Am I financially controlling?

He's not your son and you aren't his mum
He knows you will always bail him out of the issues he has caused. His mum probably did the same with him

You’re resentful and angry. He’s ashamed and scared. Before you get into the financial practicalities, if you want to try keeping your marriage together then you need some honest communication and to work through those emotions. Some counselling would help.

the financial situation sounds complicated by his business. If that really isn’t profitable and is in fact making a loss then that needs facing up to. Your family finances are propping up that business. That has to be a joint decision, not his alone.

Financially you could certainly make a go of him not working given your salary. If his business isn’t profitable that’s essentially what you have now anyway - you are the sole source of income. But the two of you need to work out what the quid pro quo is there. If he’s bad at admin, expecting him to take that on is unlikely to work. But can he contribute in other ways?

And you also need to be comfortable that your income is now joint household income - it’s all one pot, bills come out if that, and then you both get saving and spending money from what’s left. Are you happy splitting that equally? Or do you expect to have more money for luxuries to spend on yourself than he does?

No you are not financially abusing him, you’re bending over backwards to keep the family finances on an even keel!

How did you find out what the frond said? Did he offer this information to you? I bet he did and it was done so you feel bad and give him more money!

If genders were switched, everyone here would be saying the man should pay everything proportionally... so if he earned 450k and the woman 50k, the split should be 9:1.

If they were being FAIR, they'd say you OP should be paying the same... OR they'd say all money should go into a joint pot.

The bit that people are getting worked up over is the 150k debt. It shoes he can't be trusted with large sums of money. I guess the question is, if you bailed him out and he kept getting back in debt, are you willing to keep bailing him out... or will you draw a line somewhere and bail yourself out.

Why is he scared of you?

You love him it's worth giving counselling a try. If his business is causing debt then he needs to fold it and get a job, even part time but then he needs to be responsible for housework if your carrying mental load

I can’t follow how you’re financially abusing him. Is it him that says this? I wonder if they even say it all. Stop pulling him out of financial holes; you are essentially bank rolling a hobby for him and I cannot see how that’s fair.

If you are earning half a mill(mid six figures) and giving him a grand, from outside it looks mean. My oh earns 90k for example and gives me £1500 but I assume your oh is not telling his friend even half the truth of the situation.

Your DC won’t be ‘broken’ by a divorce.

They’ll be relieved he’s not bleeding the family dry when they’ve got uni
and housing bills to pay.

Give them money now as a regular habit - reduces how much you have to pay DH to leave.

No you are not financially abusing him. 100 percent guarantee that his friends don't know about the 150k debt he rang up

Go and see a good lawyer and work out what it will really cost to divorce him. In the meantime perhaps just aim for separation.

I’m going to come from the other side.

my elderly next door neighbour was apparently “bad with money” according to her husband. Gambling and buying crap, didn’t know how to budget. He gave her loads of money, she didn’t work etc. he had to take her bank cards away in the end to stop her getting into more debt.

spoke to her daughter after the husband died. She’s been through his accounts, and he had been financially abusing her for years. She had a pension of about 1k, and had been spending it on nothing more than petrol, food shopping, kids, and family stuff. No luxuries at all. She’d got into debt and was racking up interest which was further cutting in to her money and getting in deeper as they payments got less and less manageable.

all the while he sat on a salary of 70k a year. Didn’t help her out as she needed to “learn”.

His friend thinks I am financially abusing him

Oh really. I bet he hasn't told his friend all about that £150k hidden debt he built up. He tried to hide it and he lied to you, so he's hardly likely to have told his friend the whole truth either. It's pretty unlikely his friend knows about how his business is making a loss either, and that you are perpetually bailing him out.

So I wouldn't pay all that much attention to what the friend has said about you being financially controlling.

I'm a bit confused about what is happening really. It sounded like he was frittering money away initially but then seems to not be able to earn through his business and racks up debt trying to make this work? What is it you both want to achieve as its not really working at the moment. The responsibility all lies with you while he makes a mess of what he is doing. Can he take on the family and house admin and do a lifestyle business on the side? Is it a communication issue really?

Do you think plenty of women who are supported financially by their husbands are also running up massive debts, lying and failing to pull thei weight in the household? I doubt it because it’s completely unacceptable.

Your DC who are almost adults will not be broken or devastated by a break up. When they are a bit older, if and when they know all of this they will blame you for staying.

Please keep detailed records of everything you have done and paid for and consult the best lawyer you can possibly afford. The marriage is dead in the water and I’m guessing you are clinging to the idea of a love you once had rather than the real thing.

Good luck with this. You’ll get a lot of practical advice from the relationship board if you get this moved. Don’t let him get wind of any planning.

My (d)H says he lies because he is ashamed and scared of me.

And he’s ashamed because he knows his behaviour is out of order (which is on him, not on you).

Has he articulated why he is scared of you? Do you hit him? Throw things around the house? Do you viciously berate him? Or is your reaction to be upset (understandably) but still basically civil? If the latter, he is just pretending to be genuinely scared in order to justify his lies and avoid a difficult discussion with another adult where he knows he’s in the wrong.

Why on earth does he have this so say business that costs more than it brings in? Doesn’t make sense and you need to stop subbing it. Obviously you need to also stop giving him pocket money. Sit down and thrash out a financial plan, I’d say to become any kind of contributor he’d be best to close or sell off the business and take a job that pays a regular wage. Maybe he’d have less spare time to slag you off to his mates in. For someone who sounds quite astute this is such a strange position to end up in, working your guts out for money he then pisses away. Ridiculous and no wonder you feel resentful.

Just get rid of him while you're still young and can build up your finances again

I couldn't bear bailing out my supposed life partner as if he's a child who didn't understand money

He will drag you down. 150k will seem like small change 20 years from now if you carry on with him

Fuck me op, what's he spent £150k on?

Actually, it does matter - if he's spent it on family stuff (and not just throwing good money after bad in his business) then it could be perceived that you are indeed 'keeping him short' and the fact he's got to come to you for his 'allowance' each month is a shit feeling.

If, however, he's spunking money left right and centre, propping up a failing business that isn't turning over enough to keep afloat, he's not looking for a real job that will help to pay the bills etc, then no, you're not being abusive he's freeloading and you should get a divorce.

He's dragging you down. Think of what that £150k could have paid for for the dc's future.

Should you divorce he will absolutely be expected to find work which pays sufficient to keep his spendy arse.

You're a mug.

Oh what a waster !
id get rid and fight to keep as much assets and income as you can for you and your almost adult kids !
you work hard and he sponges off you
urgh
Let him be financially free ! 😂

Your husband must be missing out details here for his friend to say that surely? Regarding gender roles. Most women who are at home and not contributing financially have most of the time supported their husband career by being the primary care giver. Husband has never had to worry about pick up/drop off or holidays. He is able to fully focus on his career as the wife runs the house. This benefits the entire family (of course benefit to mum could be debated). Your husband has accumulated a huge debt which you paid off. This benefited no one in the family.

This isn't about gender roles, SAHP or housewife/husband. It is about him costing an absolute fortune for his terrible irresponsibility regarding money and you (god knows why) bailing him out.

If my husband said he was afraid of me after all I had done for him I don't think I could come back from that. He has zero respect for you.

Financially abusing him by paying off £150k of his debts?
Yeah, right, poor dear.

If his business does not make a profit, and hasn't done for years, then it's an expensive hobby - why doesn't he wind it up and get a job?

"He is a popular bloke, great fun, great dad, does loads around the house.
His friend thinks I am financially abusing him, he doesn’t make much money and I ask too much of him to pay some bills. My (d)H says he lies because he is ashamed and scared of me."

He has really done a number on you OP. Not only does he not provide, but he sponges off you and lies to his mates who take it upon themselves to pull you for financially abusing him.
What on earth has he said to the friend is what I would want to know ? How dare he !
The man is a complete liar and has no shame