AIBU about going back to work

The issue does seem to come down to division of labour. You need to sit down and address this together, you shouldn't be doing so much that you're spending so much at night and weekends of they are sitting down relaxing. I did 3 days but did basically all the kid admin household stuff and partner did very little in hindsight. Kids got a bit older and I went full time, I did want to though. But the expectation should now be we both do shared chores etc but I definitely ended up doing about 80% and end up resentful until we addressed it and came up with a shared plan

How is this different to 3 full days?

3 x 8 hour days
5 x 5 hour days

Barely any difference and actually more full on than 3 full days in my experience.

Why is everyone assuming the partner is a male? OP could be male and the partner could be female.

The OP said since I had our children.

I wouldn't mind if they were working less hours, if they used that time to the benefit of the family eg did all the chores so the rest of you can chill all weekend. So I think the choices are

You drop your hours so you can rest more, and you all make standard of living sacrifices

They do more hours at work and you use the extra money to pay for outsourcing some of the jobs they don't do

They step up and actually use their time off to do chores so that you have equal down time

You leave and stop feeling like you're being sponged off (if your kids are teens you could always wait a few more years so you don't pay maintenance or have to pay hum housing costs for children)

I've kept to 4 days even though DS is now 17. But I do majority of housework and am an only DC with elderly DPs who live an hour away.

I have said to DH that I'd absolutely support him if he wanted to go down to 4 days, but he doesn't. Also he earns a lot as a contractor, if that changes then I would go full time for the last few years of my career.

In your situation the DP should definitely go up to at least 4 days and take on the lions share of household chores. Also look at pensions for the future.

What does he say is his reason for not working FT or not doing household chores? You need to stop doing them & enabling his lazy ass !

I don’t see why both parents not working full time with teenagers

Your OH should be doing more, no question. They do part time hours with kids at high school, and their partner doing loads of chores = easy life. Doesn’t matter which sex either of you are btw. They should be working full time, or maybe you could both do eg 4 days.

I absolutely see your point of view. I was just pointing out that on Mumsnet it seems to be fine for women to work part time yet it's not often looked at the same way if a man does. In any case if someone is at home more they should surely be taking on more of the home demands, regardless of sex.

We’re all different - for me a partner still working part-time for no good reason would not be acceptable, regardless of their sex. If they were ill or older than me and transitioning to semi-retirement maybe, but anything else would make me very resentful.

In your situation I’d do 4 days each or 5 days each. Cuz if the part timer isn’t pulling their weight at home then it’ll cause resentment.

This tells me what your partner doesn't do.

What do they do?

For example do they drive the kids around? I have a non working day and mil saw me sit and commented I'm lazy so trying to be open mineded first.

Also is their health and mental health all OK?

There are plenty of women on here who work part time with children in school and that's generally deemed to be fine.

It seems that the division of labour is the issue here.

So what have they said when you discuss it? If the children are at high school this is 6 years in the making.

I’d like to know what they think they do rather than what you think they do.

Have you had a chat with them to say 'the balance of paid and unpaid work doesn't feel fair. It's making me feel taken for granted and resentful. How do we redress the balance?'

Stop doing it?

I think a 4 day week for both of you would be a good comprise?

Nope you were right - could be a same sex couple.

Since the OP says they gave birth to the children, they are fairly unlikely to be male. The sex of the lazy-arsed partner is irrelevant, they need to be pulling their weight much more round the house. The person working full time is the one who should be doing "light touch" housework.

If they haven't returned to full time by now they have no intention of doing so.
If I was only working 3 days I would 100% be picking up all the slack so that we could then enjoy the family time together when they weren't working.
Time for a sit down and some decision making.

What do you most need as a family?

• More income? Then both of you FT - but pay for a cleaner if you could, and pay someone or one of the teens for gardening help

• Less envy or sense of fairness about leisure time? Then could you both go 4 days, or keep as is but agree to more jobs being done in the day?

The setup does sounds unfair but also from experience think that two FT jobs can be hard, and it is good for younger high school kids especially to have someone home when they get back.
It's also often the case that the person at home might be doing more than the other appreciates. I was FT, but WFH and when we first split my then-DH suddenly realised how hard it was to always be the one needing to be at a club pickup at 5.30, or helping with homework, or sorting medical appointments etc.

Can you both work 4 days

or he works 3 and either pays someone to iron hoover mow or does it himself

young teens can be emotionally and physically draining if they have any SEN or mental health issues. Part time working in these situations would offer children support and the whole family balance. However if the teens are straight forward it should be easy enough to both work full time and employ a cleaner.

This is the work scenario of one of my DDs. Whist she is at work and during the time he is not working, he does all the school pick-ups, all the shopping, all the cooking, some of the laundry and they share general cleaning etc. It works really well for them, but only because he is doing his share and more. I think my DD might have forgotten how to cook, it has been so long since she has done it!