I dislike DSS

Yep. People have such low expectations of teen behaviour and effectively enable it. It’s ridiculous.

Couldn't agree more! This is neither normal nor should be considered normal. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Usual po-faced SM club responses.

Is the behaviour normal?

Well it can be, have a look at the teenage board on here?

Most of the behaviour is fairly non-descript - messy room, hand down trousers, leaving pots, poor hygiene etc etc. Most of it can be ignored or left to your DH to solve.

The hitting thing is more worrying. It sounds like he hates the OP as much as she hates him?

Yet another woman unable/unwilling to get on with her DSCs and forge even the most basic relationship with them? That's on you and your DH, OP. You're the adults here.

However, in your defence OP, 16 year old boys are the pits. That's how it is, I've got one here. If you have your own kids, you'll see that one day. They usually emerge from their cave when they're 18 or so and make half decent adults.

But yes, kick him out, tell your DH you won't put up with it, change the locks. Problem solved.

Her DH needs to put his 16 yr old "child" first and teach him how to behave in normal society.

I love how you say 'many' of them are normal teenager things and just completely ignore the big ones that aren't. Also, he behaves the same way with his mother so it's not merely that he dislikes OP or hates being a stepchild. Not coincidentally, his own mother isn't interested and just lets him do it.

I suspect so. This one has at least 3 adults in his life who enable him to behave this way and from the apologism of other posters, this kind of permissive, no-standards parenting is not rare. Some of these boys might turn themselves around some day, but most will have no motivation.

Is this why there's so many shitty men about? Because this behaviour is excused as normal?

Many of these things are teenager things that are quite normal and obviously he doesn’t like you so isn’t behaving.
why di t anyone ever consider the children when they force families together?

The fact you've never had the issue doesn't make it a good idea. I specifically explained why it could become an issue. I did not say it would result from 'festering plates'. Actually in almost all cultures in the world throughout all of human history sharing food has been considered to be an important social ritual and a chance for families to catch up and find out what's going on in each other's lives.

You've created a silly false binary between 'great amazing ritual' and 'just food'. This kind of antisocial, utilitarian thinking is one of the things that produces this kind of incompetent, useless, antisocial teenagers and then excuses it as normal to avoid taking responsibility.

I wouldn't like that behaviour either, and didn't tolerate it from my children. I would talk to my partner and agree a set of rules you both enforce and then take a decision after that. It sounds as if it is his behaviour rather than him which is most of the problem ( the lying about you is different and needs to be addressed separately), so give him a chance to learn.

You could say literally the same thing about every single post on mumsnet where we have one person telling us about another. What do you want us to do, give OP a lie detector test? Why are people so protective of a 16 year old who's literally never even going to see this thread? It's not like OP's response is even disproportionate. It's not as if she's threatening to report him to the police or something.

OP, you and your DH need to come up with a plan of action. No new plate of food unless the other plate has been brought down, scraped and rinsed off. No taking drinks into his room without the old containers, cups etc. are brought out and disposed of, rinsed, recycled or whatever. Your DH has to be the one to implement the showering, teeth brushing and hands down the pants. You both need to tell him, together, that these are the rules for you living here.

Typical teenage boy behavior--no wonder society is falling apart and failing. We have no standards any longer.

Whose house is it? Yours, his, or joint?
If it’s yours you can make your house rules. You call the shots.

If it’s his or joint, you and your dh need to agree on house rules. Agree appropriate sanctions for breaking them. Loss of pocket money, removal of game console, whatever works.
Then stick to them.

i think you need to insist that Dss is only in the home if your dh is too. dh has to step up and parent this child, for everybody’s sake. I expect that’s going to be inconvenient, but tough.

YANBU to dislike him. He sounds extremely unlike able.

The not showering/teeth brushing is rank. It’s normal-ish for 12 when they get sent to do it if they haven’t already. Not normal at this age.

The masturbating in public is far from normal. The only boy I have ever seen doing it has very severe learning delay.

The lying that the op hit him would be a deal breaker for me.
What if he says this at school? The school will be obliged to act on his allegations.
I wouldn’t be in the house alone with him.

The plates, well I could let it go. I suppose. Or not cook for him, if he refuses to bring the plates down.

Not really, unless you mean a spoilt teenager who has been allowed to do whatever he wants and get away with it.

Maybe OP dislikes him because he's telling lies about her?

But I forgot, she's a stepmum and hence must be evil.

OP the lying really needs addressing. I also wouldn't tolerate skipping family meals. If he doesn't want to participate, is he made to do his own cooking? Definitely a red flag if you've ended up acting as his skivy.

Mice and rats. Never had this issue.
I guess if plates are left festering but still.

Not antisocial either. Loads of familes don't eat together for whatever reason. It's not some great amazing ritual. It's just food.

We don't know what his life is like. We've read a very short post, could be true or not.

Then I suggest you don't enter into any sort of relationship where step children are involved

@paddlinman
I love how these threads go by some people, when they say your just going to have to suck it up all because they are a precious step child, 1st of if you to own the home you have a right to set rules and boundaries and not just suck it up cause its a sk, you have a right to feel comfortable in your home, he's 16 not 6 so should show some bloody respect, if it was my ss I would be telling him how it is, you know why cause I pay half of the mortgage and I'm not going to just bite my tongue as to upset anybody. Me and dp bought this house together so not like I just moved in.

He's 16. Not an adult and yes, I am defending him because he's a child living in a hostile environment with a SP that actively dislikes him

Firstly it's extremely antisocial and is usually facilitating screen/gaming addiction. Secondly it's a recipe for getting mice and rats because the average teenager eating in their rooms is not cleaning it daily as a kitchen table/floor generally is. Third most parents are only allowing it because they're afraid to upset the little darlings. If lots of kids do it that's just another indictment of the state of 21st century western families and parenting standards. Kids with specific issues are a whole other ballgame.

Don't understand the frothing about eating in rooms. Yes its gross not to bring plates down.

Maybe its because my dd has ASD and misophonia so we let her. However I know loads of kids who do.

The lies and the pants are the bigger deal.

100%

No you don't. You just want to vilify a 16 Yr old lad without knowing the full story