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AIBU?

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Original poster

Binned off for beer!

59 replies

Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 16:59

DP has always been a bit of a party animal, can never leave until the end of the night, most of the times we go out I drive and he gets pissed.
Often out way later than agreed, never sorts a lift out (we live rurally so taxi/public transport not an option). In the earlier days of our relationship he failed to come home several times, or would ring me at 3 or 4 in the morning asking me to go and get him. We have 2 DC aged 2 and 4 now and admittedly it hasn't been so frequent but he still loves a beer and will often ring while he's out saying he won't be home when he said he would be and then not getting home til the early hours. We've been out this morning getting the DCs hair cut, and arranged that his parents would come over tonight for takeaway. He asked if I minded dropping him off at the rugby club for a few and he will come home when we go and pick up the takeaway. No problem, see you in a few hours.
He's just rung me and said one of his rugby mates wants to stay and watch the world Cup rugby game which doesn't start til 8 so did I mind of he stays out instead. I reminded him we have plans with HIS parents and he said yeah, they won't mind if I'm not there. I'm pissed off and told him yet again he has binned us off for beer.
AIBU to feel let down and pissed off? Every time he goes out this happens. I wouldnt be so bothered but he was away Sunday and Monday night with work and worked late the rest of the week (genuinely work and no suspicion of any infidelity) and we've hardly seen him.

OP posts:
HarperMae · 14/10/2023 19:54

"probably once every couple of months"

really? You're honestly annoyed that once every couple of months he comes home later than planned early hours? The problem you've got is making the plans. Why do people need timed nights out, once every couple of months? That's unhealthy. Leave him to enjoy a night out.

GettingStuffed · 14/10/2023 19:47

My guess is peer pressure from his mates at the club. I used to go to the rugby club regularly and if someone said something like I've got to go home their mates would take the Mick and call them under the wife's thumb. A lot aren't strong enough to say No I need to go.

dancingdaisies · 14/10/2023 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:41

I wouldn’t want him within a 1 mile radius of my children tbh

Original poster
Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 18:18

@Barrowgirl not as bad as it used to be, he stopped playing rugby just before covid (his choice not me pushing him although I can't say I was disappointed) and his other mates have mostly also got small children so don't go out as much as they all used to. So it varies, probably once every couple of months. But pretty much without fail rings me with one excuse or another as to why he is going to be out late (wetting another babys head, oh X is here and I haven't seen him for ages, or it's Y's birthday i didn't realise all the lads would be here). Obviously he's generally fucking useless the next day when he's hung over ( I can't even entertain the thought of parenting my hellions on a hangover so I never have) so it just puts a bad feeling on the whole weekend when it does happen.

He has tried to ring me several times, the first time I answered and told him I'm not happy that he's binned us off. He's messaged because I told him our 4yo has quoted me and said "Daddy always bins us off, doesn't he" so as long as he's happy with her knowing that's who her dad is then he should stay out as long as he likes. Told him I don't want to speak to him on the phone because I'm not arguing.

OP posts:
BetterPlease · 14/10/2023 18:13

It is reasonable to expect him to be present at arrangements he himself has made with his own family.

Make a pact that he should pay some sort of hefty compensation each time he does this, such that you are happy and it’s enough to make him think twice…

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 18:07

‘Great news, Johnnys parents. We’re all going to the rugby club for dinner. Johnny’s treat.’

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:02

So now he knows how you feel he is coming home? He can watch the rugby on the tv.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:58

How frequent is this OP?

Original poster
Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 17:57

Thanks everyone.
@BetterPlease I genuinely have no problem with him having fun, he is free to go out whenever he wants - always a bonus if he has figured out how hes going to get hime before he starts drinking. I object when we have plans and he ditches us, or says he will be home for the evening with his family and then isn't.

He does have a few cans at home on a Friday / Saturday night. I agree he does have issues with alcohol and he has cut down a lot at my request.
I dont know what to do moving forward. I love him to bits and I couldn't afford to carry on living here without him. When he isn't out on the piss our relationship is great. He works hard, does his share with the kids/house/cooking etc. But why does he have to be such a fucking let down every time!!?!

I'd love some down time but I'm doing a masters module at the moment so any time he's not working and able to look after the kids I've got coursework to do. Just wanted to vent I guess and to see whether, as per his opinion, I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 14/10/2023 17:57

fair enough his parents are here tonight but the next time he does that, throw kids clothes on and get dolled up and go down to club and take kids in and embarrass him and tell him that you are going out tonight and he NEEDS to come home with you. drop them off then get a taxi to the nearest hotel and check in to a room with a bottle of wine and a book if your friends cant go out at short notice!!!!

Pinkshoppingbag · 14/10/2023 17:52

Why didn't you say 'no, you need to come home?'

Crooklodge · 14/10/2023 17:50

When is he looking after them? He's worked away this week and now out on his jollies.
I
@Frazzledandfried my husband is a useless pisshead too, thankfully he doesn't drink very often now (due to ill health) but I would tell him to stay elsewhere, I don't need him coming home being a twat. I'd happily have a night in with fil than our up with his shit.

Dedsec2023 · 14/10/2023 17:49

It appears that your partner often prioritizes socializing and drinking with his friends over his commitments to you and your family.

Question to ask youself, do you see a future in the relationship ?

gingercat02 · 14/10/2023 17:49

Will his parents not give him what for if he can't be arsed to come home to see them and his wife and children! I would if he was my son. Dick!

dancingdaisies · 14/10/2023 17:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Khvdrt · 14/10/2023 17:40

I’m sorry to be harsh but he’s not going to change so you have to decide if you can put up with it or leave. Maybe if you tell him you are leaving he may decide to change but he has to believe you’re serious and you have to be prepared to follow through.

Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 17:39

You might not be ready to see it but your husband is a alcoholic.

BetterPlease · 14/10/2023 17:39

Let him have some fun, marriage isn’t a prison.

Take some time for yourself to enjoy yourself while he looks after the kids, too.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/10/2023 17:37

What an asshole!! Sorry OP, but I wouldn't be putting up with this, and would quickly tell him that if he continues to act like a single man, he'll soon find he is one! I'm just glad you like your IL's, but he's also showing a lack of respect for them by making arrangements and then dumping them because he prefers his mates and his beer. As a matter of interest, does he drink much at home OP?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:35

His parents are coming over

Too late for you to suggest a glass of wine with local friends whilst they babysit? Then home for takeaway with them when the children are in bed?

kopitiamgal · 14/10/2023 17:32

YANBU!
Why 'ask' if you minded anyway? He clearly doesn't give a fig.

Pumpkintopf · 14/10/2023 17:30

No, it's not appropriate for a husband and father who's made plans with his parents, to choose to stop out to watch the telly at the rugby club instead. He needs to grow up.

Did you say no, op? I know you shouldn't have to - by 'asking your permission' (but not really) he is casting you as an the 'adult' in this scenario and the 'baddie' who has to say no.

This isn't fair on you either. He should, as a grown man, have a sense of what is right and wrong and acceptable behaviour.

Evaka · 14/10/2023 17:24

Utter pig. Jfc!

Crunchymum · 14/10/2023 17:23

What happened when you said yes you did mind if he stayed for the rugby?

Does he ever manage to go out and stick to the agreed times / parameters?

You made a rod for your own back by tolerating this shit to begin with (picking his drunken arse up at 3/4am??? I mean why????)

He doesn't seem willing or able to change so the big question is are you willing to put up with this behaviour going forwards?