Maternity Leave Companion

Are you sure she’s lonely and isolated? She might have just thought ‘ooh, I wonder if greydiamond fancies lunch’ or even ‘I thought greydiamond needed a bit of company last time round so I’ll ask her out for lunch’ and if you decline will happily trip off to meet/make other friends. You know her of course, but from the OP I think you’re massively overthinking this and if you don’t want to go should just politely decline and move on.

You know what, I’d just go for the lunch. She might have changed a bit in the last two years and some people need a bit of warming up. When I first met one of my best friends it took an age to go beyond the stilted small talk, then, somehow, it just kind of clicked one day (although I think alcohol was involved).

Why would you take from this you are not a nice person?

That is ridiculous.

Of course you have the right to choose whom you spend time with.

You do not owe anyone your time.

Come the menopause you will not hesitate to ruthlessly apply this.

Do yourself a huge favour and start now.

When we have children our down time becomes even more precious.

I consciously refused to spend any time with anyome that I didn't feel lighter after meeting up with.

I gave the heavy weather, humourless, competitive mothers a hard swerve and spent my time with the warm, funny, supportive friends that made my life better.

I never regretted it.

Ok…

I feel sorry for anyone who is keen to make friends with someone who is very keen to avoid them.

Poor Delilah. If you can’t stand her company so much you’re agonising, don’t go.

OP, I would do a bit of both.

I certainly wouldn't be committing to a weekly catch up, not a chance, but a coffee every 3 weeks might be possible.

There is nothing to be gained for either of you spending your precious time with someone whom you feel little connection with.

I don't see my close friends on a weekly basis, so couldn't imagine seeing someone I had zero interest in.

There is absolutely nothing wrong for protecting your down time during mat leave.

The group suggestion is a good one.

Do you want to meet up with her? If you're bored and looking for something to do, I'd go. If not, then don't.

I had friends from my NCT class that I saw regularly when we were on mat leave. 2-3 of them I continued to spend time with periodically after we went back to work, the others we only vaguely followed each other on social media.

My eldest is 10 now. I'm still friends with 2 of them though we only see each other maybe once a year now as we've moved. The others I don't really keep in touch with. We don't have anything in common, though they are perfectly okay people. If I was off work and we lived nearby and one of them asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee, I probably would if I was bored and looking for something to do. If I didn't like them and had no interest in meeting up, I wouldn't.

I'd do as others say and find a group or library story time or similar to meet at. If actually she's more fun than you remember that can turn into lunch/coffee/walk after, if its still stilted you can make a nap excuse and escape home.

It is hard- I found having to make small talk with people I'd never usually socialize with hard work on mat leave especially when sleep deprived but it did also make me meet a variety of people and make some different friends which can only be a good thing! I daresay I was pretty poor company on some of those days when I'd been up 10 x the night before!

I think say yes to this lunch then next time a lunch is suggested say that you can’t make that but would she like to come to <insert group activity> with you instead. A monthly lunch is more than I see some of my close friends but I think meeting for something like a coffee at a playground once a month/a walk or exercise class, so you’re doing something you need to do anyway and combining that with socialising and some company on the thing, rather than the sole focus being the stilted convo. And once a month is plenty!

I'd be heartbroken to learn that people who I like spending time with think this of me. I'd way rather they end the friendship so that I could move on and find people to spend time with who actually like me.

In your situation I'd join a group and invite her along. That way you see her once a week, at something you want to do anyway.

OP I'd agree to go to the lunch and then I'd avoid getting into a weekly thing and go for coffee every two or three weeks or whatever. Also I'd try suggesting meeting at toddler groups or buggy boot camp or whatever class that you might go to. I wouldn't blow off the relationship because her child could end up in school with yours and you don't want to cause ill feelings and also as others said she might be lonely also it's still autumn and it could be a long miserable winter so you might be glad of a friend also on maternity leave. However in saying all of that I totally understand and while I found myself very lonely on my first maternity leave I loved loved loved my second maternity leave and I think it helped that I was already busy with DC1 so I enjoyed the quiet alone time with the new baby and I didn't need to get out and about as much. By maternity leave number 3 I was running off from baby yoga to preschool collection without even staying for the coffee and chat whereas with DC1 it was the coffee and chat I went for.

@Greydiamond yes my oldest has started school so the house is quiet and peaceful sometimes for a change! I think I struggled with the adjustment to parenthood a bit and wanted companions in the same boat. Now I don't feel like I need mum friends so much as it isn't all new and scary in the same way

Yes start going to a group together that way you aren't the only person she could talk to and she'll meet more mums.
I'm on my 2nd mat leave and feeling a bit antisocial because I'm not bothered about meeting mum friends this time. It was nice last time but it did fizzle out for the most part when we all went back to work and I'm not finding it as hard to be home with my baby this time

Just go. Maternity leave is boring and you should try to get out of the house as much as you can. Your baby is portable enjoy while you can.

I can completely see that one to one lunches/coffees etc might be a bit much if you aren't close. I'd try to be friendly though as it seems she's not a bad person, and I've been lonely myself. Is there a group or activity that you enjoy that you can invite Delilah to as well? She might meet someone else there.

Well yes, but OP is suggesting that she wants to be polite and kind but with boundaries and stresses how much she cares about not upsetting Delilah. There are many people in the world who “can do nothing for you”, and I think you’re just supposed to treat them kindly and respectfully, not go out of your way to spend time with them to your own detriment.