Alcohol question

Sorry to say it but it’s definitely beyond me to advise what you do, but I hope you find a solution. Having a partner lie to you and to himself must be very hard.

His biggest relationship is with alcohol and not you unfortunately. That is the love of his life and it will always come first.
Beware of DV as anyone getting in the way of his life’s passion is a threat.

Also he has had a lifetime of role models showing him this is acceptable. Unlikely you are going to be able to break this unless he really loves you.

I think you should get things sorted for yourself and then leave him. He doesn’t have to agree to a divorce or separation. That can be a unilateral decision. It doesn’t matter whether he believes you or not about your reasoning.

Well done for deciding to address it PumkinPetra, that's really admirable.

Are there things you need to get organised before you have this conversation? Joint finances that need to be sorted? Living arrangements worked out? If so it would be a good idea for you to look at those first and make a plan so he can't trip you up and make it seem impossible. (There are plenty of wise posters on the Relationships board have good advice about that.)

Be reassured that you are the grown up here. You are the one whose head is sorted and who can see this for what it is. Don't let him try to make you believe it's the other way round, and that he's in control and you're overreacting with regards to his drinking. If he tries that line, remind him that he's broken the law and endangered his own life, and the lives of other people. His drinking is a problem. You no longer want it to be your problem.

I once had a talk with my wife about alcohol. She was worried I was drinking too much, and I definitely had been. It was during COVID lockdown number 2 and I was WFH full time during the winter and was using it as something to alleviate the boredom I guess.

Anyhoo, the long and short of it is it was a wake up call to me. So we said we were allowed 2 nights a week, so if I wanted to watch a football game with a beer in the week I'd have to miss off a night at the weekend.

I found it worked really well as a strategy for re-evaluating my relationship with alcohol.

It might be something to consider as a last chance if you want to save the relationship.

Would he switch to alcohol free? My husband enjoys a beer and doesn’t really drink anything but beer and tea. He was getting into a bad habit of 1-2 bottles (330ml) most days. So not a huge amount but a slippery slope
in the last year he’s hugely upped his exercise. He’s less likely to drink brfore exercising or if he’s just finished exercising. He also has been trying various alcohol free beers and has found 2 that he thinks are nice. So much so that he saw one being served in a pub and ordered it instead of an alcohol version!

I used to drink a lot (2-4 bottles of wine a week at home) but since having children have really got out of the habit. I now only buy the mini bottles and have 2-3 glasses a month. Maybe a couple more out of the house/at dinner. I think it’s predominantly habit changing

You're not negotiating the end of the relationship, you are telling him what you want which is to split up.

Don't get involved in tit for tat accusations, alcoholics are manipulative, he'll tie you in knots and you will get tired and worn down before he does.

You tell him the relationship is no longer working for you. Despite multiple discussions about his drinking nothing has changed and you will not spend more time waiting for that to happen. You will not take the blame for splitting the family up when he refuses to address his drinking problem.

Make sure you are safe when you have the conversation. Have someone else in the house if you think he is going to turn nasty.

Good luck, it might be tough but I'm sure it won't take long for you to feel relieved.

Just revisiting after a couple of days. Given the updates, I’d say this person most definitely has a problem with alcohol. Very best of luck whatever you decide to do next.

Oh yeah I know, the recommends limits feel really quite low when you do the maths. As I said upthread, I drink amounts that many people would consider hardly anything, but actually I get close to the weekly limit often. I would have been a little bit over it fairly often a few years back before kids, even though I’ve never really considered myself to be a heavy drinker.
I wouldn’t worry about your parents unless they are driving after drinking half a bottle of wine. It’s not ideal health wise but in your late seventies I think it’s fair to choose to enjoy yourself over optimizing your health if you prefer 🤷‍♀️. If they were concerned they could swap to an non alcoholic alternative every other day and that would bring their drinking much closer to the limits the NHS recommends.

He is an addict. He will tell you that he will change, but he won’t.

A couple sharing a bottle of wine a night and maybe a full bottle at the weekend is fine. If they can afford to and its not impacting anybody else. And I'm assuming half a bottle of wine isn't getting anybody drunk.

It's not fine healthwise though. The problems with excessive drinking (and what you describe is excessive drinking) are not solely limited to incapacity due to drunkenness, or confined to alcoholics. I speak as someone who used to drink too much (but was never a daily drinker).

Yep, my friend DH said it was all in her head, too. He's now in hospital in end stage liver failure, and it's still all in her head. He doesn't have a problem it's everyone else. Admitting the problem is the first step.

It does sound too much when you put it like that 😅 I don't drink really. But my retired parents have shared a bottle of red every night, for the last few years. They are in their late 70s now. They are otherwise healthy enough, so I wouldn't begrudge them one of their simple pleasures.

Drinking a little every day isn't necessarily a problem, drinking 4-6 cans every day is definitely a problem and drink-driving is an even bigger problem.

That's about 33 units per week, which is double the NHS recommended maximum. I think that's way too much. Even though I probably used to drink it myself.

It would be too much for me, for sure. I was thinking about my parents tbh. They are retired, late 70s and have taken to sharing a bottle of wine every night. They enjoy it and for them, I think let them enjoy their pleasures.
It does surprise me though, that half a bottle a night would be considered over the healthy limit. But I don't doubt you.

I hear you OP, you have my sympathy, I am in a very similar situation with my partner - we do not live together yet and only see one another at weekends and I have no idea how much she drinks during the week, but I have yet to spend a day in her company when she hasn't had a few drinks. Any opportunity, any occasion, any alcohol! She regularly drinks a bottle of red on a Friday and Saturday evening, often has a drink during the middle of the day at weekends, I know she drinks cider, lager, Baileys or vodka in the evenings during the week. Is proud of the risky, antisocial and promiscuous behaviours she has indulged in, in the not too distant past , wears it like a badge of honour and repeatedly refers to it. Her friends are of the same metal and when I mentioned 'stoptober, the other day, they all chorused, in unison, "we don't do that shit". We went to lay flowers on my mum's grave a few weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, (my mum was an alcoholic), and on the way home she insisted on stopping at a pub for a drink. The irony and insensitivity was not lost on me! I hate pubs anyway, as she well knows, the atmosphere, the stomach churning smell of alcohol, the people who spend time in pubs, not people I want to spend time with.

She had the nerve to tell me the other day "you have an issue with alcohol"! I don't, I admit I am biased, predjudiced, mistrust it and am wary of it, having experienced alcoholism in my mum, and a former partner who was a secret drinker, untl she ended up in hospital, in ICU, and nearly died. It is happening for the third time!

She told me twice, over the last two weekends, that "I am a drinker, I enjoy drinking hard, I enjoy binge drinking and I am not going to stop" I have my answer and am planning my escape - I will not go through it a third time!

You can only keep your own side of the street clean, lest, in clearing up another's mess, you wear out your broom!

I did not cause it
I am not responsible
I cannot control it
I cannot stop it

Get out OP, while you still can, it will not change and will drag you down too

If he had a beer or two every evening, plus a bit more at the weekends I don't think that would be the end of the world... I am a big drinker (drink 5 days a week) and even I think 4-6 cans a night is completely excessive, that's before we've even considered the drink driving which is a complete deal breaker personally. He sounds like an alcoholic.

So they are drinking everyday. By your calculations on an average day between 11 and 20 units per day plus more at the weekend. They are also hiding bottles behind sofas etc... The recommended weekly guidelines is no more than 14 units per week, that's with a few days of not drinking and not binging it all in one or two nights. The person you are talking about is way over that. Bear in mind as well that if they are drinking 20 units in an evening and then up for work the next morning, if they are driving then they will be over the limit as it takes a healthy liver 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol. This sounds problematic. My advise is for you at least to seek Professional support with this even if they don't want to so that you have the knowledge and support.

Half a bottle of wine is about 5 units.
A full bottle is 10.
So that would put a person at/just over the weekly limit, and actually 10units in one sitting counts as a binge. - NHS recommends spreading 14units evenly over 3 or more days - basically not going over 5 ish units per day.

That's well into alcoholism. I enjoy a glass of wine but if I drank 19 units in a night I don't think I'd wake up.