funny these men suddenly want an open marriage shortly after they develop a friendship with another woman isn't it 🤔 very cliché. Divorce is the only option I see here.

This. He has no intention of fixing your marriage and has one foot out of the door already. There wouldn't be anywhere else to go for me in this situation. She's a fucking horrible selfish bitch too, but she's not your problem - he is.

@Liusinda, your H’s message exchange with this OW is beyond the pale. He is making an utter mockery of you and your marriage.

He is actually creating more distance between you. He can’t “rebuild trust/intimacy/connection” while engaging in sex-talk with other women. He wants to pursue thrills elsewhere, and his filthy chat with OW is part of that agenda. He enjoyed goading you about her attraction to him.

He’s disgusting, non-monogamous, and a terrible role model for the children. I’d divorce him and leave him and OW to their dirty wet hole talk.

The messages I would roll my eyes at, think are inappropriate and would expect DH to shut it down, but wouldn't read into it more than that unless I had other reasons to be concerned about the friendship.

However this:
‘he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then
tips the balance to me into grim and disrespectful. He's clearly encouraging her and enjoying the ego boost, and is trying to get a reaction from you.

He's trying to get two women doing the pick me dance, which is arsehole behaviour.

You don’t believe he “can’t see why” surely. He doesn’t think it is innocent, he is just trying to make you feel stupid.

Sorry to add, mine went on to cheat also when I wouldn’t open the marriage up. Gaslit me with how men aren’t built for being with one woman sexually etc. Based on what you’ve written I’m worried you’re going to experience similar

I guarantee him wanting to stay together for the kids is not his main driver - I am going to take a leap that opening up the marriage and keeping things the same at home will work wonderfully in his favour - assume you do the majority of the cooking, cleaning & generally keep the house running?

My ex husband tried the same with me, he dressed it up in the same way yours is & really laboured the fact he was being honest with me and I should be grateful for that.

It may be honest but it doesn’t sound respectful or loving.

I left & have never been happier. I assume he’s now doing whatever he wants sexually & I really don’t care, I no longer have to carry the resentment of being with someone who I carry at home whilst feeling disregarded, disrespected and abused.

So he wants a nice little wifey at home and sleep around with other women.

He sounds immature, disrespectful and a dickhead

I wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Does open marriage to him mean he shags around, while expecting that you will be sitting at home waiting for him?

In a couple of years, your children will be at an easier age. Doe he not realise you need to weather this together? He doesn't sound like he has much about him. The most interesting thing he's got to offer is that he wants to have sex? Brilliant, what a catch!

I have banter with my best friend husband and sometimes it’s dirty but more like lads talking to lads dirty not flirting.

I wouldn’t like this, it’s flirty and emotional cheating in my book.

Disrespectful and inappropriate.

Given your updates and since he doesnt want to be a husband anymore, but cannot be arsed to divorce, id also assume the ‘honesty’ is his way of getting you to divorce him. The poor man who was doing a favour for a helpless woman and your jealously destroyed your healthy marriage…

It'd be "banter" if it was between you and him.

Between your DH and a colleague, it's so far beyond the realms of appropriate, it's unbelievable.

Get ducks in a row ie speak to solicitor to see how money would be shared out,who would live where.
He has a bed waiting for him with ‘friend’ -you need to be the one calling the shots.
Once you know what’s what is the time to discuss divorce. Not make vague threats he won’t believe. If he sees that the dire ‘friend’ is his future he might change his tune.

Totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. He’s a tool if he thinks ‘opening up your marriage ‘ ( Aka so he can shag other women) is a good idea. If you were ok with it then that’s different but it’s obvious that you are not. It would eventually destroy your marriage. And it’s already on rocky ground as it is.
If the boot was on the other foot how would he feel if you were exchanging flirty banter with another man?

‘he told me that if he had made a move that day, she’d have slept with him there and then.’

What a cuntwaffle.

He sounds disgusting and disrespectful. Tell him he’s not billy big bollocks and to pipe down.

I like a bit of flirty banter but I'd just feel weird doing it with someone in a relationship. This is inappropriate.

Of course he can’t ’see why’….!?

If he ’saw why’, he’d have to stop, and he doesn’t want to.

Just leave the loser to it.

So, so grim.

I think you are under reacting! I would go batshit if my DH was doing shite like this and he would be exactly the same if I was. It’s rude, disrespectful, seedy, shit behaviour. I am definitely not a “cool wife” and I would be telling him how much he had hurt my feelings and how disrespected I felt, as well as how pathetic I thought he was for being so desperate for an ego boost (“dirty hole”? Pair of rancid asshats) I would also tell him if he wanted to continue with this “banter” he could fuck off out of my life. Hard no for me.

Totally inappropriate. And disrespectful to you and your marriage.