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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m missing something?

33 replies

Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:10

Work full time (teacher, so lots of work out of normal work times), husband full time too (non-teacher but lots of travelling involved). Toddler in childcare- always the first one dropped off and last to be picked up, mum guilt off the scales.

House is always a mess and I never seem to have time to give it a proper clean top to bottom. Full of stuff and just seemingly nowhere to put it! Money extremely tight (thanks mortgage increase!) so no budget for a cleaner/window cleaner etc.

We do both have longish commutes to work (there and back mine is about 1 hr 15, DP’s around 1hr 45) which do eat into our day a little.

People around me make it seem so effortless to excel at work, keep on top of the housework, spend quality time with DC and also manage to have a social life.

Would love to have a 2nd child soon but struggle to see how we can manage to juggle everything (as well as financially which is a whole separate issue).

AIBU to think I’m missing a trick? Anyone have any top tips for keeping afloat when you feel like there’s just not enough hours in the day?

OP posts:
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Catza · 14/10/2023 15:16

The trick to keeping on top of it is to get rid of everything you don’t like, use or need. We moved house 3 times in two years and got rid of 90% of our possessions. A complete house clean of 3 bedrooms takes 30 minutes. I give a kitchen a wipe every morning while the kettle is boiling.
Kid is putting away her own things, including laundry and she does washing up every Saturday which is something she has done since she was about 10.

HugoDarracott · 14/10/2023 12:27

Parenting will get easier unless you have another!! I have much older kids and it's so nice to be able to tell them to sort washing / dishwasher / dinner etc.

But primary year 6 really is hard. So much pressure and longer hours than secondary in my experience. Go easy on yourself.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 11:45

HugoDarracott · 14/10/2023 11:34

I do think you're in the hardest and most expensive part of parenting. Are you primary or secondary? If secondary what subject? These all make a difference.

My house is tidy but I know it's because I am the sort of person who has a place for everything. Tricky when you have young children because they come with a lot of stuff. I'm also someone who puts stuff back where it came from as soon as I finish using it. Not everyone does this. I'm not sure if it's possible to become someone who does it either. If the house is stressful you do need to do something but if you're just comparing your house to others and feeling it's not good enough stop worrying about it. The key thing is if your child has all the essentials and time with you and your husband. They don't care about the house unless it's something off a hoarding programme. Focus on having a happy home rather than a tidy one.

Primary, Year 6.
Good advice, I don’t necessarily compare my house to others, more just feel that I want a nice house to show for all my hard work over the years! I also do get stressed at times with the piles of laundry, floors that need a good vac, toys to tidy away etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 11:42

RachelSTG · 14/10/2023 11:15

Get really organised in the holidays. De clutter and simplify your life. Batch cook at weekends and clean as you go. How messy can a house get if all three out of the house all day? Surely it's just dinner and bath and bed when you get home?

This is what I aim to do, each holidays, but between catching up on work and looking after toddler, I seem to never get time!

We go through phases with batch cooking- I find it much easier in winter as typical batch cook recipes are what I would class as winter dishes. We will probably dig slow cooker out and use it more as the weather gets colder!

I think the clutter just builds with children over time, and I’m hanging onto things he’s grown out of for when (at this point it’s an if!) we have another child, So we don’t have to buy everything all over again! I didn’t add that due to being in a new build we can’t use the loft as it’s not boarded out/no ladder etc and to do so voids our warranty. So every nook and cranny is full to the brim!!

OP posts:
HugoDarracott · 14/10/2023 11:34

I do think you're in the hardest and most expensive part of parenting. Are you primary or secondary? If secondary what subject? These all make a difference.

My house is tidy but I know it's because I am the sort of person who has a place for everything. Tricky when you have young children because they come with a lot of stuff. I'm also someone who puts stuff back where it came from as soon as I finish using it. Not everyone does this. I'm not sure if it's possible to become someone who does it either. If the house is stressful you do need to do something but if you're just comparing your house to others and feeling it's not good enough stop worrying about it. The key thing is if your child has all the essentials and time with you and your husband. They don't care about the house unless it's something off a hoarding programme. Focus on having a happy home rather than a tidy one.

RachelSTG · 14/10/2023 11:15

Get really organised in the holidays. De clutter and simplify your life. Batch cook at weekends and clean as you go. How messy can a house get if all three out of the house all day? Surely it's just dinner and bath and bed when you get home?

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2023 11:13

The issue is the term time childcare and spending the holidays visiting. Ride it out but once you get free hours, toddler goes in on days off. Visiting is a few days less and get ruthless with possessions. If it's you running the house because your DH works away, then when he's home he takes child and you crack on. These early years are tough.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 11:09

Dramatic · 14/10/2023 11:03

Do you mean 1 hour 15 in total? So about 35/40 minutes each way? If so then I wouldn't really bother looking for something closer because that's not an overly long commute.

I don't know the answer really, I think people who were comfortable before are just not managing now because of mortgage increases/ cost of living. And unfortunately there just isn't much anyone can do about it.

Yes, that’s what I mean! I know it’s not a really long, but longer than a lot of people I know!

Yes, cost of living has a lot to answer for doesn’t it…

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 11:07

00100001 · 14/10/2023 11:04

So have them visit you.

Get them to help

Show quote history

They have jobs too, and can’t always get the time off? It’s also easier for me to go there instead of my entire family traipsing here 👍🏻

OP posts:
00100001 · 14/10/2023 11:04

Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:36

I do try to clear things out regularly, but because I live a few hours away from my family I tend to spend a lot of my holidays visiting them as I don’t get to see them much during term time. I also find it impossible to get on top of housework when I am here in the holidays because of my toddler- it’s the only quality time I really get with him.

Show quote history

So have them visit you.

Get them to help

Dramatic · 14/10/2023 11:03

Do you mean 1 hour 15 in total? So about 35/40 minutes each way? If so then I wouldn't really bother looking for something closer because that's not an overly long commute.

I don't know the answer really, I think people who were comfortable before are just not managing now because of mortgage increases/ cost of living. And unfortunately there just isn't much anyone can do about it.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:59

LetsGoDoDoDo · 14/10/2023 10:55

Can you afford for either of you to drop one day a week at work so that you save on a day of childcare costs, spend an extra day with DC and have time to clean when they nap/watch CBeebies? I appreciate this might not be possible or desirable (and that's okay).

These early years are tough, it will get easier.

I did actually try this when I first went back to work with little one, I was 3 days a week. I had a much better balance of housework/work/quality family time but we couldn’t afford to keep this up, hence going back to full time work. My dream is to be able to drop back down to 3 days as it was much, much more manageable!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:57

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 14/10/2023 10:49

OP you have just described my life! Pretty much word for word, except I have 2 DCs. As other people have mentioned, most of my colleagues have cleaners that come in to help them get on top of the house, but this also makes me question what we’re doing wrong. Our joint income isn’t massive but I think it must be about average (about 4.8k a month after taxes, childcare costs minimal as both DCs are school aged), yet we never seem to have much left after bills, DCs’ activities, putting aside for a rainy day, etc. All of my colleagues seem to have nice houses in nicer parts of the city (we live in the slums), busy social lives, lots of abroad holidays and cleaners! What are we missing here?

We are in the thick of it with childcare costs at the minute as DS is only 2. I am dreaming of those 30 free hours! Saving grace is the term-time only contract which makes it much cheaper. No funds for a rainy day at all, manage to do a few bits through the year socially but those will have to go soon as mortgage increases. I am the main earner, so our take home is less. The only thing I can think is that colleagues partners are earning much more than their teacher partners!

OP posts:
LetsGoDoDoDo · 14/10/2023 10:55

Can you afford for either of you to drop one day a week at work so that you save on a day of childcare costs, spend an extra day with DC and have time to clean when they nap/watch CBeebies? I appreciate this might not be possible or desirable (and that's okay).

These early years are tough, it will get easier.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 14/10/2023 10:49

OP you have just described my life! Pretty much word for word, except I have 2 DCs. As other people have mentioned, most of my colleagues have cleaners that come in to help them get on top of the house, but this also makes me question what we’re doing wrong. Our joint income isn’t massive but I think it must be about average (about 4.8k a month after taxes, childcare costs minimal as both DCs are school aged), yet we never seem to have much left after bills, DCs’ activities, putting aside for a rainy day, etc. All of my colleagues seem to have nice houses in nicer parts of the city (we live in the slums), busy social lives, lots of abroad holidays and cleaners! What are we missing here?

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:46

LividGas · 14/10/2023 10:39

I’m a newly single mum on 0.8 with a newly massive solo mortgage.

I am paying for a cleaner (only monthly currently but in all honesty it’ll be one of the first things I increase when I get more stable).

My commute is one hour each way and I’m chasing my arse backwards.

I AM NOT DUSTING AT THE WEEKEND. FUCK THAT. GET A CLEANER.

There will be something you can cut to afford it.

Trust me when I say, there is no money for a cleaner! The next thing we will have to cut if prices keep increasing is food/heating, which is pretty scary when heading into winter.

OP posts:
BandicootCrash · 14/10/2023 10:43

I'm a full time teacher, and my house is an absolute tip. I could just about afford 2hrs cleaning a week, but at this point I genuinely don't think that would make a noticeable difference! Anyway, cleaning is easy- it's sorting through the crap to get to the stage where you can actually clean that's the problem.

The worst thing to do is waste even more time and energy feeling guilty about it, though. I try to spend about 2 hours on a Saturday morning being productive while my little ones go into a cbeebies coma, but tbh I don't much done other than a couple of loads of laundry and a bit of a tidy/hoover. And then I stop, and get on with enjoying my weekend, even though the house isn't clean 🤷‍♀️

LividGas · 14/10/2023 10:39

I’m a newly single mum on 0.8 with a newly massive solo mortgage.

I am paying for a cleaner (only monthly currently but in all honesty it’ll be one of the first things I increase when I get more stable).

My commute is one hour each way and I’m chasing my arse backwards.

I AM NOT DUSTING AT THE WEEKEND. FUCK THAT. GET A CLEANER.

There will be something you can cut to afford it.

cartagenagina · 14/10/2023 10:39

I deliver training for a charity. So some days I am out and about delivering face to face or attending meetings.

Other times I am at home writing materials or delivering online training or online meetings.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:36

00100001 · 14/10/2023 10:34

Spend the holidays having a MASSIVE ruthless clear out.

I do try to clear things out regularly, but because I live a few hours away from my family I tend to spend a lot of my holidays visiting them as I don’t get to see them much during term time. I also find it impossible to get on top of housework when I am here in the holidays because of my toddler- it’s the only quality time I really get with him.

OP posts:
00100001 · 14/10/2023 10:34

Spend the holidays having a MASSIVE ruthless clear out.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:33

cartagenagina · 14/10/2023 10:31

I would move closer to work. Or do what I did and quit teaching.

I now have a normal 8-4 job with loads of wfh days. It’s bliss compared to my 60 hour teaching weeks.

If you don’t mind, can I ask what it is that you do? That sounds like the dream!

Moving closer isn’t an option- we don’t have the finances to do so!

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 14/10/2023 10:31

I would move closer to work. Or do what I did and quit teaching.

I now have a normal 8-4 job with loads of wfh days. It’s bliss compared to my 60 hour teaching weeks.

Bluevelvetsofa · 14/10/2023 10:31

Most full time teachers I know didn’t have cleaners or gardeners. I had a cleaner once a fortnight for two hours for a couple of years when I was on SLT. Never had a gardener, only a window cleaner every few weeks.

I think the commute is the killer OP.

Original poster
Mamma23 · 14/10/2023 10:30

qandko · 14/10/2023 10:15

Not in my experience they don't. OP I'm a teacher on 0.6 and hardly keeping my head above water with small kids and a husband who works full time.

Show quote history

I don’t know of anyone with gardeners and cleaners. Dog walkers yes, because of the lack of flexibility to pop home and see to them!

OP posts: