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Original poster

To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

138 replies

purpledaze24 · 08/10/2023 20:07

I was born in 1985 and like many 80s/90s kids was smacked now and again by my mum. But it's not until becoming a mother myself and my daughter now approaching the age that I was when I remember a particularly traumatic smacking incident that I have become to feel angry and resentful about why my mother did this. Looking at my little girl, even in her "naughtiest" moments I can't ever imagine hitting her and it makes me struggle to get my head round how my mum could (for the most part - although a selfish person, a loving mother) have hit me like she did and for the reasons behind it.

The traumatic incident I feel resentful about (the rest of the time, while I obviously don't agree with smacking full stop, I'm totally over) it's just this one incident that really gets me. I remember it in a weird amount of detail. I was 4, I'd just started reception and looking back I probably had selective mutism. I was fine with other kids but was unable to speak to other adults other than my parents or very close relatives I saw regularly. I wasn't even able to ask my teacher to go to the toilet so I ended up wetting myself a lot (which I was also shouted at or ignored for). I was terrified of school and extremely clingy with my mum and often pretended to have stomach aches so she'd keep me off. So this one particular day I was off school and she had to go to my old nursery for some reason. We drove there and I remember her saying you can either come inside or stay in the car but if you come inside you have to promise to answer your ex-nursery teacher's questions. Being a 4-year-old all I understood was that I'd get to see my little brother and old friends and play in the sandpit so of course I said I promise. As we were leaving I remember my old teacher saying "how's big school going?" and me hiding behind my mum's skirt being unable to make eye-contact with her or answer her question. It's just the way I was, I'm sure she was a very nice woman but I was terrified of all adults. So my mum's response was to put me back in the car and ignore me all the way home. I remember asking over and over on the way home, "are you ignoring me cos I'm ill or you're angry with me?" and she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated. I just don't understand how she could punish me so viciously for being shy (or possibly having a disorder, which she refused to consider and told my teacher to get lost when she suggested I see a child psychologist). I grew out of it eventually but have never let go of that feeling of resentment and as I said it's resurfaced now my DD is nearly 4. Consequently I never expect my DD to talk to anyone if she doesn't feel comfortable, not matter how rude it comes across. I believe it's a skill we learn at our own varying paces.

To give context, my mum was a pretty well-adjusted person, didn't use drugs, didn't use alcohol excessively, she was, at the time married to may dad, middle-class, fairly comfortable life and she herself had a good upbringing (although was also smacked). She was also very loving most if the time. I did casually mention this incident a few years ago and she laughed it off and said "I'd never have done that". So at the time I just left it. Should I try bringing this up with her again? (this is by far not the only example of her bad parenting but the rest happened much later - in my teen years) it may sound ridiculous and I don't have an explanation why, but to this day I still think about it regularly (since triggered by my own DD) and it's affecting our relationship (amongst other things). Should I try talking to her about it again or is it pointless? Or I am making a big deal about it? Was stuff like this fairly standard in the 80s?

OP posts:
50lessfat · 08/10/2023 20:29

We were caned, rulered, belted and had a big wooden board cleaner thrown at us in school!

The walloping our parents gave us were mild compared to this.

Not something I would be proud about if I was a parent or teacher.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/10/2023 20:28

My mother had a terrible temper (and suffered mental illness resulting in hospitalisation when I was in my teens) and hit me relatively often. The injustice of it has stayed with me all my life, so I really do sympathise.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 08/10/2023 20:28

I was born in the early 90s and my Dad used to smack me. He used to do it very hard and violently as if he was taking all his anger out on me. He would chase me up the stairs whilst I was crying and screaming, catch me and repeatedly smack me with such a violent look on his face. It doesn’t matter whether it was accepted or not, it’s traumatic. I had my first child 2 years ago and also became triggered around that time by a lot of the things my parents did to me growing up. I wouldn’t bother talking to my parents about any of their parenting as they’re of the opinion that they ‘did everything for me’ and gave me a perfect childhood and can’t accept any criticism. But their emotional abuse and smacking has affected me hugely throughout my life, so I understand you completely. I recently started therapy to talk about my childhood issues, maybe it would be helpful for you as well. And be proud that you’re a better mother than you had!

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/10/2023 20:26

It’s not surprising that your daughter teaching this age has triggered things for you. In saying that you’ve says she was a loving mum to you, so revisiting it with her isn’t likely to help because she can’t now change it and you’d always wonder if any apology that did come was genuine.

You may find therapy helpful to process your feelings about it, because your mum isn’t the right person to do that with.

Iam4eels · 08/10/2023 20:24

fattytum · 08/10/2023 20:19

for myself I am glad I was smacked as a child, and even at the time felt far superior to the few friends who's parents didn't smack.

"But it never did me any harm..."

Your comment is awful, I feel so sorry for you that you were clearly smacked to the point where it damaged your view of a healthy parental relationship.

valadon68 · 08/10/2023 20:22

Your mum should have given you a properly remorseful apology in which she recognised her culpability and your feelings about it. It would have cost her much less than it would cost you not to get it. I'm sorry you didn't get that because you do deserve it. If someone doesn't spontaneously give you that recognition, though, then you will probably just get even more frustrated and comfused trying to get it. The second-best outcome here is that you use the experience to inform your own parenting, which is what you're doing. You sound like you're doing a great job.

My mum smacked me occasionally, but in a different way (very controlled & calm, fully explained and when I'd knowingly done something actually bad!) and I don't resent her for it at all. If she'd done it as you describe, I'd feel differently.

Flapjacker48 · 08/10/2023 20:22

@fattytum superior? how? Confused

BurbageBrook · 08/10/2023 20:20

The ignoring you and the repeated smacking like that goes to the point of abuse, IMO, and is really awful. So I think you have childhood trauma really so no wonder it plays on your mind. I don't think that level of smacking was at all normal in the 80s/90s.

Sundaefraise · 08/10/2023 20:19

I'm not sure it matters whether it was normal. It was horrible and now your daughter is a similar age you are finding it triggering. If your mum is in denial I'm not sure if you will get anything out of her - would it be better if she acknowledged it and apologised? I might be wrong, but I feel like anyone who would be that furious with a four year old for being shy probably had other moments of being emotionally unsupportive - was she actually a great mum aside from this, or has having your own child made you reconsider this?

fattytum · 08/10/2023 20:19

for myself I am glad I was smacked as a child, and even at the time felt far superior to the few friends who's parents didn't smack.

fattytum · 08/10/2023 20:19

It isn't the smacking you are complaining about, it is the injustice, and that would have been the same whatever discipline was used

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2023 20:16

I am the same age as you. I used to get smacked by both of my parents. They are unrepentant to this day and tbh I don't resent them for it. It was all they knew and how'd they'd been parented themselves.

My sister and I are reasonably well adjusted adults and I know our parents loved us.

That being said, I can understand that being smacked may have felt like a huge injustice to you (and for the incident you described, I would 100% agree with you) I can only remember one time when I was "unjustly" smacked as a child, the other times i can just accept that was just their method of discipline and that I'd been acting out/rude etc.

I would only bring it up if you honestly think that having a real heart to heart with your mum would lead to some closure for you. So, if you say to her you are struggling with that incident to the point that you are thinking about it often etc and feel like you can't move past it, would she apologise, do you think?

If not, I think you are better off not mentioning it to her because you will only get more upset about it.

Flapjacker48 · 08/10/2023 20:12

Pointless bringing it up now I would say? What would you be looking for her to say or do?

As you say, your experiences of good and bad parenting by your Mum help shape the parent you are now.

I am a little older than you (born early 80s) and was smacked too. Was common. I remember being in agony after my Mum smacked me hard (and seemed to be for a long time!) after throwing a ball into my sisters face on purpose when she came through a door.

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