To still be angry about being smacked as a kid?

Agree with this comment.

Your mother was wrong to do this. She probably felt completely helpless and anxious about your refusal to speak and it spilled out into unacceptable violence to you. I would try to see it in that context. Not as something cruel and calculated, just as a wrong reaction to a situation that she was extremely worried about. It is very likely she doesn't now remember. If she was generally loving I would try to forgive her if you can.

I was smacked and emotionally hurt as a child. I vowed never to hit my children. I never did or wanted to. I was born in 1964. Had my children early 90s. My daughter also had speech difficulties. I often blamed myself and wondered if I could have done something wrong for her to be like that.... we went weekly to speech therapy for 6 months and I felt like the worst parent every time I took her. Hitting her for it never once entered my head. I doubt you will ever get an apology from your mum...just try to learn from the experiences you had growing up and be the best parent you can.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I haven't read all of the replies here so not sure how y are sitting. But I just wanted to say I posted out some not ok things my parents did growing up once and the replies were awful. So there's definitely a camp of, never did me any harm, bootstraps, think yourself lucky it wasn't worse. I found these replies really upsetting so I'd really warn you about paying too much attention to people who excuse child abuse. Sending love

As your own child comes to the age when things happened to you, it will bring up these memories.

im sorry that happened to you. It was wrong. You were a little kid. Thankfully you are breaking the pattern for your own child.

I'm sorry OP and can completely relate. I wasn't smacked often as a child, but on the times I did I had an extreme emotional reaction to it.
I always swore I would never do that to my own children, and couldn't fathom doing that to DS.
My parents had a lot of terrible parenting moments, emotional abuse, etc, which I've discussed in counselling. It brought up a lot of anger, but I've managed to process a lot of that now.
I've learnt since that both my parents had abusive upbringings, which has helped me feel more compassionate about it. There's not much point in talking to them now - we have a good relationship now, and they're both elderly so it doesn't seem right in dragging up the past. My mum also does the "I don't remember that" thing whenever I have tried to talk to her in the past as well 🙄
The most important thing for me is that I've learnt from their mistakes and the abuse ends with me - I will do everything I can to give DS the upbringing he deserves.

@Pinkglobelamp maybe you and your friends ended up friends because you came from similarly non-violent homes? Also educating yourself and trying to find books to read doesn’t always change the patterns we’ve inherited from our own childhoods, you have to work hard to change those things and if you have zero support or community and are just feeling utterly overwhelmed and trying to survive your own crappy childhood and inflict as little damage as possible on your own children while battling some pretty big demons it’s not always going to look pretty.
there is absolutely far more opportunity to research all these things now too - one word: the internet!
Following someone on Instagram who regularly describes their lived experience of mutism and how to best support someone with something similar is different to finding a single book in the library that doesn’t explain it that well. Having said that, I love books but it’s even the fact you can now read online reviews and find the best one whereas in the past you’d have relied on what was in your local shop or library.

I really feel this post, as I was a very shy child too and when I was small, my stepmother at the time smacked me very viciously. It actually went to court as actual bodily harm. I think some adults from that era would play it down as being harmless, but it lived with me for a long time too, and I found it all coming back to me in my teens. Sounds like it’s caught up with you a bit later on. I think what helped me was talking about it to my husband and a close friend. Maybe speak to someone other than your mum first?

I’m sorry she brushed it off - I guess maybe she is trying to alleviate her own guilt by making it seem like not a big deal, but if it’s still bothering you now then it’s not ok. By the sound of it, you weren’t even doing anything naughty, just being shy, as some people are. Being hit like that can beat the confidence right out of you. It’s taken me many years to finally become a confident person.

Like you, I find it hard to understand why someone would use so much force against a small defenceless child.

Voted YABU only because my child's memory from age 4 is stuff they've basically invented like they are 100% certain they had a cat that they never had and we went on a boat we never went on. I don't think memories from that age are accurate. Back then unfortunately it was pretty normal to be hit. My mum hit me and it hasn't affected me badly. Yanbu for how you feel though and if it would make you feel better to discuss it with your mum then do.

I was smacked to and won't forgive my so called parents ever, There both passed away now so I'm unable to say my feelings to them.

If there wasn't understanding it was the parents' responsibility to educate themselves. Certainly neurodivergence and mutism and just plain shyness were understood by everyone I knew in the 80s/90s, if not in the depth they're known today. OP's mother by the sound of it was educated and well-resourced enough to read, ask medical professionals, do her research. And really, it doesn't take an understanding of neurodivergence or disorders not to carry out violent attacks on tiny children.

There's no excuse for abusing a child as the OP was abused.

And although it was more common before it was made illegal by Labour in the 90s it wasn't by any means normal. None of my friends (born mid 70s were ever hit by an adult, ever.

I grew up in the same era and was smacked and what you are describing is nothing like what I experienced. What you’ve described is abuse. I’m not surprised you have suffered lasting trauma from it. What a terrible awful experience for a tiny 4 year old to suffer when all you needed was love and understanding 💐it’s heartbreaking to read.

I think UABU based on the fact that you are seeing past events through a modern lens. Your mother would not have understood then that your behaviour was due to you 'having a disorder' (in your words), she saw that you'd made a promise and broken it wilfully. Do you think she had knowledge then of selective mutism? Obviously today we would say that smacking is never the answer, never right - but it wasn't the same in the 1980's, many of us can testify to that. I would suggest that you get some therapy and try to let it go. Also, can you even trust your own memory at that age? Perhaps you embellished it and that's why your Mum doesn't acknowledge it. Not all childhood memories are real.

That’s awful OP. I’m sorry that happened to you. You remember so much detail because it was traumatic. YADNBU.

What your mum did was wrong but unfortunately, it was a common occurrence which was acceptable at the time. I was smacked as a child and personally I don't feel it affected me because I understand that in those days people thought it was ok to smack children. It doesn't make it right, but I know my parents loved me and did the best they could with the knowledge and understanding they had at the time. It seems like your Mum might have lost control in that incident which is why it is probably so traumatic and frightening for you? My mum once lost control and slapped me on the face. While I was absolutely horrified and traumatised at the time, as an adult I can look back and understand that she might have had a whole load of shit going on that I know nothing about. I don't know what your personal circumstances were growing up, and I am not condoning your mother's behaviour, but I wonder if maybe she was going through something in her personal life that you would not have been aware of? Perhaps she was under pressure at work or she had a major argument with your father, or she had serious financial worries? I must emphasise I am not trying to minimise what she did or say that it was ok, I just think that it may help you to ask yourself these questions. It must have been really frightening for you to have experienced this as a small child. I think the important questions to ask now are, do you/did you feel loved by your mum then/now? Was she a good mum overall or were her actions traumatic because she has never been a good mum or did you feel unloved overall during your childhood? If you decide you want to bring up this past event which is clearly painful for you and possibly shameful for your mother, it might damage the relationship you currently have with her beyond repair. Is the need to bring up this painful memory worth risking the relationship you now have with your mother? Only you can answer these questions. I hope that you can find a way to make peace with this and make sense of what happened to you as a child.

This . Really good advice. Parents did / do the wrong/ bad decisions when I was young and definitely not to be proud of .
It’s human nature and now as a Grandma I do think that my daughter makes good choices for her child but there are times where I don’t agree that the child rules ..discipline is good for children 🤷‍♀️

That sounds horrific. I’m so sorry that happened to you OP.

I got smacked a few times for doing naughty things. If my memory serves I rarely did them again. So no I cannot say I have any ill feeling about it whatsoever. It was the done thing at the time.

I remember by Grandad telling me about how he used to get up to all kinds of nonsense with his best mate at school. He had one especially authoritarian Scotsman as a Chemistry teacher. One day he was behaving properly but yet he was called to the front of the class and asked to put out his hand. WALLOP! an absolute full force smash on his hand with the cane!
"What was that for sir?"
"That's for the times that I don't catch you child!"

Every generation will remember things that their parents did and ask how it could have possibly been considered acceptable at the time.. No doubt our children will be thinking the same in years to come, about something or other that we are all doing today.

Thatt was not a smack that was a beating and totally abusive. Your mom was taking her own shame and embassassment out on a 4 year old. It's very common for that age to be shy with adults and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I was brought up in the 60s and a smack was a tap on the hand not a humiliation with my panties down. There was no anger and it was very rare. .Go to counselling as its a very good time to discuss it when it's so fresh in your mind because of your own little girl. This experience will have haad a profound affect on you and hopefully counselling will help

@purpledaze24 that sounds absolutely abusive and I'm so sorry for you.
I was slapped and beaten by both parents as a child. I remember my father kicking me for asking him a question and I fell over. I was 7. Another time he beat me until I wet myself, belts, fists, wooden spoons. You name it.
I'm almost 40 and they are still abusive. Verbally now. I'm still afraid of him too.

@Feelinglow27 I could have written your post, almost word for word. It took me ages to fully understand that I have low self esteem and look for signals someone doesn't like me - even doubting my lovely dh loves me, or being on egg shells if he is a bit (justifiably) grumpy about something not aimed at me at all, because to me the consequences of that were awful such as silent treatment, simmering anger and just a lot of emotional abuse, plus smacking when little. I have such conflicted feelings about my father.
I completely understand why OP still thinks about the incident with her mum. It definitely doesn't sound like the quick momentary smack on the leg that a lot of parents did then, often when a child was in danger, so if you crossed the road without looking. Or just as a consequence of being naughty in the moment. There is something altogether more sinister about making a child wait to be physically punished. I really think it is evil

I was a child in the 80s. I was smacked on the legs once by my mum, when I was about 9. She'd heard me shout a swear word, which I genuinely didnt even realise was a bad word. My mum was/is a really kind loving mum. But that smack has stayed with my to this day. I don't even think it was particularly hard, but she did it in front of my friend which added to the humiliation. Looking back, I do think it put a bit of a wall up between us. Though Id never tell her as she'd be heartbroken. As an adult, I've let it go and forgiven her as it was a generational thing, but there's still a part of me that is really sad for that little girl.
My DD is around the same age I was. I'd never smack her in a million years. I just couldnt and wouldnt. I've never even had to raise my voice to her, she's so good. So was I, which is probably why I was only smacked once.

I was part of that era too. I don't remember my parents ever doing it excessively though. I have one memory that stands out when I was being really naughty and not going to bed - my mum screamed at me and smacked me much harder than usual. Reflecting on that incident now I can see why she was in the mood she was. It turned out my dad was a serial cheater and she was terrified he would leave her for another woman. She was a nurse and was exhausted from working nights.

Maybe moving on from this is the wrong way of looking at it. Understanding why she did it might be more beneficial and help you to get some kind of closure. Parents aren't perfect and they're always going to make mistakes when they're in a bad mood or are experiencing stress themselves.

I would consider counselling and talking it through with someone before you go to your mum.

My mother smacked me occasionally-!I was a. Child of the 70s

and it was normal. My father lost control on one occasion and beat my legs with a rubber tube breaking the skin. Weeks later he asked me what the cuts on my legs were from and when I told him he looked horrified. He died when I was 9 and my mother told me when I was older that he had been violent to her on a regular basis. I was traumatised by his death but probably it was for the best

I think what stopped me from hitting my kids was the idea that if you hit them, you're hitting out of anger, and an adult should be able to control that.