For wanting to sleep separately

I also have struggled with sleep for many years. My partner and I share a bed but we have two single duvets rather than one double and it helps so much! We also sometimes (actually quite frequently...🙈🤣) do "top and tail" (where one of us sleeps at the other end of the bed 🤣) when I'm really struggling to sleep and need space. I find I sleep better with a light 4.5 tog duvet. I used to feel shame about the way we sleep but now I really don't care. My poor sleep was affecting him (accidentally waking him up by my tossing and turning) so we are both better off this way. I definitely feel that I worry less about waking him up because I have my own duvet.

We have a double bed, I am hopeful that in future if we can get a king bed maybe things will change, but if it doesn't that's ok.

I don’t do well falling asleep with anyone else there but am fine once settled. For this reason, 99% of the time I go up to bed alone and am fast asleep before my partner comes up.
I’d happily have separate beds but we don’t have a spare room. I have been known to take myself to the sofa in the middle of the night if I can’t get back to sleep. He’s never thought there was an issue, just that I’m a fussy sleeper 😂

I bloody love sleeping separately and I’m far nicer to DP when I get the opportunity to do so, because I’ve slept well and not been tortured all night by his snoring and thrashing. Unfortunately we don’t have a spare room but occasionally he goes away for work overnight and it’s bloody lovely. Looking forward to the DC leaving home then I’m nicking one of their rooms.

Pre-1960s it was relatively common for married couples to have separate beds in the same room or separate bedrooms altogether. The guy who runs the Sleep Clinic, the institute that researches sleep disorders, has said he owes his happy marriage to separate bedrooms. I’ve also seen articles suggesting most adults sharing a standard-sized double bed have less personal space than a child in a single bed - so no wonder it’s so bloody difficult to sleep!

DH and I have been through ever-increasing mattress sizes, separate duvets and every single snoring remedy known to man. The only thing that works for both of us (much as he hates it, being totally honest) is separate bedrooms. We’ve both become more wakeful as we’ve aged, we both get up to the loo at different times in the night, he snores like a drain, I had a hideous night-sweaty insomniac peri-menopause, he tosses and turns and I don’t, I like to read in bed & he doesn’t - the list goes on. We still shag, we’re still affectionate, we just sleep separately most of the time.

Disrupted sleep has been shown to be as bad for you as smoking. In the end it’s far better for your mental health, physical wellbeing and the happiness of your relationship if you can both get a good night’s sleep. If you feel it’s best for you to sleep alone don’t beat yourself up about it - it’s much more common than you think.

My grandparents had two double beds in the main bedroom like in a hotel. Claimed it was why their (in the end) 65 year long marriage had lasted so long.

Been married for 33 years, been together 38. Have slept in separate rooms for 25 of those years, since I was pregnant with DC2. Went on to have DC3 too!

A friend exclaimed horror. I told her that he 'escapes' sometimes...

DH and I are not compatible sleepers, therefore do not share a bed. Most couples I know who have the space sleep separately. It’s not as uncommon as you might think.

I much prefer sleeping alone. Double beds are the worst invention ever 😉 My OH has contracted man flu and he has declared he is sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight yahooooo!!! I'm so looking forward to it 🤣

My husband is the most annoying person to sleep next to. My daughter is the second most annoying. He snores, has sleep apnoea, jerks his whole body, practically vibrates, waves his leg in the air and generally just drives me insane.

I struggle to get to sleep, to stay asleep and have that thing where I get really triggered and angry by certain noises. Snoring is one of them. Can’t stand it, it gives me rage.

We have a superking bed but I still feel every movement. I have a sleep mask and loud white noise, which helps with the snoring but I swear it’s damaging my hair!

We also have the additional problem of an autistic daughter with nighttime anxiety that ends up in between us most nights. She kicks me and puts her freezing feet on my back 😭

Is it any wonder then that my lovely husband gets kicked out the bed?! We actually both prefer sleeping alone. Always have. We’ve never snuggled to sleep in bed, ever. We don’t sleep separately every night but he does me treats and goes in the spare room. I always have clean bedding on and put a little lamp on so it’s cosy and tempts him in there 🤣

You can still have sex so really, what’s the issue? Good sleep is so important.

My DH and have had separate beds for years it suits us both, i like to read in bed and he likes to go straight to sleep. We both snore, he's a figiter and a bed hogger. Don't feel guilty you can still have a cuddle and be intimate and then just go to your own beds perfect 😀

We have slept separately for 15yrs now or thereabout. Still in love & married. In fact, think we would have divorced if we had forced ourselves to sleep in the same bed/bedroom as there were nights I had thought about putting a pillow over his face as DH is a snorer and leg twitcher. Id poke him to roll over and he got really frustrated and then could not sleep for fear of snoring and being poked. I’m not a good joint sleeper either because I get nightmares/flashbacks and have kicked and punched DH while asleep too- I cannot be cuddled when asleep or half awake.

There is nothing wrong with preferring to be a lone sleeper. The frustrating thing is finding a home that doesn’t have the big giant master bed with teeny tiny other beds. In one house we actually converted a dining room to a bedroom so we could each have a double bedroom.

I totally get this!

I've been married 25 years. I'm a terrible sleeper and much prefer sleeping by myself. At this point in time most of the time I start out in our bed and move to the lounge after a few hours. But sometimes I think it would be easier if I just had a separate bed. When DH is away for work I feel so much less tired!

Have you tried doing anything about the anxiety? Therapy, hypnosis, spoken to gps etc?

No stigma about sleeping separately in my house, or those of my friends. Do what works for you both.

DH and I have been happily married for 28 years and slept separately for the last 15 or so.
That is why we are still married.
He has terrible sleep patterns - takes at least an hour to drop off and wakes at the drop of a hat. Me breathing is apparently a problem!

Being happy sleeping in a separate room to allow the other to sleep better could be viewed as a sign of a strong marriage, not the opposite. Why needlessly disturb each other for some sort of performative validation, even if you slept well in the same bed - you'd be asleep for the entire duration and not even be aware of it. Life is too short to spend it tired and in a suboptimal sleeping arrangement.

Why not go the whole hog and eat dinner off the same plate every night because it is romantic?

YANBU. There is no rule that two people in a relationship, even if they are married, have to share a bed, a room or even a home!

DH and I go to bed in the same room but at some point he will decamp into the other room. We both snore - him more than me. I usually wake up alone but I don’t mind at all.

I'm convinced sleeping separately can save relationships. Snoring would drive me nuts, for example.

We have a double bed each, absolute bliss

If it works for you both, then there is no problem.

We've slept in different rooms for the past few years and it's really much better.

I prioritise my sleep. I am an extremely light sleeper. I have a very loud fan on over night for white noise that means I cannot hear my son chatting or getting food. But sometimes i still sleep badly.

when that happens my husband sleeps in the spare room for me. So I can sleep all night. I keep the door closed and the cat out. Lack of sleep used to ruin me. But since I took control things have got alot better.

We have a spare room as DD us in uni and mist nights its got either DH or myself in it.

im 49, menopausal, difficulty sleeping (been awake since 3am) so why inflict that on DH? Doesn’t mean i love him any less by sleeping apart. That is bollocks

Have you tried two single quilts? Game changer here. I can move around and not worry about disturbing him, we can have different warmth of quilts. Works for us.

Sleep is crucial for your health and wellbeing.

Lack of sleep is used as a torture method…