To not see the difference between saving and inheritance?

I think what ever is happening with money and spending must filter through to a difference in attitude to life , day to day functioning and independence. This is what he is struggling with not the money really. I'm not sure you are compatible long term as you have different values and expectations
Agree with this. It must factor into overall outlook and values.

I'd be concerned about a spouse having an attitude of spend spend spend because some more money will be passed my way, and approaching life based on what financial gifts they am anticipating in future. I'd really struggle to be in a relationship with someone whose default position in finances is to burn through investments rather than save some of their salary because they'd rather take an easy route. It's not an attitude I'd find attractive.

Adding in them thinking lying by omission doesn't count too, I'd spend most of the relationship thinking that my spouse's prioritises a spending obsession over honesty in our marriage.

What you are doing wrong is telling him with your behaviour that he cannot trust you to keep to your word. You can't be a team without trust.

I do agree with this in some ways.

But I suppose wherever the money came from, the point is that your husband has sacrificed something in order to save and hasn't just pulled it out of savings. He's kept the savings for you both.

Seeing as you were happy to pool savings, he could have gone down the easy road of agreeing to that and saying let's just take the holiday money from savings. But he didn't. He saved money that he's earned, that he would usually spend, so that more can stay in the savings.

That is to do with his attitude to money - but surely you can see the good in that, and how he is trying to benefit your relationship by saving. It might not be necessary, but it comes from a good place.

If you've pulled your share out of savings then you haven't really done anything positive for your relationship or sacrificed anything.

There's an imbalance because he has sacrificed to save but you haven't. I can see why that would bother him, especialy as you are married and all money is technically joint and will ultimately benefit both of you, whether or not the accounts have both your names on them.

Sounds like he's quite resentful of your attitude towards your inheritance/trust fund, but if you knew you were going to receive this amount and didn't have it ear marked for something, else then you have 'saved for it' just not in the conventional way.

From your dh pov, if he's a saver then he'll find your attitude towards money frustrating, the same way I think you are be about his attitude (you wouldn't be posting otherwise), I think you both need to find a way of accepting each others approach otherwise it will continually crop up. Neither one of you is wrong. Especially if this money comes to you on a regular basis and won't suddenly stop.

It depends if that was going to be joint money - which I suppose it might well have been, as you are married.

If you have seperate finances then it's OK, but only if they're truly seperate and it wouldn't have ultimately gone towards joint savings/ investments/ mortgage etc.

If your finances are separate then really it doesn't matter as long as you contribute your half.

Since you’re married, I think that any gifts you receive from parents / inheritances etc should be shared between you for occasions like this. Otherwise you’re just watching your husband scrimping by to save, whilst you carry on as usual until you get a big handout. I can’t understand why you feel happy watching him working hard to save the money, when you could share the gift and make it easier for him, and you both need to save up less. Instead of supporting your partner and being in a partnership you say he has a chip on his shoulder. So yes, I can see why he’s annoyed! I’d be very hurt if my partner treated me like this.

I think your different approaches to money and spending are a red flag. No one’s fault. And being a spender is not a moral failing as some would have you believe. But yes, I can see how it would annoy him that you have a “reserve” that he does not.

I think it’s just the difference between capital ( gift money) and revenue ( monthly savings). He wants to go on holiday using revenue and you’ve used capital. I think his point is that if you’d used revenue to pay you’d still have your capital money in the bank.

I think the knowledge that this money is going to keep coming in, or that parents will step in and bail you out is holding you back from growing up and taking responsibility for yourself. That’s not hugely attractive, and I imagine he is finding it frustrating.

Relationships are put under pressure when you’re not both on the same page when it comes to money. At the moment you’re a spender and he is a saver.

I think what ever is happening with money and spending must filter through to a difference in attitude to life , day to day functioning and independence. This is what he is struggling with not the money really. I'm not sure you are compatible long term as you have different values and expectations.

Not sure if this view has been suggested by pp, but maybe he feels shame that he can never match you because he doesn't have money coming in from family and never will. Maybe he sees your willingness to pool your money as an implicit criticism of him (feels he should earn more to compensate maybe?) or resents your 'Lady Bountiful' approach.

I was brought up in a family where money was not plentiful to start with but later came to be. From my mother I inherited a cautious, needs- based approach to spending (although her family were relatively comfortably off) whereas my father quite liked to spend (not excessively but unnecessarily at times) but came from a poor family. The original 'pot' whereby they were helped to buy a house etc all came from my mother's family, whereas later wealth came from his earning powers. My father has told me how he felt awkward accepting the money at first (but did, all money in the marriage was pooled) but bountiful once it was his own contribution.

Whatever, I find your disdain for his approach and feelings hard to understand, though I can see that him not agreeing to share your money is frustrating. For context, in my marriage, I both earn more (and always have) and have gained more from family over the years than my husband, but we share it all.

If I was your husband I would be thinking that you are in this very fortunate position because your parents were financially savvy and saved/invested well and maybe you should stop spending and take a leaf out of their book

This.

I think it comes down to being so different in your attitudes.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be happy with someone with your view. And it’s not just money. The line ‘well really it’s his fault I don’t save’ (paraphrasing) suggests you don’t really take any financial responsibility for yourself. You act as though your actions aren’t your own but as a result of everyone else’s. Him, you deceased parent, your living parent.

And your inability to save did directly impact him. You didn’t save for your wedding. You had something to save for and still didn’t. Then relied and your parent and him to sort out your financial responsibility. It was something you agreed to and you didn’t do it, just let other people handle the fall out.

and while you are still paying for your half here, you showed the same behaviour. Claimed you were going to save to pay for something but didn’t, then used money that had been gifted to make up the shortfall. It’s more about you not sticking to what you said you were going to do and then using money you have been given to bail you out.

On the other hand he may be too far the other way. It’s hard to tell. But your attitude to money, I can imagine, is frustrating. Especially for someone who grew up quite poor and does what they said they were going to do.

For an individual purchase, money is money so it doesn't really matter. But, I don't think I could be with someone who was still supported by their parent(s), it would feel like I was dating a child, not a fully functioning adult. I would also find the offers to be supported by PIL's money infantising, so refuse it as your husband had.

Maybe it's not actually about the holiday, and more a reminder of how fundermentally mis-matched you are. If he's already uncomfortable with the financial side of the relationship, your inability to save is bringing those feelings front and center.

Does he feel like you have to suffer/deprive yourself to deserve a holiday?

I hope you paid him back when he bailed you out of the shortfall for that big purchase.
But aside from that, he could fuck right off and I wouldn't be discussing my income or its source with any boyfriend. Especially not one with a massive chip on his shoulder.

What difference does it make? Whether the money was saved week by week or was from a gift?

YANBU OP people are invariably going to give you the sensible advice of seeking couples counselling. I just want to give you some support.

If you are working, earn a decent amount of money, pay into your pension, have a house, have a safety net and no longer ask him or your parent for money you are fine. If you’re still having to do that, then he has a point and you need to make a plan to adjust your spending.

He needs to work on his issue. By all means if he wants to pretend as though poverty is aspirational, he can let his moral conviction guide him. If you capitulate, there is no guarantee that later on in life, when it would be perfectly reasonable for you to spend your money, he won’t still be resentful. You only live one life. If the wedding incident was indeed just one incident and you have paid him back he needs to let it go.

You shouldn’t have omitted how you were going to pay for the holiday but, money is money and you are not a child. He shouldn’t be refusing to go to punish you.

This would bother me. Looks like you’re not very responsible with money and not for the first time so he’s understandably annoyed.

@Georgeandzippyzoo A trust fund IS means, though, to be fair. I know people who live entirely on the means from family wealth and trusts. I actually used to be jealous of them, but the closer I've got to what it means to always be spending your family's money, not yours, from a psychological, romantic relationship and family relationship perspective, the less jealous I feel...but that's another story! But suffice it to say it makes things very tricky in relationships, especially, I've observed, where it's a woman who has wealth and a man who doesn't, due to the gendered social expectations we all live with.

the difference is in the wording: i'm saving, to save, a conscious act to put money aside. so there is a doing part on your behalf, actively setting bits aside separately for this item or occasion.
vs from savings, which implies an account already set up not specifically for this item or occasion.
and yes gift vs trust vs inheritance is not really relevant.
now i've not read the whole thread BUT you would do well with both some personal and financial counselling to better understand your unique situation.
depending on the value of your non spending "savings" account INTEREST paid and not used could be considered money you have saved for this occasion.

Maybe the cracks are beginning to show now that you've been together a while OP? Couples who are fundamentally incompatible, usually manage to gloss over their differences for a while, but as time passes and the relationship begins to get stale, that's when the things that previously were brushed under the carpet in the rosy glow of love, begin to irk, and ultimately lead to quarrels and the breakdown of the relationship.

For example, how many people tell outright lies at the beginning of a relationship simply because they fancy the pants off the other person, and want to be their 'perfect' partner? I'm sure we've all done it, perhaps claimed to love football, classical music, or whatever the other person enjoys, when in reality they can't stand it. Gradually as the relationship goes on, they can't keep it up, and find spending hours standing outside in the cold, watching a bunch of men running around after a silly ball, just too much, so start making excuses not to go along. This might work for a while, but then kids come along, and suddenly she, who professed to 'love' football, begins to get pissed off by the fact that her partner, wants to spend most of the weekend, either playing football, watching football, or worse still both, while she gets sole care of the kids. This then leads to the rows, where she says 'You never want to spend any time with me and the kids', and he comes back with 'Well you used to love football, but you never want to come and watch me play anymore!' Ultimately in all too many cases, this sort of argument leads to the complete breakdown of the relationship. At the end of the day, if she'd told the truth and said she actually loathed football, they'd have probably saved wasting years of their lives, as they'd have realised that they really weren't compatible after all. You and your DH are NOT compatible OP!

@vibecheck You very definitely need to have a proper chat about finances. You need to set out all your wealth/savings/investments and have ideally a shared opinion or at the least a shared understanding / awareness of how you plan to use those, along with a shared view on how you spend your earnings. This goes for his savings too.

If he was assuming/hoping you would keep that investment saved, and you had no intention of doing so - well, neither is right nor wrong, but you hadn't got on the same page about it, so you both assumed different things, and are now upset with each other based on private assumptions! That can't continue. It's a classic dynamic that causes issues in relationships about all kinds of things big and small. It's a cliche, but communication, lots of it, before, during and after the fact is so important!

(Unless you had actively told him you were going to continue to hold that fund as an investment and then went against this in your actions - but it doesn't sound like it.)

You did lie though.
You deliberately lied by omission because, as you said, you knew he would disapprove and you'd rather have an easy option.

His concern probably comes from the fact this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour and there's dishonesty and deception brought in too.

In his position I'd be rethinking the relationship. I'd probably be thinking "here's a spouse I would love to spend the rest of my life with, we might have children one day, aren't we fortunate to have our marital finances as they are? With careful stewarding we can have a fantastic life and ensure that we set future children up with a leg up I could only have dreamt of. But actually my spouse can't even be honest with me, money burns a hole in her pocket, and she's already thinking about when her next pot of money comes through. She can't even save for a joint holiday so she's spent all her money and has taken money out of more savings because she'd rather go shopping. At this rate she is likely to fritter away any money she has and when those pots run out I'll be stuck with someone who has no financial restraint and our future kids will get almost nothing to help. Maybe we aren't compatible because I don't want to spend my whole marriage wondering what spending my spouse is keeping secret"

I'm not saying he definitely feels that way, but in his shoes that's how I would be feeling

I think the term 'living within my means', for most people, would mean You earn enough to pay what needs paying for, saving for etc bills, essentials and hopefully some luxuries now and again, without having to rely on bail outs from parents, or accessing a trust find.

You do not live within your means at all if others pay/give you hand outs , and I'm bloody surprised you think you do!