To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

I was born in the early 80s and on occasion, my mum smacked me when I was really pushing her buttons. It was very occasional and only when I was older and to be honest, I deserved it. I could see how upset I had made her and I always felt awful as she was a lovely mum. My dad never smacked me although he did clip my brothers ears on occasion when they were fighting to teach them a lesson.

I don't hold it against my mum, nor am I upset with her.

However - I don't think your story is normal at all. Quite abusive and shocking actually. I had tears in my eyes for you reading it.

I have a little boy now and I couldn't ever imagine smacking him at all. I am the adult and he's so small and vulnerable compared to me. I think our generation has learnt other ways in which to parent and discipline that don't involve violence (thank goodness).

You poor thing. I'd like to give you a hug!

This isn't a business matter.

You made that choice, and if you were as shy as I was you'd have known you'd never speak to the adult do should have stayed in the car.

OP was four years old! Completely unreasonable to expect a child of that age to have that degree of foresight and understanding of their condition.

Sorry but this is bad advice. OP’s mum clearly has her own perception and memory of events and it’s really unlikely that a letter like this is going to have the effect OP wants, and where does she go from there? It’s either the end of the relationship or the source of even more upset and resentment.

I was smacked as a child but I could be defiant and a little shit. I remember it well and the stinging made me regret my crappy behaviour.

It might not have been the kind thing to do but it was the done thing in the 80s and didn't do me any harm.

I guess your mum was probably fed up of you refusing to speak so hence she gave you the option of staying in the car and made it clear that if you came in you needed to talk. You made that choice, and if you were as shy as I was you'd have known you'd never speak to the adult do should have stayed in the car. I can see why your mum was exasperated by your behaviour so she took her anger out on you. I'm not condoning her actions but I can see why she did it.

I'd get the occasional smack when I was a child. I'll be totally honest and say it really hasn't had an effect on me personally. ALL of my friends got smacked (80s) so it just seemed normal at the time. It seems horrific now and I've never laid a hand on my children.
Hopefully you can find some resolution to this; I'm not sure if you will get an answer from your mum that will satisfy you unfortunately.

Having my own children highlighted how abusive my parents were to each other and to us kids. We were smacked, smacked with slippers and mum said dad wasn't allowed to smack us as he hit us so hard it would leave marks. Both my parents should have done better, I wish I had different parents. I don't like either of them as people.
I adore my children and could never imagine hurting them.

I could have written this post OP. I was born in the early 70's when it was commonplace so I'm a bit shocked this still happened in the 80's.

Yes it was wrong and I'm not surprised you're feeling resentful. I like to think our generations would never do that to children now.

I'm not sure if you would ever get closure by asking your Mum about it now and that is totally up to you and what you feel you need to do. I'm just glad that society has moved on since then.

What?!

Lots of children got the occasional smack in those times, but what you describe goes well beyond what was then 'normal' and sounds abusive. I'm not surprised you haven't forgotten it.

Also rather than bringing up the incident with your mum, I wonder if a better approach might be to bring up the mutism itself?
you could talk about how it felt as a child and just see where the conversation goes? You could even point out that it must’ve been difficult for your mum to know how to approach it given there was far less info at the time. This might be a less threatening conversation to have to begin with, but I’d still be careful going into it. As you’re feeling (understandably) upset about it at the moment it could be a really tough conversation and she might say some stuff that’s hurtful if she still hasn’t moved on in her understanding and knowledge of this stuff.
Above all just hang on to the fact that she’s a loving mum and yes she made mistakes. I think all loving parents are terrified of messing up with their kids and just trying to do their best.
she was in a culture where (1) smacking was normal (2) behaving “properly” in company was a must.

Same era, also smacked. I'm not sure it worked to shape my behaviour because I remember not knowing if the "bad thing" I'd done meant I'd get smacked or not. I certainly remember bracing for it and my mum 'lovingly' telling me she didn't smack for accidents. The fact I didn't know what punishment I was getting (through adult/parent eyes now) suggests the punishment was ineffective and more about her power than being 'in my best interests'.

Like you I realised when I had my own kids what a shitty thing it was to do. She found all elements of parenting very hard though, not really cut out for it, and isn't a warm grandma either.

I agree about telling a therapist OP. Probably better to tell someone who'll validate your feelings.

You're almost 40. It really is time to make peace with it and let it go.

As for her remembering or not, she may truly not remember it.
I remember my adult son apologizing to me for throwing one of my plant stands down the stairs breaking it when he was a teen.

You'd think I would remember that but I truly don't.

I accepted the apology and told him it was ok.

I have forgotten names of co workers from the past and even the building location of a few places.

I've recalled stories to my kids that they don't remember at all.

Our memories arent so great in reality.

That sounds like a traumatic memory. YANBU to be disturbed by it. Your mother behaved appallingly towards you and she should own it and apologise.

I was smacked as a child by my father and I feel some resentment towards him. I think he sometimes lost it and should have controlled his temper, I was a child ffs.

Now I’m a mother, I cannot imagine for one moment using my hand to strike my child’s beautiful soft skin. The brutality of me, a grown adult, using violence against my child is an abomination. The antithesis of what it means to be a mother.

I can see why it’s preying on your mind, it was quite traumatising for your mum to act like that and in a moment where you wanted her understanding not punishment. And wanted her to “get” you and she didn’t.
I agree with @Puffalicious that you are maybe looking at it through 2023 eyes. There was almost no understanding of difference, of selective mutism, of neurodivergence. There was also a lot of social shame regarding how people and children were expected to behave. Maybe your mum felt humiliated that your not-talking showed her up as a bad parent and that feeling made her feel really out of control herself? It sounds like she really thought you were choosing to be rude, if she has never had an issue with mutism herself and was never taught about it, maybe she just couldn’t grasp why you wouldn’t speak? And maybe it triggered a bunch of other thoughts as she sat in the car? Maybe she’s either pushed the memory away or painted it differently in her mind because she herself is horrified by the way she treated you? And that’s why she can’t/won’t talk about it.

I used to be hit - by both parents, but more often my dad, badly enough to leave bruising. For minor things, mostly being 'cheeky' (usually unintentionally). I did bring it up in later life, but all they really said was that everyone disciplined their children like that at the time (70s/80s).

My parents are old now and very feeble.

I sometimes fantasise about travelling back in time and saying when they were mid-beating: 'You realise that, in 40 years' time, the balance of our relationship will have changed completely? Your marbles will have rolled away and you'll be phoning me in a panic because you've forgotten how to switch the telly on. So be careful what you do to me now."

Two things that can help you:

• Talk to a therapist
• Read “The book you wish your parents had read…” by Philippa Perry (who is a therapist)

I’m sorry that happened to you as a child.

Both my parents died by the time i was 20 but ive reflected back and the belts whilst i had to lie on the bed with my pants down. The being forced to stand in the corner for hours next to a huge stick that would be used if i moved or spoke whilst he read in bed. The locking me out in the garden till i was allowed to return
The grabbing my pony tail and using it to bang my head against the wall. All awful and i always hated my dad and detatched from him 💯 from about age 9. I loved my mum more than anything and was broken when she died but i cant understand now having kids of my own she let it happen. I feel so worthless as a resultt. Im so conflicted she was the love of my life but she failed me.

and expect your daughter to write you identical letters when she is an adult! ridiculous. A letter like that could end your relationship forever.

I am not surprised you resent it. It was abuse.

I was never hit, but my mum was shouty and I only properly realised how awful that was when I became a mum. It brought up long hidden memories of being anxious around her and not wanting to set her off. I was determined to never be a shouter, and I’d never, ever physically admonish a child.

The good thing about parenting is you use your experience to be a better one.

I'd be inclined to write her a letter then give her at least a week to mull it over. I'd also be very clear in the purpose and outcomes you'd like, with timescales.

• Describe your memory of what happened (like you have above).
• Describe the impact (that you think of it often even now, esp as you have DD now)
• State (clearly and to the point, maybe bullet pointed sentences) the outcomes you want. ie (1) to acknowledge that the memory is upsetting for you (2) an apology and empathy, to help you move on
• State what will happen after that, ie you won't dwell in it. Or you'd like a ongoing conversation about it
• State a time line. Ie, I'll leave you to consider this and will come around on Sat at 6pm, I'd like to talk about this then.

Born in 1983, I was smacked occasionally. Not much, I was good 🤣. And never beaten, just a smack. Does not bother me now, probably did me the world of good

I would let it go and accept that your mother is an imperfect parent and an imperfect human being. You will strive to do better, although your children will probably judge you in due course.

It was indeed a different time. You do say she was also smacked, this together with a societal acceptance of such discipline & a lack of knowledge about selective mutism means it's not the same as us viewing it through 2023 eyes. I'm not condoning it, but if she was otherwise loving I do think you need to accept it as it was. She was clearly embarrassed as she thought your behaviour was a reflection of her & her parenting in the eyes of the nursery teacher (who you knew & trusted in her eyes, I imagine).

Speaking to her will just make you more upset, I think. Talking therapies may help.

Both my parents used to hit me I’ve never spoke. To my dad about it. My mum now makes light of it.

I found the Philippa Perry book very useful. I wouldn’t expect any closure from your mum. Might be worth a few sessions with a therapist if it’s really affecting you.