To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

I was smacked quite viciously by both parents. I admit I was a difficult child but I’m fairly sure I have undiagnosed adhd which got worse which I reached puberty. I can’t forgive them but I don’t bring it up because it won’t change anything.
Consequently I have never laid a hand on my own children. I try to tell myself that it was just a different time. They didn’t know how to help me!

You've expressed it far better than I. I remember my own (wonderful) mam being very concerned about what others thought, and we were warned not to 'Show her up'.

I had the slipper from Dad a few times, and the belt once. As@Flapjacker48said though, it doesn't matter because it was legal when it happened to me in the early 1990s.

Go back another 10-15 years and you had canings from your teacher!

My father smacking me, etc, as a child has resulted in me being a people pleaser, having anxiety and fight or fight mode/high alert mode always switched on... which has led to terrible relationship skills, and me always looking for clues that the other person secretly hates me. I couldn't trust the person who was supposed to love and protect me as a child, so I couldn't really trust anyone.

My relationship with my father whilst on the surface fine, always has this bubbling underneath. I can never fully relax with him even though now he's 70.

I should have therapy but i cba with men anyway.

Long term consequences for me. So I get it.

I can totally understand why you are traumatised by that experience...expecially your point that it was calculated rather than being angry in the moment and actually you didn't do anything naughty. I also have a 4 year old who's just started reception so it hit a nerve. Sad that she won't admit it and say sorry. Not really sure what advice I have... I think relationships with mothers can be tough especially when you have your own children.

People are setting the bar far too low in terms of what an adult (assuming there is no dementia) can remember about what they did when they were a younger adult. I’m willing to bet your mum absolutely does remember the incident OP, and is gaslighting you because she is as aware as anyone else of how awful it must have been for you, and also how taboo corporal punishment is now.

You’ve got two choices I guess - keep speaking the truth back at her, which could cause a breakdown in your relationship but might be better for your mental health in the long term, or nod and go ‘yep, Ok mum, that didn’t happen’ and let her stew with the fact that it definitely did. If her memory really is that bad then of course you’ve got no hope, but the fact that she says ‘that never happened’ rather than ‘yes, I did that but I was completely justified’ suggests to me that she knows damn well what she did and she’s actually quite ashamed.

My dad hit me on a few occasions - one of them very, very unfair (I said a swear word when I had no idea what it meant) and years later when he had died, my mum denied that either of them had ever hit me. I am absolutely sure she was lying in the hope that I would question my own childhood memory - another common trait of that generation ‘deny it/don’t mention it and it won’t be true’.

You’ll do better than that for your own daughter. And if she does come back at you in a few years to tell you something you did was upsetting to her, you’ll respond better to that too.

If she was otherwise a good mum, what do you hope to achieve? She either doesn't remember it, or recalls it differently to you, or is denying it.

It does sound very unpleasant but there's a bit of a thing right now for adults holding their parents accountable and blaming them for all sorts. One way or another, we have to try, as adults, to find a way to make peace with our childhoods. Holding on to this resentment for thirty odd years is not healthy. Unless something so awful happened that you no longer want a relationship with her, of course.

Smacking was commonplace, then. I was also born in 1985. I was smacked as a child - I don't begrudge my parents. Goodness knows worse things have happened.

So many people on here hate smacking, but teachers are saying there has been a serious decline in behaviour, and there seem to be record numbers of kids needing therapy. I am not saying this is because we don't smack anymore, but clearly something has gone awry in this generation of 'softly, softly' parenting too. I wonder what our kids will say about us.

I don't think you will get any kind of closure from talking to your mum, so you either need to speak to someone else e.g. a friend or a therapist, or try and put it behind you.

Hmm. A lot to unpack there.

OP after having my DD I also reflect on my childhood and it seems more painful now. Fuck these PPs who are saying they didn't know better. Doesn't matter. It was still unfair and cruel and its OK to still feel upset by it. I'd suggest therapy tbh, your mom doesn't sound like she's going to acknowledge it, just like mine.

Totally disagree. You can teach a child discipline without physically punishing them. It's brutal and teaches them that violence is the answer. Anyone who hits a child deserves to be hit in return by someone who is four times bigger than them.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can absolutely see why it weighs on your mind so much. Having our own children does make us re-examine our own childhood.

I wouldn't approach your mum yet. If you can, access a therapist to discuss this with first. They can help resolve it within yourself, and will have strategies for talking to your mum about it.

I was abused when I was younger. One of the feelings I remember was having anger taken out of me. That uncontrolled anger where the frustrations and fury going inside the parent are relieved by violence on their child. This stuff is highly damaging.
I think you have every right to bring it up with your mum. Saying that you remember it and it’s causing you issues now. I wouldn’t expect an apology though.

But she had a car journey to think about it. That is not ‘at the end of her tether’. That’s calculated abuse.

I can not imagine any circumstances where I’d purposefully spend an entire car journey thinking about how I was going to hurt my own child when we get home. Grim.

@purpledaze24
I grew up in the 70s and my dad used to hit me on the head very hard. I've always resented it and I think it has probably affected me quite badly, though I'd never dream of hurting my DC. Mental health professionals have been talking about treating people for ptsd, not just for ex soldiers etc but average people who've had to deal with harsh realities. Maybe ask your gp.

Smacked ?? I was born in the 50's and it wasn't unusual for me, our mum or my siblings to get a good hiding from our dad. Punches, kicks or a black eye were an everyday occurences in our house. I hated him, he was an absolute bully.

@purpledaze24 I am a year younger than you. I was hit repeatedly as a child. Similar emotional abuse but that side of things I can understand more as my parents each had troubled upbringings.

I too was part of a middle class family. I now have a child and even before my child I gradually in my thirties had already become quite sickened by what they had done. But like you, after having a child, it hurts even more. Posters saying it was what happened at the time… well yes, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it wasn’t damaging, and that an apology wouldn’t go amiss. My parents have done what your mum did, essentially deny it. I don’t know if they have blocked it out or they are ashamed but I totally get why you feel like you do. It’s like after everything, your experience is also invalidated by them.

I have given up mentioning it now. It makes me too sad. The times that haunt me most are the ones that were calculated… the same as you describe. One day driving back home my dad lost it with me and said he would batter me when we got back. In the car I was terrified for around an hour. When we got back I ran upstairs and hid and he stormed round looking for me. I still remember how panicked I was.

My post isn’t helpful I don’t think but I wanted to know you’re not alone. My parents, like you say your mum was, were loving and good parents in other ways. If I were you I would try and take from it that you are a better mother from what you’ve been through, and try and leave it there. I don’t know if that’s good advice but in my experience trying to pick at something where another person can’t even accept what happened, will only hurt you more. I hear you, I believe you, I get it, and you’re not alone in your experience. I hope you’re ok and can find a way to move forward from this peacefully.

What a helpful comment.

That's messed up @fattytum

It sounds like your mother was at the end of her tether with your 'behaviour', she likely felt, disappointed, upset, humiliated and goodness knows what else and she took out her frustration on you. I am not excusing her btw, I was slapped occasionally as a child but it was on the arms or the legs, I think slapping a child on their bare bum is quite weird actually. I don't think you can force her to 'remember', so for your own sake perhaps you should try to let it go.

get over it

I totally agree.

Classic abuse line 'I'd never have done that' she isn't ever going to take responsibility for her cold calculating attack on you for not meeting her (unrealistic) expectations. Don't leave your child alone with her.

I understand what you're saying OP. I also have a DD and since having her I have had many flashbacks to my own childhood and upbringing and it hugely affects how I parent today. As a child I endured so much anger, aggression, being ignored, some smacking - often it was for no reason or for made up reasons. I now feel very triggered if my DD cries after being "told off" (and I don't raise my voice the most she would get would be a stern word). It breaks my heart to think of any four year old suffering physical pain at the hands of their most trusted caregiver, and I'm certain much of my anxiety stems from my "strict" (possibly abusive) upbringing.

I think you should speak to your mum - tell her that you have been thinking about your childhood and you have vivid memories of things that you can't shake off and you'd like to discuss them. Be open minded, hopefully she will accept it happened. However she sounds like my DM who denies it all.

My parents hit/smacked/slapped too. I also find it revolting. I also know that they would blame me (say I was naughty they had to), or minimise (it was just a little tap), or deny outright. So I have not raised it but I have not forgotten it and I do hold it against them. Which they may or may not know but I can't help that.

I can’t believe some posters are brushing that incident off as normal! DH and I were also born in ‘85 and never treated like that. The ignoring, the repeated hitting over and over - that is absolutely horrible.
I don’t know whether you can get closure from your Mum but please know OP that was not typical discipline and extremely unkind.

I was never smacked as a child of the 80s by either of my parents. My mum was never smacked. My dad was smacked by his dad and he hated him.

My DH was physically and mentally abused by his parents, is now non contact and wouldn’t under any circumstances lift a finger to our son.

Quite frankly, anyone who smacks or mentally abuses a child is a fucking lunatic regardless of their upbringing / or if was ‘just how things were’.