Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped by old man

188 replies

Unsurehowtofeel · 18/10/2023 13:47

It's a strange one.

I was returning something in a supermarket today and as I walked in the alarms beeped. I was the only one walking in or out at the time so i knew it was me, but thought nothing of it and carried on to the customer service desk because A) I was walking in, not out and B) I didn't see or hear any security stopping me.

It's one of those supermarkets with automatic doors and a meter or so in is some electronic gates to enter the shop or to the left is open access for leaving. Customer service is also to the left.

Anyway, as I was making my way to customer services (walking against the traffic of people walking out) an old man and his wife blocked my way. I was confused. The man then held my trolly and started trying to turn it around towards a colleague stood behind on the other side of the doors (not customer services side) who in retrospect I think had tried to get my attention.

I have some social anxiety and at the time I was panicy thinking how can he (security) think I'm stealing when I'm walking in.

All security was asking in the end was whether the tag was still on it because he could remove it there for me.

Now I'm left feeling somewhat strange. The way an old man thought he could stop me from entering the shop and just his entitlement. Its made me feel all weird and icky. I dont know if it's because I didn't stick up for myself when I feel like I should have or whether it's because of his entitlement.

Just here to get it off my chest really 😂and any advice welcome for how to deal with men like that next time.

OP posts:
Webex · 19/10/2023 09:51

Why is someone's sex more neutral and relevant than their age?

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 19/10/2023 09:49

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 19/10/2023 09:06

"a man"
"a woman"
= Neutral, non judgemental language.
"An elderly man"
=Polite and non judgemental factual way of describing someone's age when age is relevant. Which man stopped you, OP? The elderly one over there, or the younger one over here?
"An old man" (repeated several times when completely irrelevant to the anecdote= ageist, judgemental and goady)

Language matters.

A woman blocked my trolley= fact
A fat woman blocked my trolley= offensive, irrelevant, judgemental
A black woman blocked my trolley...
An old woman blocked my trolley..

If that's too hard to understand, try describing your own children.

"X's daughter"
X's fat daughter"
X's thick daughter"
X's ugly daughter"

Which of these may be true, but are neutral and which are fucking offensive and irrelevant?

Show quote history

To be fair these days you can't say man or woman so just say human to be on the safe side.

florafaun · 19/10/2023 09:48

Somethingsnappy · 18/10/2023 13:59

I read this and just knew people would pounce on the age thing. It is relevant, because as a pp said, it may affect the context. A young man physically stopping you may cause a different reaction to an old man, who may seem like less of a threat. The op is asking if they are being unreasonable, so these things add details that may be needed.

Quite.

It's unfair to people posting for advice and support. Very badly done and unwelcoming, and it's happening too often. Answer the question in the OP first then query whether it was necessary to mention approximate age.

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 19/10/2023 09:48

The drama about saying he is an old man.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/10/2023 09:42

He’s doing exactly what our esteemed Government is telling us all to do. You missed the memo.

(What’s his age got to do with anything?)

SunnieShine · 19/10/2023 09:40

Not sure why you felt the need to mention his age.

florafaun · 19/10/2023 09:15

An over the top response and silly thread derailment from @BUWI I think

Possibly relevant to the scene in the OP to mention age, whether young or old, as they were using physicality and minimal force.

I agree with those saying that it was inappropriate of the man to physically take hold of your trolley in that way and move it. Completely unnecessary, and a repeated word would have sufficed @Unsurehowtofeel

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 19/10/2023 09:06

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 18/10/2023 21:26

@BIWI so should we not describe anybody and just say - A Human.

"a man"
"a woman"
= Neutral, non judgemental language.
"An elderly man"
=Polite and non judgemental factual way of describing someone's age when age is relevant. Which man stopped you, OP? The elderly one over there, or the younger one over here?
"An old man" (repeated several times when completely irrelevant to the anecdote= ageist, judgemental and goady)

Language matters.

A woman blocked my trolley= fact
A fat woman blocked my trolley= offensive, irrelevant, judgemental
A black woman blocked my trolley...
An old woman blocked my trolley..

If that's too hard to understand, try describing your own children.

"X's daughter"
X's fat daughter"
X's thick daughter"
X's ugly daughter"

Which of these may be true, but are neutral and which are fucking offensive and irrelevant?

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 18/10/2023 21:26

@BIWI so should we not describe anybody and just say - A Human.

H34th · 18/10/2023 21:13

I watched one too many videos on TikTok where people film themselves doing inappropriate things (incl stealing) while the public is just watching on the side quietly.

I do think he's probably of the last generation of 'busybodies' who feel some social responsibility to be involved. He misjudged the situation, and could've went about it in a better way, but clearly had good intentions (for the society he's part of if not for the individual Op).

InSpainTheRain · 18/10/2023 20:52

Just side step and ignore, if they persist a rage "get lost" works well if you say it either enough attitude.

Snugglemonkey · 18/10/2023 20:18

plumtreebroke · 18/10/2023 14:11

He just realised you hadn't seen security wanted you to stop so was pointing it out. Nothing too sinister.

He could do that with words.

jlpth · 18/10/2023 20:06

Arrogant and controlling of him to have blocked your way and physically held your trolley. Bet he wouldn’t have done it to a strapping man.

on the other hand, didn’t some foolish member of the government say that the public should stop shoplifters recently?

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 18/10/2023 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

boredfuckinsenseless · 18/10/2023 19:52

curtaintwitcher78 · 18/10/2023 13:53

Not to me. I'm having a whale of a time picturing his moustache and his lil trousers ticked into his lil boots.

I saw this at lunchtime, I envisaged Foggy. from Last of the Summer Wine. 😂

Zoreos · 18/10/2023 19:49

This was a very strange invasion of privacy from the man which would make anyone with any level of anxiety feel at least uncomfortable because it’s not normal behaviour for people to act like that. With regards to the age I’m assuming the reason why you mentioned his age may be this but OP correct me if I’m wrong. When we feel threatened in this case due to people acting oddly, our brains often goes into flight mode as it would be if we sensed we were under attack. You couldn’t have comprehended in that moment what the man was going to do to you because his actions were so abnormal. When we feel like we are in danger the brain only tends to use the information it needs to in order to get us out of the situation and remember the culprit. (People of all ages commit crimes. Luckily, this man was just being a busybody thinking he was being helpful). This includes remembering any identifying information about that person. Age, ethnicity and stature are all basic examples of these. Saying the man is old is NOT ageist, it’s descriptive and everyone shouting ageism needs to sit down and take the day off. If the OP walked past the older gentleman and made a rude or biased comment based purely because of his age then THAT is ageism. Can people stop trotting out the racism/ageism/whatever-ism card without understanding what it actually means? It doesn’t make you a wonderful person for righting social wrongs it just makes you look cringeworthy and not very bright. Hope you’re okay OP.

Illbebythesea · 18/10/2023 19:32

Ageist 🤣🤣🤣🤣 fucking hell… you can’t even describe a person without being ‘ist’ now!! Old, black, white, brown who gives a shit… I think everyone making it A THING are the problem!!

OP you need to be more assertive! It was none of his business if the alarm went off, you should have said something but you didn’t… it was him not you. Don’t worry…

Robotalkingrubbish · 18/10/2023 19:31

I’m an old woman and my DH is an old man. We don’t need anyone stepping up and taking offence on our behalf.

HazardLights · 18/10/2023 19:22

Namechange1345677 · 18/10/2023 19:09

Get over yourself...

Anyone in particular? Or just screaming into the void? 😀

Namechange1345677 · 18/10/2023 19:09

Get over yourself...

0ElectronBlue0 · 18/10/2023 19:08

Somanycats · 18/10/2023 18:36

How the hell do you manage to leave the house? An old man tried to direct your attention to security who you had ignored and what? You're frightened traumatized anxious. You need help. Badly. Start challenging yourself every day to do something that is difficult for you. You are not precious or special. People are entitled to get in your way, talk to you, shout at you even and you need to change your reaction.

You sound nice 😀

Mamma2017 · 18/10/2023 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I know this is madness! “Horribly ageist!?” Perpetually offended or virtue signalling gone wrong!

Mamma2017 · 18/10/2023 19:03

toomuchfaff · 18/10/2023 17:05

I think age is relevant, old men tend to have been brought up in the era where people DID intervene, right or wrong, and that's why he did... public service and all that. Before the time you got slapped and stabbed for stepping in others business...

Exactly. There is a potentially a generational element. Also like a pp said if it had been a young lad grabbing your trolley there is more of a threat involved. The age was totally relevant in this story.

Guesswho88 · 18/10/2023 19:01

I think I would have held my trolley firm and given him a look of incredulity 😄and see what happened after that.

Mamma2017 · 18/10/2023 18:59

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:49

I assume it was a mistake as there was nothing vaguely objectionable in my post.

There is nothing ageist in the OP, and anyone who thinks there is does not understand the word ageism.

Show quote history

Agreed. She was describing her experience.

Swipe left for the next trending thread