To ask 'How do people do it?'

You sound like most working mums to me, including myself!

We’re all just winging it you just described my life too a T

Give yourself a pat on the back for everything you do.
I think this quote applies to you you (tell it to yourself every day): I'm the best so f* the rest. Grass is always greener etc.i pride myself not being up to date/ media slave. Be proud of what you DO achieve.

I use a lot of mental energy just trying to cope with day to day stuff due to being neurodivergent. I ended up having to give up work just to care for my family without burning out :(

In terms of getting on top of jobs I realised stuff just won't do itself. A few times a year i arrange childcare on a weekend, or take a day of annual leave when they are at work, stack up some good podcasts (as a fellow adhd person I need distraction to do boring jobs) and get on with a list: clearing out kids' closets, get on top of the garden, clear out the basement, clean the oven etc etc.

Other times if I have cash I'll go through a phase of just booking in loads of people like handymen to do the repairs, gardeners to clear out the garden etc.

You're normal. My life is pretty similar, I get up at 5.45 getting the kids ready and out the door for 7.15, I'm out by 7.30, back for 7, straight into bedtime, that goes on until 8.30ish, cook myself a bit of food, clear up, laundry on, finish emails then it's 10pm and time for bed. My house is a pigsty of repairs that need doing, garden needing weeding etc.

My parents are really into music and into his 70s My Dad still goes to music festivals! But at pub quizzes they never know the 80s and 90s music because they were busy raising us, and that's one of their big loves. I have ADHD too and I think that feeling of not doing enough is probably just part and parcel of ADHD but also parenting in general? I feel it mostly in terms of the kids and how life is going too fast, I want to enjoy their younger years more!

Sounds pretty standard tbh for a working mother. The only suggestion I would make is make your day off...I would slay a lot of tasks there...when I'm on my own I speed through tasks back to back.

Not being on top of things fully is clearly causing anxiety. It does me if I'm not in top of everything. It sounds you have an amazing time at the weekend full of activities; which I would definitely rather be doing. But it doesn't sound like there's anytime for admin. Me and my husband divide and conquer at least part of the weekend (sometimes full day), so I can get what needs to be done; done. E.g. he sorted kids/ played yesterday and I did 3 hours gardening, worked (I'm self employed), pushed the hoover around, correspondence, booking social stuff etc. He often entertains the kids & I do cleaning, cooking, gardening, gen admin etc as he's rubbish at these things 🙈. If your partner isn't crap at domestic life you could take turns, as it's definitely the short straw 😢

In addition it sounds like there's a lot of individual meals being cooked in eve; which is hard if it's proper cooking. I would concentrate on making one for everyone else (they can heat it's up if not there till later) and if you have specific diet batch cook (or you can achieve this by making extra each time you cook) & freeze for future meals. I do this for my kids so when I can't be bothered or me & dad are eating rubbish when they're in bed 🤣🤣 there's something nutritious to defrost in the freezer for their meal.

I hope that helps 👍

You are prioritising your family and work. From what I read in you story, you are doing perfect. I can also see you are giving time to relax yourself. That's very good. Rest of the things you worry you can't do are not really worth worrying. Unless you have passion for reading a book or learning a new skill over watching movie or crashing on sofa. Mine and husbands life are pretty much the same except I have two a year old and a six months old. When I have a time I relax watching TV and literally do nothing else. Sometimes I do pick up odd naps when my husband working from home. That helps night wake ups so much. My husband does a lot for us at home. I do look after kids more and he does more house work than me. Most cooking I do. But his way of relaxation is different. He read books and look on laptop to improve his IT skills. He barely watched TV. When he watches it must be some documentary or something about the world. I do watch with him those when he is interested in TV. He tells me what's going on in the world. He read books a lot and I don't. He is quite knowledgeable, for example he can pick up a clever and wise conversation with anyone. But he talks less. Although I appreciate we both have our own differences I never see myself less valued because he is using his time productively. In this stage of life all I need is relaxation at the end of the day. Nothing else. You are doing great. There is nothing need changing.

Your doing better than I am. I have one child, a cleaner and I don't have ADHD

It’s never ending.

Write a list of the things you think you aren’t getting done and tick one / two off each day,
I’m the absolute worst with admin type things ( even though they are simple) and let it build up and up until it makes me extremely stressed to think about it, and the more stressed I get about it the more I keep putting it off - completely Bizarre behaviour!!

Eg, returning online shopping, there have been countless times I haven’t returned Items within the 28days and then I’m stuck with stuff I don’t want! ….simple task but has cost me hundreds, I cannot fathom why I keep doing this!

Not paying bills on time (I do have the money) and then I get fined, This has also cost me hundreds over the years

You need to care a lot less what other people are doing, what they say they're doing and what they think of you. I'm not suggesting you isolate yourself, but just protect yourself from all the unhelpful comparisons you're making.

be kind to yourself and don't expect yourself to be quite so perfect as you think others are. They aren't!

I think you are doing your best OP, don’t be hard on yourself! Do you have help with school pick ups or is that all on you? Your older child obviously stays up late so that really changes things - my eldest is only 7 so still in bed by 7:30 most nights.

I feel very much like this in the week, but I’m mindful I squeeze a lot into a short day as I do like to relax in the evenings once DC are in bed.

I also work 4 days a week, mainly from home which makes everything easier (put laundry on during my working day, or nip on an errand at lunchtime - supermarket or collect a prescription).

DH and I share the drop offs, and we only pick up on our days off, otherwise DC are in ASC or with grandparents.

DH does the cooking, he’ll batch cook so it’s not every night. If the DC are having something different it’s freezer tapas or omelettes, or even sandwiches if they’ve had a hot meal at school.

We both have time to exercise though, I see a personal trainer once a week at 7:30am and I also run - a long one on my day off and a shorter one early morning before work one day.

Can you relax a bit more on your day off? I always find time to sit and mindlessly scroll with a coffee, even if I’ve done a long run. You have a cleaner, so don’t bother yourself with cleaning on your day off (we also have a cleaner) - what errands do you have that need catching up on and fill a whole day every week? If you WFH some days try and plan errands into your lunch break - I always have reminders set at 12pm on WFH days, return library books/collect prescription/buy milk etc.

I think if you claw some time for yourself on your day off while DC are in school, you’ll feel better as you deserve to do something for you.

@HowDoesSheDo You are doing great!

My observation is that you spend more time ‘out’ at the weekend than most of the people who you are comparing yourself with who probably spend that time reading/watching telly. Honestly, I think you are getting more from life than them. I feel guilty being at home so much and feel like I should be doing more familiar days out but I’m too tired. So you have my admiration for getting out and giving your children all these experiences!
I think you are suffering from FOMO, next time you are asked how you are think about saying we’ve been out and about having a great time and see if it sticks! But if you genuinely don’t enjoy being out so much at the weekend you can scale it back.

if you want advice, try batch cooking dinners or using a slow cooker so that you don’t have to cook multiple times a night for different dietary requirements. That must be really time consuming!

I could have written your post.
Except we seem to be really struggling finaically at the moment so trying to keep up with kids activities but also scrabbling round for money at the end of the month
Can't afford national trust stuff, don't do family days out
I completely feel you on "wish I could keep up with trends/books etc"
I am self diagnosed adhd and not medicated and feeling it tbh

I'm really, really organised, very little gets forgotten, all of it written down, system for things etc. But I don't have the added challenge of ADHD. I'm not saying I have it perfectly but be kind to yourself, it's a big thing getting a diagnosis and never any point in comparison. Your kids will grow up fine whether you're on the ball or have a day where all the balls fall down

You sound exactly like me, except I almost never cook. If I have to because my partner is out it's freezer food with pre-chopped fresh veg, or something on toast. I would not be cooking multiple meals.

Anyway. I keep up with my main interests in the small amounts of time I get to scroll the internet. Everything else gets ignored. I don't read books anymore, I simply don't have the time or inclination to give up something else in order to read.

My friends and I all feel like we're living in chaos and losing ourselves. I think that's just what it feels like to work and be a parent. Even the women I consider superwomen admit to finding it all very hard, they just don't show it.

Take a deep breath. This is what life is for most people in 2023.

I understand that your kids get in a different time and you eat at a different time but dear lord if I had to make dinner 3 times I’d kill someone. I make one lunch and one dinner and people can reheat and eat as they please. I do make mostly stews and pastas so easy to reheat and don’t just dry up if cooked earlier. Days I’m working from home I take a little 30 min break before pick up where I make dinner so comes dinner time it’s ready. I then work 30min/1hour after little one is in bed if needed. I try to be as flexible as possible with my time.

Time to read up on trends and topics and focus on development needs to happen during your work day. If they are important to your progression make that clear to your manager and make sure there’s time monthly for you to do so or engage in activities / projects that help you do so at work.

I have a running to do list on my phone for all aspects of life including me time and workouts and it’s so much easier than having it all in my head.
But overall I try to set realistic expectations for myself and those around me of what can be expected of me week by week. Some days my kid will eat hummus cheese some pita and fruits for dinner and some days a nice hot stew. It is what it is. Some weeks I kill it at work and some weeks I am just surviving.

We’re all struggling, some just hide it better than others! 😂

Sounds like you’re actually coping really well tbh!

You do a lot with your kids like we only have a family day out once a month or so We limited clubs to one each kid. I tend to let the kids do their own thing in the evening, well the older ones don’t for homework with them they just have to do it . Tend to do my texting /social media whilst taking a quick break in work watching telly etc. tbh you sound incredibly focused and do things throughly with all your attention that’s why perhaps you find it hard ?? I would love to be more like that I am always on my phone whilst I should be concentrating on the kids house work etc

I have ADHD as well and agree with others that it sounds like you're doing really well!

I also second the question whether DH can take on any of the cooking or you can streamline this e.g. using slow cooker to make bigger meals that can be frozen and reheated, using convenience foods, batch-cooking something like meat (I've heard a tip e.g. stick loads of mince or chicken breasts in the slow cooker to cook them through, then portion out into containers and freeze, then you can add them frozen to various sauces etc for a quicker/easier dinner.)

For replying to texts etc my biggest tip for this is to have set times when you do this. I don't struggle with texts as much but emails used to make me really anxious. Checking them once a day really helped as it meant that once it's done I can freely ignore them until the next morning with no guilt. Muting notifications also means that you don't swipe everything away and then not know what is read and what is not. For texts, maybe fit this into little "gaps" in the day e.g. when you first get to work, lunch break, while cooking. Then you can ignore until the next text time, but start with the oldest. If someone wants you urgently they can always call. If you find it time consuming to type a reply because you want to say a lot, try leaving voice notes, or using voice to text is also not bad these days. I used to get annoyed by voice notes but I have got quite into them!

Social media just don't - it's a time suck anyway. If you're finding that you're isolated because of missing this, go on and unfollow everything and just leave it as the local groups, or local events or something. But TBH most of the social stuff IME has gone away from Facebook now and onto whatsapp groups - so if you can ask around and see if you're missing any of these and then add those to the text time slot. If this is more guilt about not updating older relatives with DC photos/milestones, what we have found works well for this is creating a shared photo folder using whatever photo app you have on your phone - google or apple photos - and then signing all your relatives up to that album. You and DH can just bulk upload any recent photos and they will get an email or a notification on their phone. It's great and avoids all the crap of social media too. I also find this really good because at Christmas time when sending out cards etc I can instantly access the best of DH's and my nice photos without having to scroll through a load of irrelevant photos.

Another way to keep up socially which is vital for me is finding/creating regular recurring meet ups. For example, if you have Fridays off, look for a Friday coffee morning or drop in, or suggest one with someone else you know doesn't work on Fridays. Every other week is fine for this. Or join a morning/evening class. Just that repeated expectation to be seen will help and then once you're regularly seeing people you tend to think of each other to invite out to other social events such as birthdays. I joined a book club. I resisted it for ages because I thought people would want to really dissect the book and it would spoil it for me, but then someone said "It's basically just an excuse to drink wine and chat" and I thought yeah, OK, I'll go for that. It has been good because I have read some books I wouldn't otherwise. I don't always enjoy them, but that doesn't really matter - people don't always finish the book if they don't like it! Again it's just a recurring social event where you see the same people. If you want to watch films, you could start or find a cinema club which is basically the same idea - you all go out to watch a film about once a month, then have dinner afterwards and talk about the movie. With these kinds of arrangements you don't need to keep up with what's current, you'll just get suggestions every so often and that prompts you to look up what it is.

Lastly some things which have been really helpful for me is actually looking at my daily routine and trying out different options. For example I've found that I have so much more energy if I can possibly sleep in until 8. Of course with small DC, not always possible, but when I can I do and it helps.

But you are also doing a lot more than me! We don't manage to do activities for DC at all. They are both at the same nursery so no separate school runs. We haven't hit peak birthday party age and we always seem to let their birthdays pass without throwing a party so don't get as many invites anyway D: I'm not currently working (do need to look into this!) I don't manage to do nearly as much socialising - I would LOVE to get out 1-2x monthly for a meal out, it's more like 4x a year at the moment - this was part of the reason for the book club etc.

I think it just is a bit groundhog day in these years when DC are very dependent - it doesn't mean you're doing nothing with your life. You're providing a stable home environment for them which is absolutely massive. If you're feeling really flustered at school drop offs etc (I also do) are you managing to get there on time or struggling at the last minute not to be late? Building in some "calm time" can really help and doing a bit of a mindfulness or deep breathing or something like this can help - I find it really hard to shift gears sometimes from my "alone mode" which I go into when I'm not with other adults (e.g. commuting, on my computer/phone) to the "adult mode" where I'm happy and relaxed about interacting and I can come across very flustered/a bit startled when someone addresses me if I'm in the "alone mode" and I always get the sense this comes across as weird. I don't know if this is masking, maybe. I also tend to be really sensitive to temperature so struggle with switching environments e.g. from inside to outside and vice versa and I feel that makes me come across a bit "off" when I first meet someone especially if I've had a longer, more sensory-overstimulating journey or if I'm generally feeling tired. Taking some vitamins that say they are good for energy also seems to help - you do need to avoid high dose vitamin C if you're on stimulant medication, you can take this at a different time of day though.

You possible make 3 meals a day for tea? That’s time consuming!

Make a list for Monday - Thursday of meals everyone likes - use a slow cooker and they can dish up when home. Recommend stews and curries - one pot meals - saves washing up.

Why is the elder child bed time so late?

he needs to be in his room by 9 and he can read quietly.

This will give you an hour a night to ‘catch up’ read a newspaper etc

I think it kind of depends on the situation. It’s not great, but also though both my husband and I have ADHD, i tend to take the place of the non ADHD’er. I do get cross when task after task is forgotten, when he’s consistently making us late and I can’t rely on him to remember basics. The difference is I put a huge amount into attempting to manage mine inside and outside work. I can’t speak for the OP or her husband, but it might be he’s just frustrated at feeling he can’t rely on tasks being done and the extra responsibility. That’s easily solvable though, as I said in my previous post - just takes a fair bit of planning!

Hiw old are the DC?