DH always making plans

Overall he sounds like a right pain in the arse, and these plans would drive anyone mad.

However, someone saying “let’s see how the calendar fills up” would annoy me - Id want a yes or no. Or accept the first thing that comes along, and decline later invites.

Do you have a joint calendar? Can you block out time to be at home all together?

I have this. All the time. OP you have my sympathy. My DP (also great inn every other way and pulls his weight at home) insists on making these plans, acts like he's single as the assumption is always that I am here anyway so it makes no difference. Reality is as f/t carer to a disabled child I am in a permanent state of zombieness, sleep deprived and forever playing catch up around chores, general life stuff. I have tried literally everything, but again tonight he's out due home hours ago and still "watching rugby". Nauseating.

What was the point of him having a family if he continues to lead a single life?

Oh he's one of those special people who thinks having a child should have no effect on your social life and hobbies. My husband never agrees social events for us both unless he checks with me, and he appreciates that I should get as much free time as he does. You need to start making your own plans so understands you're not always the default parent and he can't do whatever he likes whenever he wants. We are happy in every way is a very odd thing to say given the examples you've given. He sounds completely selfish.

Look around for a regular baby-sitter. Someone that your DC can hopefully get to know over several years (with a bit of luck).
With no family around, you need to start building a relationship with a babysitter that you can trust.

I just want a night off, I want to go drink wine with my friends without worrying about DD waking. I want a family day in to do some crafts or snuggle up and watch a film. … I’d actually quite like a night in with DH for a change.

Have you told him this? Rather than focus on whether you do or don’t want to go to a particular event, or if it’s reasonable for him to make plans on his pick up days (which it isn’t btw). Talk to him about YOUR needs and what YOU want to do.

It sounds to me like he’s a real extrovert party person who thinks being out and about all the time is fun. While you are a bit more of a homebody. Right now his preference is dominating your plans as a family. You need to find a better balance as a couple where you get what you want too. That will mean him making some compromises. And the only way to get to that is to talk about it properly.

He's YABU to expect YOU to find childcare! If he's planning, he's planning the whole lot.

He's also BU to make plan where YOU are the childcare.

He's not BU not to want to spend the weekend at home doing nothing, I can't think of anything worst, but you can talk to him? Tell him YOU want a weekend off, and not to plan anything for you.

You need to sit down with him and say/show exactly what you said here.
You are struggling with the constant decisions he is making and your child is suffering as her routine is constantly being interrupted.
He needs to be told any days/nights out should be discussed and that you will not be turning up at an event just because “he” said you’d be there.
Also him making plans to do something on Friday that changes your schedule needs more notice than he seems to be giving you, he is a father/husband and not a single man
Unless you talk to him nothing will change and you will become resentful and unfortunately the first comment may prove to be true as he’s making decisions for you without any input from you.

You need to have a proper chat about this. Sharing calendars is a good idea. Also making a 'rota' of sorts to ensure you both have equal amounts of time to see friends/do hobbies each week/month. Maybe agree to 2 weekends a month as family time, the other 2 can be split equally between both of you to do your own thing.

Tbh, if hubby wasn't open to compromise/changes, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Sounds like you need to actually make plans and tell him you’re out on so and so date?! You’re letting him make the plans…

It's not the plan. It's the acting like a single dude and having zero understanding of the impact being a parent has on you, his wife doing the brunt of it...

Sounds like he’s still got his child free head on. Have an open chat about being a family and having some down time at least a couple of weekends a month.

He's acting like he's still single. Has he no concept that your 2 year old needs a routine and will be grumpy if she doesn't get her naps/sleeps and that he can't just tell you what's happening? Where is the compromise/family/down time?

He's incredibly selfish.
He's taking no account of yours or DD's needs. No wonder she's not sleeping well when she's taken out to be with unfamiliar people when she most needs routine and security and you need time to relax and spend time as a family
You do need to tell him this as bluntly as possible otherwise nothing will change and you'll resent him
Your wishes count too

Can't you just say one weekend a month- for example- no plans at all. Or compromise.
I like the idea of having a joint diary and blocking weekends out.
I am tired just reading what you are up to. I used to be a bit like this when my children were younger, they honestly did too much.
I regret it now. Having some down time would have been preferable for all!

This isn't ok- he needs to respect your child's routine and your own needs.

If this was my husband, I would be asking him why he was so keen on avoiding me and our child.

You sound very passive, to be honest.

And he sounds like he's doing everything he can to avoid being a parent. And a husband.

Sorry.

Absolutely agree with calendar suggestion - get a huge physical wall calendar and block off certain days / weekends / evenings with Family Time / Date Night / Movie night in etc, refer to it with him every day so it's always in his face and get used to saying No.

Stop letting him dictate what happens. He's being very selfish. How much time does he spend parenting alone when you're out with your friends? Not much I imagine. He sees you as the default parent. This won't change unless you address it now, you will just become resentful and once that happens it will be very hard to salvage your relationship.

No one makes plans for me except me, I wouldn't stand for that alone tbh.

I can understand him wanting to do all these things but they need to be spaced out and or equal consideration to things you want to do.

Get a joint google calendar and start to block off your time. Fair enough plans that have been made months in advance but then you can see them and organise the rest of your week accordingly then everyone knows what’s happening and no nasty surprises

I would love that! I have the opposite problem!!! Go nowhere, do nothing, unless I initiate it, would be nice to be whisked away somewhere for the day that I haven’t had to plan.

maybe we could rotate husbands monthly?? Hehe.

You will just have to grasp the nettle and say it to him.

Get a calendar for a very prominent place in your kitchen and block off weekends with ‘no appointments, family weekend’ so he can visually see it.

He is incredibly inconsiderate and selfish.

You need to agree some ground rules that are fair to you both.