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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
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OchonAgusOchonOh · 27/10/2023 11:33

MumApril1990 · 27/10/2023 09:46

@Wexone I do work and my children go to nursery, that’s very different to leaving them for 5 days straight with grandparents isn’t it.

Leaving them in nursery is way worse. After all, if you are leaving them with grandparents, it is only for a few days. If you are putting them in nursery 5 days a week, 48-50 weeks a year, the majority of the rearing is being done by nursery staff. You really should be ashamed at the lack of child rearing you are doing.

Just to clarify for everyone else, I worked full-time until my eldest was 4 then part-time until my youngest, who is 5 years younger, was 14, when I went back full-time. They were in nursery until starting school. We occasionally left them with grandparents for a few days. They are now all happy, healthy and successful adults so we obviously did something right.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 09:56

@inlawsruinmylife This MIL does a lot of turning round before she speaks, doesn't she?!

Wexone · 27/10/2023 09:52

MumApril1990 · 27/10/2023 09:46

@Wexone I do work and my children go to nursery, that’s very different to leaving them for 5 days straight with grandparents isn’t it.

not really 😕.

MumApril1990 · 27/10/2023 09:46

@Wexone I do work and my children go to nursery, that’s very different to leaving them for 5 days straight with grandparents isn’t it.

Wexone · 27/10/2023 09:36

MumApril1990 · 27/10/2023 09:29

@Wexone nkt ashamed at all I’m a good Mum who actually looks after my own babies and doesn’t dump them in grandparents for days on end, like some on Mumsnet

so you literally don't step outside the door without your children with you ? you don't do anything without them with you at home? you don't go to work to hairdresers to doctors appontment dentists etc without your children with you when they go to school nursery out with their friends are you glued right beside. do you see the millions of women who work evey day with their children glued beside them ? including the newsreaders you see on TV all the way to the supermarket checkout people? you can be a good parent and still have a life. grandparents childcare etc are used and do children no harm. some women have no choice but to go out and work and get their children minded. people need to have a break away from their children sometimes for their own peace of mind and family friends etc can look after their children agreeded with no resentment. it is allowed.

MumApril1990 · 27/10/2023 09:29

@Wexone nkt ashamed at all I’m a good Mum who actually looks after my own babies and doesn’t dump them in grandparents for days on end, like some on Mumsnet

Wexone · 27/10/2023 08:15

MumApril1990 · 26/10/2023 23:24

@Wexone wanting to leave your baby with somebody else for days is a sure sign you shouldn’t have had one

seriously?? Read that back to yourself now and then give yourself a good talking too..shame on you

Anngin · 26/10/2023 23:50

Don't help her out in future and I hope everything is now Sorted out.

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2023 23:38

MumApril1990 · 26/10/2023 23:24

@Wexone wanting to leave your baby with somebody else for days is a sure sign you shouldn’t have had one

Seriously?

You actually took the time to type that?

MumApril1990 · 26/10/2023 23:24

@Wexone wanting to leave your baby with somebody else for days is a sure sign you shouldn’t have had one

Rosscameasdoody · 22/10/2023 15:44

Aussiemade · 18/10/2023 02:52

This was done on purpose by your MIL. Some mothers can get very jealous of the sons wives. Thats sounds iky but its true
She’s a bitch. Don’t bother with her again
Leave dog at home with an auto feeder can let the tap drip into a bucket and ask a neighbor to call in once a day to check.
then take baby with you an go on your holiday. That will teach her a lesion

Wow, I really, sincerely hope you don’t have a dog.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/10/2023 15:40

Mrsmalelly · 18/10/2023 08:23

You are expecting your MIL to look after your baby and your dog for 4 days, on her own, while you go away. That is a big ask. Perhaps she does not know how to say no and has to make an excuse when she realised it would be just too much.

OP wasn’t expecting anything. She says MiL begged to have DD, not the other way around.

Maryh78 · 20/10/2023 12:04

You're not being a b1tch at all! I would just say as we've had to cancel our trip, we don't need anyone to look after DD now...otherwise she'll still think she's doing you a favour. I would plan a nice day out for you all.

Lavender14 · 20/10/2023 10:22

It sounds to me like she's got herself worried about how she'll manage two dogs and a baby. Which is a lot even if both dogs get on and are well behaved. She's maybe overthought it all in her head and it's come out but at the worst possible timing. Could you ask for recommendations for kennels on a dog fb page near you and try to find a new one that way that is well thought of? It would be such a shame to lose the trip if its non refundable. Would they not even let you move the booking to a later date?

I guess it depends on what you want from the time even if you are at home. Do you send dd and try to make it a mini holiday with dh and do nice grown up things together, or do you take it as a family holiday now and do things as a trio.

I can see why you wouldn't want mil to have dd now, I'd be pissed and I'd feel like if I'm just at home I don't need childcare, but it might afford you a nice night out or dinner together etc? So depends on how you want to spend that time now.

Next time she asks for dd id get dh to go back to her and say no, sorry you've been too unreliable at short notice in the past but you're welcome to visit. That way you're still facilitating a relationship while holding her accountable and aren't relying on her for anything.

Ilovetravelling · 20/10/2023 10:15

Tell that to the Royal Family 😂

YireosDodeAver · 20/10/2023 08:04

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

This is a friendly forum and friends don't let friends give or take idiotic advice without calling them out on it. Your dog care suggestion was terrible and inappropriate and I would have no hesitation in saying the same to my best friend in the world if she were to say the same. There are some things that aren't a matter of opinion and you don't get to have your own personal opinion on whether or not it's abusive to leave a dog alone for days in the way you suggested.

Wexone · 20/10/2023 07:44

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

when you recommend an inhuman way of looking after dogs on an open forum expect abuse and rightly so
and if I knew you personally would be telling you face to face.
don't recommend inhuman ways of treating dogs if you don't want abuse

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

Codlingmoths · 20/10/2023 01:05

As in it is not entitled of the op, it is an extremely normal and justified reaction.

Codlingmoths · 20/10/2023 01:04

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

so should parents just always expect any invitation to mind their children is totally provisional and no guarantee that person is actually willing to mind their children? the op is not entitled to be annoyed at being let down after commitments were made.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 20/10/2023 00:05

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

But they are entitled to somebody keeping their word when they have promised to look after the baby and dog. Otherwise what is the point in asking/ arranging it so far in advance?

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

YireosDodeAver · 18/10/2023 23:45

@inlawsruinmylife I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

Don't make wild and wacky excuses. You don't owe her anything and she is not in charge of your time. You can simply say No. No thank you is a perfectly acceptable reply to an invitation. You can choose one event to go to if you wish, and then just say sorry we can't make it for the others. Making excuses puts you in the position of acknowledging you are being WRONG and BAD in failing to obey the instructions. The question "why not" carries the implicit assumption that obedience is owed unless you can produce a sufficiently good excuse to be allowed not to.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/10/2023 23:22

Queucumber · 17/10/2023 22:00

Your dog needs its nails doing in time for the festive season and the groomer had a cancellation.

Genius

ThreeLeggedParrot · 18/10/2023 21:44

Give her a wife birth till January

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