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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work event and breastfeeding

40 replies

Itsmyshadow · 04/10/2023 20:14

DC 18 months old is a terrible eater and sleeper. I have two older DDs who ate and slept really well from a young age and he has totally humbled me in both regards and made me realise how lucky I was with the girls.

As a result of the poor eating and sleeping I’m still breastfeeding him. This was never my intention but he barely eats at nursery and it ensures he gets a good feed in the evening (he still often feeds for 2 hours on days he doesn’t eat much 😩) and it’s my only way of getting him back to sleep when he wakes at 5am.

When I returned to work I told my boss I was still breastfeeding. Quoted the Equality Act 2010 (I work for a large multinational - I knew that would be enough to get the flexibility I needed 🤣) and said all I needed was to be on a certain train home every night and the flexibility to leave work early if it was cancelled. All good.

My commute is 1.5 hours. I work a lot with people from our US office and they are visiting in a couple of weeks. Boss has arranged for us to go out for dinner near the office and I’ve said I can’t come due to needing to put DC to bed.

Boss is early 50s and male. It was awkward disclosing breastfeeding in the first place so I haven’t told him I’m still doing so months later, but he probably knows as I dash out the door every time I’m in. Anyway, he’s said nothing wrong but he’s evidently disappointed I won’t be going, and was asking what time I have to put him to bed etc. To be honest it would be useful if I went as these are key working relationships and work is so busy they’re a little strained at present.

So AIBU if I don’t go? DC will take a bottle from me (he has one before I BF) but won’t take it from DH so he may well be going to bed not having eaten much all day and then not having any milk either. He can and does settle himself when he doesn’t fall asleep on the feed, but he’s never once not seen me at bedtime and I’d be 1.5 - 2 hours away depending on trains if he was really upset.

If I don’t go, what do I tell my US colleagues who are just going to think I’m
being rude? With limited mat leave in the US I’m not sure breastfeeding a toddler is the done thing over there (plus they’re all either older or male).

OP posts:

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 19:16

I didn't mean bf itself is unhealthy. I meant that 2 hours each night at 18months is very difficult for OP. And also an 18 mth needs some solid food too, if they are walking. Also it's exhausting. That's not great for OP. She needs a rest and she can pump if she still wants to supplement. But do think it's too much BF. And OP needs a rest

Jandob · 05/10/2023 19:12

You can give any reason for not going. You child will be fine, but if happy they will cope. You could facetime if you like but he will be left with other people in the future. I would have a practice run if you are that worried.

Grumpy101 · 05/10/2023 15:33

Sounds like he's your last baby and you're struggling to move on. How on earth can a working adult and a parent of 2 other kids spend 2 hours a night breastfeeding?

Your employer has been quite accommodating and your career will start to be negatively affected. Take the plunge, go to the dinner.

Universalsnail · 05/10/2023 12:25

I would go to the event. At 18 months he can have milk from a cup if he won't take a bottle from DH. He'll probably be upset and DH will have a hard evening until you get back but he'll be ok. I breastfed all 3 of mine until they were 5 but definitely by about this age if I wanted to go out in the evening around bedtime I would leave them with Dad and Dad would just have to work something out. If I remember he used to do a lot of rocking them.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/10/2023 11:03

Try the night out. It's only one night, if it goes badly you'll get it back on track. If it goes well, then happy days. Wouldn't be bothering with a bottle at 18 months!

Sounds like he could do with upping the solids (is he getting enough iron?) so no harm reducing the calories from breastmilk at this age to encourage that along.

Btw, it's a few years ago now for me but I could swear that your legal rights re breastfeeding and work reduce after the baby turns one.

takealettermsjones · 05/10/2023 10:28

Dessertinthedesert · 05/10/2023 08:23

😱 As usual some one with no medical knowledge on MN deciding bf is not healthy despite it being recommended by both the NHS and WHO until at least the age of 2.

Show quote history

It's not recommended as the only food source until 2.

I don't think that poster was saying that breastfeeding itself is unhealthy, rather that this whole situation sounds unhealthy (mentally and emotionally, not just physically).

Hibiscrubbed · 05/10/2023 10:23

@DC will take a bottle from me (he has one before I BF) but won’t take it from DH so he may well be going to bed not having eaten much all day and then not having any milk either. He can and does settle himself when he doesn’t fall asleep on the feed, but he’s never once not seen me at bedtime and I’d be 1.5 - 2 hours away depending on trains if he was really upset.

Nothing will ever improve if you don’t change things. This seems a totally bonkers and avoidable situation to me.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/10/2023 10:21

Surely, surely, the time has come for your husband/partner to just do it and break the cycle and deal with the fall out? It’s one night.

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 08:49

DinnaeFashYersel · 05/10/2023 08:24

Your Amercian colleagues will likely be far more accepting than your British ones. BF rates are far higher in the US than in the UK (everywhere is far higher than the UK - we are the worst in the entire world).

I was still bf at that age but that, said at 18 months I would be be in need of some personal independence from baby and use this as an opportunity for Dad to have a go at trying an evening of solo parenting.

Edited

Americans are very pro breastfeeding but they also tend to either become SAHMs or go back to work after 3 months and pump round the clock to feed their babies. It would be highly unusual for an American working mother to be exclusively breastfeeding and not bottle feeding, especially when the child is 18 months old.

DinnaeFashYersel · 05/10/2023 08:24

Dessertinthedesert · 05/10/2023 08:23

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 05:52

I think you need to wean him off the breast. It's not sounding healthy. He must be walking by now. He needs some solid food. He has to take bottles from DH. He is ruling your lives. And affecting your work and relationships. Your DD's must be shut out a lot. I would pump much more and get DH to give bottles. He is using this as comfort. Does he go to nursery? And eat with other kids? You must be utterly exhausted. A 1.5 commute and breastfeeding this demanding boy. It's too much. I think you must be at breaking point. And this can't be enough food for him. What food have you tried him on? Can he feed himself with a bottle? They can hold bottles at this age. Mine pretended she couldn't. But at nursery she did.

😱 As usual some one with no medical knowledge on MN deciding bf is not healthy despite it being recommended by both the NHS and WHO until at least the age of 2.

ZenNudist · 05/10/2023 08:21

Just go to the event. I bf both mine u til 2 and restarted work when they were 1yo. Occasionally I had to be away at night and they missed their one evening feed. It was fine.

You really do need to get away from being the only one to settle dc.

I think you are imagining more upset than there will actually be.

Rainbowshit · 05/10/2023 08:20

They are not a tiny baby anymore. They will survive. And as other have suggested you breastfeeding him so much is probably the cause of Hm not eating much in the way of solids. Go to the meal.

maddening · 05/10/2023 08:16

YouveGotAFastCar · 04/10/2023 20:38

Can DH meet you near the event, so you can feed DC after work but before dinner? That's what I'd do. I don't think it'd do much harm for him not to have the feed once, at that age, but if you don't want to do that, find a way to feed him between both so you can go to the dinner too.

It should be absolutely fine not to go - and it sounds like it is, really - but you're right that it will impact on work and client relationships. With all the will in the world, even if nobody questions it, you won't be there for the "bonding" time. If they aren't common events, I'd try hard to make this one work.

Don't beat yourself up about how long you're feeding for, either. I'm about to take DS on a work trip with me as he still breastfeeds, he's 21 months. He won't cause any harm, I'll still give my utmost at work, my day won't be interrupted, I'll go to the dinners and evening activities, but he'll have me at night when he still needs to feed.

I would probably do this too

Namechangedforthis25 · 05/10/2023 08:01

So I had this exact issue recently when I went back to work when baby was 10 months - literally exact issue as my clients were also US based

I did umm and err but decided to go in the end and it was the right thing. The dinner finished at about 10 so I headed back and was there when baby woke up anyway. And in the meantime I didn’t miss out on any connections being formed - so it felt like a win win and I would say you should go at 18 months or you may regret it

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 07:58

not just for work but don’t you want some freedom in the evenings? What do you do when you have evening plans like dinner or hobbies?

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 07:57

Honestly you need to go, and use this as a reason to get DC to take a bottle from your DH. If DC is hungry they’ll eat / drink. Most calories should be from food anyway now.

Ffsnotaconference · 05/10/2023 07:54

we have a similar event coming up. There’s no pressure to attend the event. People aren’t being judged for not coming. No one attending is breast feeding so it’s not the same one. But we have very Senior people from the US coming over.

However, it’s natural that these things do impact careers. The dinner is when people form relationships other than just someone attending a conference. You have a chat with someone, more in-depth than during the event. You get to know people better and form better relationships with them. Networking can be annoying and frustrating, but people who do the networking will find it helps.

I wouldn’t judge you for the reason. I wouldn’t judge you for not attending. But it will have impacts. I think I would do what I could to attend.

But then I am not sure I would be happy to never be able to go out on an evening or having to be home by (as an example) 5pm everyday either.

Fireisland · 05/10/2023 07:39

I BF DD until she was 2 so am obviously very pro-BFing, but even I think that not being able to go out in the evening at 18mo is ridiculous.

You may not have to attend the dinner but in reality it's not going to do your career much good. Just leave your child with your DH and let him deal with it!

Chocolatepopcorn · 05/10/2023 07:32

Just putting this out there gently - maybe one of the reasons he's not a great eater is you're still feeding him. An old Irish saying is 'hunger is a good sauce'. I'd say cut out the breast feeding and if nothing else, get dh to practise giving him the bottle.

theduchessofspork · 05/10/2023 07:18

I do think you need to go - it’s an important work dinner and it’s part of your job. Leaving work at a certain time is a reasonable work adjustment - skipping a key client dinner isn’t, and your boss will be justifiably pissed off.

My experience of working in the US is that they are champion pumpers - women often only get 3 months maternity even in big multinationals, but it’s very common to express and BF to about a year. BF would be no excuse for skipping a work dinner after 6 months.

Your son will be ok with your husband for an evening, even if they have a bit of a bumpy ride, it’s not a huge deal.

With kindness OP I think you and your husband need to tackle this together. At the very least, there is no reason your son shouldn’t take a bottle from your husband. Moving babies and little kids through different stages always involves a bit of a rough ride, but it does need to be done. I have nothing against BF older babies and toddlers but in all honestly the degree to which you are doing this does sound like like it is getting in the way of him building good eating habits, and must be exhausting you and impacting on family life. Work with your husband on this one - it’s a joint responsibility.

PinkyPork · 05/10/2023 07:07

Just go, your DH will be fine for one night. You need to try it eventually and this seems like a good opportunity.

Both my kids have been really into breastfeeding and feed to sleep (and I'm currently still feeding a 21 month old) and I've always been pleasantly surprised how well they settle for bed when I'm not there. Including my first who was an awful awful sleeper.

Mariposista · 05/10/2023 07:06

Go to the event.
Your child will not die or spontaneously combust after one night out of his routine (which sounds like he needs weaning off). It may be a hell night for your husband but let's be honest you are all being put through hell anyway! Things need to change.

PerfectMatch · 05/10/2023 06:26

I would try to go to the event - not to please your boss but to benefit your working relationships. I'm sure DH will be ok for one evening by offering food / milk / cuddles etc.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 06:21

You do need to work on him settling with dh. Have you not had an evening out since baby was born? I'd start small - pop to a friend/relatives close by so you can get home if desperate . Let dh manage with bottle then see how it goes . Do that a few times so he can get use to it. Do the meal if u think it will work otherwise decline but go next time.

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