To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

I was smacked once or twice. Bitten once cos I bit my brother. Never by my dad. Genuinely, the smacking by my mum has affected me much less than the sarcasm and being ignored by my dad. Mainly I think, because my mum's love was completely enveloping. I have never hit my kids, but I think I have been meaner to them than my mum ever was to me.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I wouldn't bother trying to resolve this with your mum. Mine also denies things she did to me as a child and trying to talk to her about it only upsets me more. I found therapy so helpful in managing these feelings and I would highly recommend that you get some help in working through them with someone. Wishing you the best in resolving these feelings.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️

Sorry haven't rtft. I am the same age, and me and my siblings were smacked. It's not something that I wanted to carry on when I had my DC, plus it's just not the done thing in society today. I'm glad that we have information and tools to try to do better.

I don't think that it's worth bring it up with your mum, but it might be worth bringing it up in counselling or therapy for yourself. It sounds like a traumatic experience for you.

As a child brought up in the 60s I was going to say that I was given the odd wack and I have absolutely no resentment towards my lovely parents….but reading that your Mum actually drove you home and then pulled your pants down is absolutely bloody shocking!! She did have time to calm down.
Parents make bad choices about discipline every day and that is still the case ,but that example you gave ,is shocking.

I haven't read the full thread but OP you are not making a big deal about this. Reading your account I feel deeply uncomfortable because I'm reading an account of abuse (physical abuse and abuse of power). It doesn't matter how "normal" this was in the 80s and 90s, that doesn't make it okay. I'm so sorry you experienced this and it is completely understandable that the trauma of it would surface now as you're a mum yourself.

You will get differing opinions partly depending on age and upbringing. I grew up in the 70/80's. Where I lived smacking was common and me and my sisters were regularly smacked. My parents had been smacked /given belt and also received cane/ruler at school. I had children in the 90's, I occasionally gave a tap for something significant ie running off near a busy road. Now I am horrified. At the time it was what I knew. I thought I was better because I only used it for danger. My parents thought they were better because they only used their hands.

I'm not saying your mum is blameless (what she did was abhorrent) but for a clearer perspective try to see it in her timeframe not todays . It's still wrong tho to be clear. It sounds like she was trying a tough love approach to help you come out of your shell, we know now that approach doesn't work. There was also in previous times more of a hierarchy and a focus on politeness to adults and obedience, what you did would in your mums eyes been disrespectful and embarrassing. Her reaction came from the embarrassment and frustration that you wouldn't just do what she wanted, you disobeyed her.

It's interesting that she denied it, it's possible she has blocked it out from shame or more likely she doe's remember and is ashamed of herself.

I'm not sure I agree with labelling the general smacking of kids in the past as abuse, except for incidents where parents lost control and went all out. There were obviously some abusive parents like there are now, but I think most parents at the time did at least some light smacking because it was the done thing. It was certainly normal in my friendship group.

I would judge a parent for smacking their child now, but I think it's difficult to go back in time and apply the same standards we have now to then. We know better now. I think many parents back then were doing the best they could, and this was behaviour that they were told was acceptable and normal to train your kids to behave.

As I've said above, parents who hit their kids had to live with the consequences. I would suggest most parents now who don't hit their kids get to enjoy a better relationship with their children and that is priceless.

This resonates so much. My dad smacked us, bullied and belittled us… we were scared of him. Now he’s a pathetic old man. He has no power over me now and it feels great.

How cold and dismissive....

I was born in the 60s, and had the crap beaten out of me very many times. My next sibling down too, until they developed an illness and my parents were afraid to. 3rd sibling, occasionally, 4th sibling not at all. I had bruising, was often sent to bed with no supper (mum) though to be fair dad usually rescued me when he got in from work.

I had a very small appetite and recall being beaten with a sally rod to make me eat. I remember just wishing and praying I could be 18 to get away. I was in my early 20s when I had my last beating.

In retrospect, I will never, ever understand the psychology of it all. I don't know why I didn't hightail it at 18 and never go back. In spite of it all, I remained close to my parents - they were very good to us, and adored my children.

They are both dead nearly 20 years. Lost them way too soon, still miss them so badly.

I don't know how, but somewhere along the line I must have unconsciously forgiven them? I certainly never held it against them, although I have never forgotten. Some of my peers had their fathers thrashing them with belts for instance, and I never experienced that.

I think I have probably blocked a lot out though. I do remember a kettle of boiling water being held over me as I lay sobbing on the floor, with the threat of pouring it on me.

I never actually did anything awful - it was only ever trivial, minor things.

I never did discuss it with my dad but I did (I'll be honest) throw it in my mum's face now and again. She just said, "well we're making up for it now". I don't think she ever realised, you can't make up for it.

I think it's just a scar you will always carry, but it is what it is, and no amount of navel gazing is ever going to change anything.

Same generation.

I don't remember all the details, but my dad was the designated disciplinarian parent - my mum used to threaten that if I didn't behave, my dad would give me a smack. The trouble is, my dad was quite bad-tempered, so you didn't really want him in charge of hitting a child... Like most children, I was occasionally a little shit who wound up both my parents, and there were occasions when my dad lost control.

As an adult, I can understand it all, but I wouldn't repeat it, and I wouldn't recommend it.

I grew up distant towards my dad. His being the one to smack us was the reason for it.

I feel a bit sad for him and blokes of his generation/thinking - it's pretty obvious looking back now that if you were the main parent to do the smacking, especially if you worked long full-time hours (like most fathers did at the time), you were always going to have a distant relationship with your kids. My mum didn't hit us nearly as much, she was home more and she was our primary carer.

I'm very close to my mum. I was never able to narrow that distance with my dad.

I have since forgiven him, but I wish we were closer, and I think the fact that we never were is his punishment for being a parent who smacked his kids. I suppose in a way I have to live with some of that punishment too, but he's the one who suffered more for it.

I can't imagine having kids and doing something to close their hearts towards me in that manner. I don't blame him. It was normal back then. But it's behaviour definitely best left in the past.

OP - I don't remember much of my childhood, only moments where I had a strong emotional response. Some of them I don't remember properly - from talking to family, I do have some incorrect perceptions (which you would expect given my age at the time).

It's tricky with something like this, because the way you describe it, who would admit to it going down exactly like that? So, you'll never get 100% closure on how accurate your version of events was.

I feel doubtful you'll get what you need from discussing it with her now (it might even be more hurtful if you find out she's forgotten what was such a big moment for you). Instead, working this through with a therapist is more likely to shield some benefit.

YANBU

Smacking is illegal in Wales as the negative psychological and long-lasting effects of physical abuse are recognised.

To those who advise ‘move on’ undermines the traumatic effects of the abuse you suffered.

Sending a big cwtch to you OP. Hope you’re okay.

"she wouldn't speak to me till she got me home and upstairs and pulled my pants down and hit me on the bum extremely hard, over and over and over. It was vicious and violent and I still remember the pain and it seemingly going on forever and how crazed she seemed. It wasn't a spur of the moment loss of control (which I'd understand more) cos she had a 15 min or so drive back where she was calm. So it was calculated*
That's not smacking by any definition and completely unacceptable even then. This is abusive. It's not surprising you've suffered trauma from this. Talking to her is likely to be pointless though. I'd talk to a therapist instead if you can afford it.

I agree that it was bad back then, but, it seemed to be the norm. I was smacked with wooden spoons, slippers, anything handy. Remember, kids would also sit next to their parents or in their car, with cigarette smoke. No way would you do that today. This is the bit about counselling that I find it hard to get my head around....should we hold our parents responsible for doing what was considered normal at the time?

My eldest was born 1985 and l never ever ever smacked her. Never smacked my youngest either.
I was a single parent.
I think you need counselling rather than confronting your mother.

I don't think it will do any good to bring it up with your mum. It happened and that can't be undone. I can understand why you feel like this though. All you can do is to try to put it behind you, in the past where it belongs, and try not to fret about it.

It was a different age, when most parents smacked their children.

YANBU OP. Even if physical punishment was commonplace then it doesn't make it okay. I second the PP's recommendation of Phillipa Perry's book "the book you wish your parents had read..."

My dad doesn’t remember similar incidents - hitting my bum with a shoe three of four times as a primary aged child. I have spoken to him about it a few times as an adult and he was embarrassed but claimed not to remember. I see him as a kind and thoughtful man so I find it difficult to understand.

I put it down to the perfect storm - the era with its dodgy norms (the slipper and belt was used in my school), weird religious and Victorian family ideology (kids seen not heard, rule by the rod), parental general stress/depression and ignorant parenting skills which left children’s emotional needs unmet.

I have moved on. I challenged them and eventually forgave them. As a child and adult I had a very strong morals

You are very much not unreasonable to be angry at how your mum treated you. Sorry this happened to you.

Oh and I also found Peter Walkers Complex Trauma: From Surviving to Thriving very helpful. At the beginning of my recovery I would have read it and been like "nah, this isn't me, I don't have actual trauma."

it's been years since and I'm in a different and much better place than I was though the self doubt still tried to eat at me. I'm learning ways to move through it now, journalling, exploring why am I feeling the way I do? Noticing. I've had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and trauma based talking therapy . Done a bit of inner child work as there was some dissociation. And some early childhood sexual abuse and domestic abuse that I blanked out completely or the was too young remember consciously but my sister who did recall it filled me in on.

Definitely don't do this.

This. I was from a "naice" middle class home devout churchgoing parents living together but I was regularly emotionally and verbally abused (with some mild violence and threats of more severe violence ) for having some learning and emotional issues. Parents didn't believe in mental health because of their religion, they were extreme types and refused to have me asessed. My sister developed suicidal depression in her teens and was punished for it , I was a self harmer with an ED and social anxiety and was treated violently and shamed for that. The abusive parent was also abusive to my other parent.

no one knew. He did give my mum a black eye once but aside from that I never bruised or left any evidence

My father's response to my dyscaluclia and my mental health issues was saying he would beat it out of me and screaming at me how worthless I was. Oh and tell me to kill myself already. To my sister's depression he told her he would kill her and hide the body if she didn't stop talking about her problems or if she told anyone outside the family

I was sexually assaulted more than once to be fair it wasn't rape or anything awful and I probably should never have told and just forgotten it (I had forgotten much worse after all without making a fuss) but youngsters response was to get angry with me for trying to cause trouble and he told me if I told the police they would laugh at me.

There's a lot more I could say but he denied a lot of things he did including using a knife against my sister when she was young. He just laughed and said "sounds like something I would have done" then changed the subject.

to be fair he is better than he used to be in the past he would tell us we were lying that we were evil, demon possessed etc.

I understand the fear of "oh, my abuse wasn't real trauma." My head had been telling me for years . It's like my dad is in my head. But I now have a therapist who is treating me for BPD and Complex PTS D ( several suicide attempts , runs in with the law, failed career, multiple broken relationships and an assault on my best friend (I'm not proud of that, I promise . And my trauma only explains not excuses it) later I am now heard and seen. And finally, believed).

I know it's hard to access therapy these days but i promise you it's worth a try . I also recommend The But We Took You to Stately Homes Thread on Mumsnet.

Definitely this. It is really distressing even to think about, never mind to experience. Then to have it denied! I am so sorry op x

People worried a lot about what other people thought. Or they did in my small rural community. I wet myself in church once because my dad wouldn’t take me to the toilet. I was about 7! It was mortifying but he just assumed I could hold it. Children really were expected to be seen and not heard.

Our form of punishment if we was naughty was to try and get up the stairs before my dads hand came through the bannisters and caught us on the bum. Not very hard either. I still remember it in a fond way.

I still remember shouting at my son once ( never hit ) and still feel guilty over it.

However what you describe is horrific abuse. Calm and calculated. Like she was thinking of doing it all the way home. Id never forget that.

How about getting some counselling and taking it through with a trained therapist ? Your mum appears to have blocked it from her mind in denial so I doubt you’ll make much progress with her.