Shift work

I don't tend to spend much time with my male colleagues and their families to be honest. Lots of men I work with though say about one of the highlights of being on nights being that you can get back for school run, be home for school pick up having had a decent chunk of sleep etc so presumably they help around the house like adults should.

@WhatWouldHopperDo Mine doesn't do anything domestic, apart from cook his dinner and tidy up after himself, he wouldn't know one end of the hoover from the other.
Hence I do it all on my days off and not when working.
Just the same as I did when the kids were little.

My DH has not long started a new job with night shifts - he is doing more round the house now than he did working 9-5. In fact I finish work at 5 (wfh) go downstairs and there isn't much for me to do.

The only exception is cooking, meal prep and food shopping. Otherwise he is doing a little bit every day when he gets in before he goes to bed.

@Pumpkinspicelattetime when the kids were little, he was more than capable of seeing to their needs three days a week, just as I were seeing to their needs the other four.
So in essence, I still saw to them more than he did.
Quite how that is abdicating my responsibilities I have no idea.

About how you don't have young kids anymore and aren't abdicating responsibility for them for half the week like OPs husband? Yep, read that.

@Pumpkinspicelattetime Did you read my further post?

As a day shift worker, I do all of that domestic stuff after work. The OPs husband doesn't, he just goes straight to bed. It's not fair to contribute zero to the running of the house. Perhaps he should stay up when he gets in and do some of the domestic labour. Nobody gets home from work at 7pm and is in bed for 7.30pm after all.

I get 6-8hrs sleep and work 9-5 which also has to factor in night waking from my toddler so not actually solid sleep. So I'd say it was reasonable to allow 8hrs of sleep for a shift worker use white noise, black out curtains, disconnect doorbell, delivery drop box etc everything you can think of to allow for solid sleep, I used to live with a nurse on night shift and she'd always put up a do not disturb sign on door

So even if he did 12hr shift and had an hrs commute each way 14hrs, 8hrs sleep allow 30mins for shower that's 1.5hrs left so enough to put a load of laundry on, prep dinner, unload dishwasher etc

Assume he worked 12hr shift it would then mean more days off and so yes I'd expect alot on those days.

Your raising a family and running a home, financial contribution is not the end of his involvement and if he thinks it is I'd be slapping him in the face with a dose of reality.

@Coffeerum You think it's ridiculous that for three days a week all he has to do is make his own dinner?
Or, when the kids were at home, make their dinner too for those three days?
Wow.

This is ridiculous, I’m surprised you have a partner who is happy with that.
Your day might be their night but I can guarantee 10 hrs of sleep is going to be a lot more than they are getting!

@Unithorn Do you also work with many men who do nothing domestic / childcare when their wives aren't at work? Such as weekends for example.

@Unithorn Yes, he works full time, he always has done.

Did he work? If so then wow, lucky man! I don't work with any men or women with young children who just leave it all to their partners between night shifts.

@Unithorn I did the same shifts when the children were young ( from them being born ) exactly the same applied.
The only difference is that my husband saw to the kids while I was sleeping.

Presumably if you have grandchildren you don't have young dependent children at home? That's different than the OPs DH isn't it. If you live with a spouse or partner then they're presumably a capable human being and can look after themselves for a few days, again that's different from small children. When your children were young did you work the same shifts and have the same routine between nights?

Yes I do.
Let me give you a quick summary of the week.
I work four, ten hour nightshifts per week.
Let's say for example, my run of nights that week start on the Monday night.
So, Monday. I get all the housework and laundry done. This includes cleaning the bathrooms, bedrooms, mopping the floors, hoovering throughout, taking delivery of the shopping, any household admin that may need doing, and any other jobs.
Cook dinner, have a shower, go to work.
Tuesday, sleep.
Weds, sleep,
Thurs, sleep.
Friday. Have a sleep till around 2, get up, strip / change the bed, do any household admin, tidy up, have a shower, make dinner.
Saturday, do the housework, including laundry, any odd jobs that might need doing, such as mowing the lawns, washing my car, cleaning the windows if the weather permits. Cook dinner. Babysit the grandkids if needed.
Sunday, as Saturday, but with the addition of visiting my elderly parents.
I also do all the decorating when needed.
But hey, feel free to accuse this sixty one year old of shirking her responsibilities.

Do you have a partner and children? I used to do nothing between night shifts except for exercise, sleep and watch some TV but as a grown up now with responsibilities I don't expect DH to do absolutely everything just as I don't expect him to on the days he works. I don't know anyone who works days who sleeps as soon as they finish work and until they start work without doing anything useful in between.

I'm the women working 12 hour shifts,mixture of days and night. I sleep horrendous after nights normally usually 4 max 5 hours. I'm not sure many people
Could have that on a night get up go to work and function to the point of all the housework. But I get up, pick DS up from school, make his tea make our tea and get him in the bath and ready for bed for DH getting home. Some days that's all I accomplish and tend to do house work on my days off. My DH works 50+ hour weeks but if I'm on shift at the weekend etc he will do the washing/have tea ready when I'm home and he always every night does the pots after tea. It works for us

Completely agree @Jumpleaprun
People have worked nightshifts for as long as people have gone out to work for others, and of course that doesn't absolve them from pulling their weight at home too.

@Jumpleaprun It's not about the time, I don't want to, therefore I refuse to.
Why would I do the grocery shop on my way home after a nightshift when I can order it online to be delivered on my day off for example?

What sort of Tom fuckery is this to not expect a shift worker to not help out? I work as a nurse doing shift work and I am doing my laundry before a night shift, meal prep for myself and DH on my time before an afternoon shift, grabbing grocery’s at 7:30am on my way home before sleeping. Fair enough you might not be doing stuff at the usual times people do chores IE sat and Sunday says but you bloody well have time. Anyone who says otherwise is completely delusional

I think some of it depends on the length of the shift and the commute…

I work 12 hour nights, with a 45 minute commute each way. By the time I’ve changed into/out of uniform at the start and end of my shift I’m out of the house for around 14 hours a day. I do literally nothing on my run of nights.

Day time sleep is not like night time sleep. It’s lighter, even with blackout curtains. You’re disturbed by the neighbours, cars, postman, deliveries, I live near a school so the kids can usually be heard at play time. I am exhausted at the end of my run of nights. Shift work has been shown to take years off your life!

if he pulls his weight when not at work I’d cut him some slack. If he doesn’t, his night shifts are not the problem!

We both do both nights and days.

Same hours day shift is just not comparable to nights I’m afraid. Nor is the same number of hours spent asleep. I can instantly tell from the above posts who has never worked nights.

Unfortunately though we both still have to do household stuff - the night shift person does a lot less, in recognition of the very very different quality of sleep and the terrible effects night shift has on our brains and bodies.

Despite that, a one off like the OP shouldn’t result in moaning and carrying on.

I do my part on my days off.
When I'm working, nope, not going to happen between me waking and returning to work that night.

So just because you are in nights you don’t do anything? That’s ridiculous. Why should someone who works days not say the same? But no they get up at 7pm, get the breakfasts, tidy, kids to school, work a full day, get home, get tea, tidy up, clean, washing etc kids to extra clubs etc and with luck bed by 11. So they do a lot and you do sod all