Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did this really happen?! Why didn't I react?

139 replies

NCforthis23 · 09/10/2023 23:05

So today I was out shopping with DD who is a toddler and was in her pram.

We went to a large department store and got in the lift, an elderly couple got in. The lady took an immediate shine to DD and was trying to make her laugh.

The man positioned himself behind me and started rubbing my bum! I shifted forward away from him but said nothing and got out at the next floor.

I'm wracking my brains wondering why I did nothing. I feel ridiculous, I'm always so confident but I literally did nothing 😓

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 10/10/2023 08:46

I had this happen in a fully lacked tube train and when I finally managed to move away my friend told me afterwards that he then did it to her. Scum who depend on yoj being too shocked to act.

marshmallowfinder · 10/10/2023 08:44

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

Same. I would've just moved away and glared at the fucker. Or probably wondered if he thought he was holding his shopping bag, or a bit unsteady on his feet as the lift was moving. It really may not have been a calculated act.

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/10/2023 08:40

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

Women were expected to put up and shut up. The ‘good old days!’.

It was never acceptable.

Hope you are okay op.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 08:36

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

Thats very different. Most of us did care - in 1990, 1980, 1970 and beyond. It is typical for women not to enjoy being sexually assaulted. It is also typical for us to freeze, as the OP did and then try and convince ourselves that "it wasn't that bad" because it's grim to feel both violated and powerless.
.

GrazingSheep · 10/10/2023 08:33

Is the op there ???

Naunet · 10/10/2023 08:32

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:28

I would think you’d look for any excuse to excuse a man from sexual abuse.

Show quote history

Indeed, and even if it was the case, so what? Does that make OP any less assaulted?

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:28

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 07:27

I would think that the man had dementia.

I would think you’d look for any excuse to excuse a man from sexual abuse.

Nonimai · 10/10/2023 08:25

I am really sorry this happened to you and you should report it. I will say one thing in that I know a lovely old gentleman who has become ‘free with his hands’ as a result of dementia. He really can’t be allowed to leave his house anymore although he goes to church and people are aware of the problem support him and his wife. This also happened to my grandfather. I’m sure this is a tiny minority of cases, and it certainly doesn’t justify any woman being groped, but your example did remind me of it.

ssd · 10/10/2023 08:25

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 07:27

I would think that the man had dementia.

That was my first thought.
Im sorry this happened to you op

Naunet · 10/10/2023 08:22

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

No, that’s just you, most women don’t see themselves as public property for any random to grab.

FiveShelties · 10/10/2023 08:18

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 00:03

Oh stop it. I'm not justifying it. Im Asking could it have been a mistake ! I once had an awkward moment where I thought I was stroking my cat but it was my friends leg

Course you did. I have many friends with furry cat's legs and am always stroking them thinking it is a cat. Happens all the time.

0hNoNotAgain · 10/10/2023 08:13

Please don't be too hard on yourself - you were in a very enclosed space and you had your baby with you - it's not surprising you froze, you just wanted to get out of there asap without anything kicking off that could upset/harm your child.

It doesn't matter when the man has dementia/alzheimers/whatever - his behaviour was unacceptable.

DriftingDora · 10/10/2023 08:13

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 00:03

Oh stop it. I'm not justifying it. Im Asking could it have been a mistake ! I once had an awkward moment where I thought I was stroking my cat but it was my friends leg

Perhaps you need some help? Specsavers?

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:12

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

What fresh hell is this. Now women are fault for caring about sexual abuse.

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:11

Sorry that happened to you, you weren’t at fault for being caught by surprise.

You could ask the police to investigate, give the pervy old codger a scare.

Snoken · 10/10/2023 08:10

R37sraY · 09/10/2023 23:44

When it happened to me I didn’t care. Maybe we were different on 1990.

I think the fact that you still remember it 30 years later means you did indeed care.

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 08:10

Handcreamqueen · 10/10/2023 08:02

Whilst I agree it’s absolutely shocking I also wonder if the man has dementia?
My lovely mum has Alzheimer’s and is starting to show some very very out of character behaviours, things she would never have dreamed of doing when well.

Exactly my point. I was badly sexually assaulted by an elderly man with dementia in full public view on a hospital ward. He died a few hours later so there was nothing I could do about it.

mondaytosunday · 10/10/2023 08:09

Confusion, embarrassment, feeling vulnerable...
I was touched up when I was about 22 on a jam packed tube. I literally could not move away from this guy. I just got off at the next stop and though I still remember it clearly just accepted it was one of those things that happens. I think now at 60 I'd be much more confident to say something but much less likely to happen I guess. I'd scream bloody murder if I witnessed someone doing it to my 18 year old daughter!
I also didn't say or do anything when I felt someone trying to open my handbag - I could feel the vibration of someone opening the zip. Back then I just pulled the bag in front of me - now I'd call them out.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/10/2023 08:08

I'm so sorry you went through this OP💐
For the person saying they didn't care in the 90s: I was 14 in the 80s, I was pushed up against a wall and groped by 2 boys in their late teens. Then they laughed at me for looking scared. Months later I got up the courage to tell a teacher. She just laughed at me and asked me if the boys were in my imagination. I certainly cared about what happened and it shouldn't ever be minimised.

Handcreamqueen · 10/10/2023 08:02

Whilst I agree it’s absolutely shocking I also wonder if the man has dementia?
My lovely mum has Alzheimer’s and is starting to show some very very out of character behaviours, things she would never have dreamed of doing when well.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 07:57

Issummernearlyover · 10/10/2023 07:27

I would think that the man had dementia.

Nah, he picked his moment too well.

Guys who grope woman don’t stop being guys who grope women just because they get older.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 07:55

Shock, confusion and the fact his wife was being nice to your baby- makes it harder for you to embarrass him by calling him out. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/10/2023 07:53

I froze when it happened to me, I was 19.
A man behind me at a bus stop shoved his hand up my skirt and between my legs. I was so shocked I couldn’t take in what had happened. I was shaken by it and didn't get on the same bus as him. I waited for the next one. I should have confronted him but just wanted to get away from him.

Vocaladvocaat · 10/10/2023 07:39

Freeze reaction to protect you from danger. I used to have this then took up martial arts. After practicing the same moves for 8 years the attack reaction is now stronger.

ilovesushi · 10/10/2023 07:37

That's awful! You had a completely normal human reaction to a threatening situation. Please don't beat yourself up about it. What a horrible horrible man.