Childless comment

My sis and BIL only allow gifts for kids if they all get one.

Although unknown gifts trigger panic....... and I don't want to provoke

But now I need to buy a new gift and I'm scared to

I've highlighted some of your comments here. Your sister and brother in law seem quite particular about what is bought as gifts for their children.

It isn't a normal response to be "scared" of buying a gift - that comment seems a bit of an overreaction to me (I mean that kindly btw).

It also seems strange to me that unknown gifts "trigger panic" (in your sister?) - whatever does that even mean?

Have things always been as tense between you and your sister?

I assume you are perhaps on a strict budget given the price of the dress. You can hardly give a voucher for that amount (£1 plus postage) so given you have five children to buy for in that family alone perhaps it's better for you to tell your sister you'll stop buying gifts this year as it is becoming quite difficult and their demands are hard to accommodate.

Out of curiosity - do they buy you anything for Christmas, birthday etc?

Don't maintain a relationship with someone who you don't like and who you are convinced doesn't like you to get access to their children.

The fact you have to get the ok for what clothes you gift your niece & nephews is very odd to me.
your comment of she doesn’t like surprise gifts is a red flag of a controlling ungrateful character.
what she said to you was another example of her unpleasant behaviour. I’m sorry she feels she can control the narrative in this way x

In that case she obviously said it without thinking. Personally I think you'll feel worse for having your dh send a text and prolonging the drama. If it's out of character then I'd leave it as a throwaway comment.

I was about to say the same. There is no excuse for what she said, no matter how stressed she might be.

I wouldn't be buying another dress - I would give your sister a clothing voucher and let her buy whatever she likes, and I wouldn't be contacting her until a heartfelt apology is forthcoming. And even then I would be looking at her with different eyes in future.

You ds is an ungrateful bitch.

She shouldn't have said that. But is it the sexist clothing choices she was annoyed by. Why can't a girl have paw patrol?

I don't like the dress at all, and I can understand if she was vicious about the dress because sometimes people think fashion is a free for all for critique, but the comment to you was disturbing if said in vicious/angry tone (as opposed to joking or sarcastic, which is thoughtless but not malicious).

It might be time to take a hard look at your previous interactions with your sister. Is she the sort of insecure, judgemental person who fixates on appearances and whose capacity for empathy has worn away? Your gift idea, whether because of its style, cost or brand, didn''t match your sister's expectations. She considered the gift beneath her, and she felt so insulted by it that she insulted you right back.

You would likely have laughed that off, except she felt entitled to wound you by suggesting that your fashion sense means you deserve to have suffered the greatest grief of your life. She decided her disappointment in your gift was an equivalent pain to your childlessness. It sounds as if she has lost the ability to see you as an equal and a sister, and only sees you as someone to gratify her needs.

If so, she is unlikely to change. All you can do is expect nothing from her, and either have some boundaries of your own (and accept that she may reject you if you stop putting her first) or go along with her self-centredness for the sake of your relationship with your niece and nephews. What you should not do is make excuses for her or internalise her sense that her feelings matter more than yours (she's busy, she didn't mean it, it was a joke, I should have chosen something she would like, I'm too sensitive etc.).

By seeing your sister for who she is, you may be able to have a more stable and realistic relationship with her, and perhaps also to free up some time and energy for yourself to develop new friendships which let you grow and enjoy life more fully. Your sister's callousness says nothing about you and everything about her. Lavish your love and care on people who are able to reciprocate.

I think it's a lovely dress and would have been delighted to receipt for DD.

Your sister is weird.

Misses point of thread

It was an outrageous comment. However. I don't like the dress much. Sorry! M&S kids stuff is generally gorgeous

Her reaction to the dress was unusual. If she doesn't like something she isn't normally that blunt.

I honestly feel like her reaction was because it was a second hand £1 Matalan dress as a Christmas present (not that there is anything wrong with that I am grateful for all gifts), because I don’t personally think the dress is nice but it is by no means revolting and definitely nothing for her to have an over the top reaction about?

Very sorry she was so awful OP.

I agree , it’s like a jealousy sort of comment.

I would agree that it is related to the fact she has a daughter. So sorry that was said to you, it was unforgivable and comes from a bad place as no-one can say that and not have meant it. I have an adult child but myself and my partner could not have any children so I can relate.

I have found as an Aunt to many Nieces it’s a lot of hard work, and that’s definitely not the children.

Over the years some comments from one particular mother of a niece have been beyond unbearable as well as using niece to hurt us. We agree to have niece for a long weekend get time off work and so on and then we are no longer allowed, has happened on numerous occasions. Or we arrange to drop a gift around at a set time mother takes niece out so we can’t see her have to leave gift on doorstep. Just a couple of examples.

I would not buy anything else at the moment.

And next Christmas buy all the kids a selection box to avoid any more vile comments.