DLA Payments

This might be one of the most beneficial comments for you @6Cactus. You should think about this and really take this on board.

It is not his money for whatever he wants as a child. It is money to be used on him and his needs to help manage them, which includes any extra household expenses due to his needs. It isn’t his money and you are going to have to put your foot down.

Do you understand that he doesn’t get to make this decision? You don’t need his permission. You tell him how it will be from now on, you do not give him the money, not even £200/300 of it. He doesn’t need it. You do need it to finances his needs. Give him £50 a month allowance and that’s that.

Stop the bullshit easy life excuse because you’re not helping him. It’s going to be tough for you, you’re going to have a few months of anger and fighting from him and you’ll have to hold firm on this and just get through it until he understands.

It won’t be easy. Accept that right now. This will be hard work, hard parenting. You’ll get through it but this is a big step for you and a big challenge for him as he has been so spoilt and his world view is so warped. It’s a lot of damage to undo, but for his sake, you really need to do it.

Yes, he has been to therapy I was paying for it out of my own money.

I think part of the problem is that you don’t see DLA as “your money”, which it is - it’s to support the additional household costs of caring for a disabled child. It’s not his money, it’s money for him - there’s a big difference.

I've got 2 adopted DC who receive DLA due to trauma caused in their birth family. So you don't need to explain traumatised children who've been through parental abuse and playing of the court system to me.

Spend some of the DLA on a parenting course. I'm being serious - parenting a traumatised child is hard work and takes skill. Your son needs firm consistent boundaries to feel safe. He need to know that an adult can be trusted to make the best decisions for him and that he as a child is not in charge of that. These are things that children who have been abused and let down can struggle with. You are not doing the best for your child by giving him what he wants for an easier life, and you're storing up a load of trouble for you both in the nearish future if you don't address this now.

This is insane. I’m sorry Op but it has to be said, he’s incredibly spoilt & you’ve built a rod for your own back here. How on earth does he even know you get £690 per month? This is unreal.

let him call the police, they’ll laugh. You need to find the strength within yourself to curb this fast. I really do feel for you & it’s going to be hard. Best of luck Op

DLA is supposed to go towards the additional costs you face because of disability. As a wheelchair user my DLA (now PIP) goes towards funding my wheelchair, vehicle to move the wheelchair (it's a big electric so needs a van and a hoist), and in theory things like walking sticks. It doesn't come remotely close to actually covering the cost of my disability, but I am very grateful for it.

Letting him spend the DLA on computer games when you are struggling financially is insane. As a child it's not his money to spend on toys, it is the money you, as his carer, use to spend on him for the things he needs to manage his disability. Having a disabled child is expensive, you've already mentioned his food, I bet there's loads of ways things are more expensive for you than they would be if he didn't have these difficulties. Give him some for the Lego if you feel it's therapeutically beneficial for him, but stick the rest in the general pot. Being disabled is an expensive business, DLA is supposed to cover some of that expense. Don't feel guilty about using it for what you need.

Just to add I would absolutely not be giving him all of that money to do as he pleases with. My son receives £20 a month pocket money and that's it. Your really doing him mo favours in giving him access to such a large amount of money as his age.

Is he in therapy? The DLA should be paying for therapy, and whatever the therapists suggest would help him.
Is he having tutor support to help him with subjects in school he is finding hard as he doesn’t attend school as often as he should?

The money is to provide what he needs, actually needs to help manage his conditions. And you’re using it on Lego for an easy life?

I don’t find many threads on here actually shocking or upsetting, but this is as a child is being badly failed when they money is there and available to give him what he needs.

I have an 11 year old son in receipt of dla, mid and low rate. When we first received it it went into the household pot as I had given up work to support him (single parent) As he's got older i have returned to work, and the money now goes on sports clubs, and general things he needs. He has lots of sensory bits and bobs. But some of the money also goes on things he breaks, household items, he doesn't break things deliberately but he fiddles and picks at things which results in breakages. I have also used the money for special toothbuses and family holidays. His disability impacts all of us.

I just give it to him for a much easier life. He has past trauma and also has a diagnosis of PTSD. If I were to explain to you, I’m sure you’d all understand.

I have a deeply traumatised 12 year old, what she needs is a secure home, clear boundaries and appropriate responsibilities to her age (along with therapy, medical care and specialist education provision). There’s no way I’d give her such a significant amount of money each month, it’s too much responsibility for her age and capacity. If I gave her her DLA it would go on clothes and Robux, instead of paying for tutor support that she needs.

I can understand you wanting to have an easier life in the short term but you’re doing him no favours. Parenting a traumatised child is very very hard work but if he’s telling you at 12 what he will and won’t do, it’s not going to be an easy life for anyone in the longer term. Especially if you’re struggling to make ends meet. If it were my daughter I’d give her an allowance each month and help her to budget and save for things she wants. Much harder in the short term but that’s parenting really.

Giving a child something they shouldn’t have (because it is hurting him in the long run) just for an easy life is bad parenting. You’re shirking your duties as his parent. That’s the bottom line.

Your easy life is going to turn his into a lifelong struggle to understand money, budgeting, boundaries. You are setting him up to fail. So, you’re easy life doesn’t sound worth it, does it?

Be a parent.

What do you think will happen if he phones the police? Nothing. Let him.

Sounds as if he needs a bit of a wake up call.

Easier life indeed. Your life's going to be well shit when he hits 15 if you don't start parenting him.

No, I don't understand. Even as someone with severe PTSD. You're letting him call the shots age 12, how do you think this will work out when he is 16? How will he ever learn to live a normal life? It may give you "an easier life" but your lack of boundaries may actually be causing him even more harm.

That's neither here nor there really. The level of trauma is irrelevant. The fact is that giving a 12 year old £700 to spend on toys and games every month isn't doing them any favours.

Honestly I would spend time gathering evidence it sounds like your daughter has some additional needs as I said you don't have to have a diagnosis but you generally have to have some evidence
It will be alott easier to claim with good evidence
My son was three when he was diagnosed and I only put in a claim.when he had a diagnosis i.was probably late in putting in a claim.
But having good evidence substantiates a claim

Thank you @YellowRosesWithRedTips, @x2boys, @Sprogonthetyne

We're quite early on in the process, so we've only seen a community paediatrician for an initial ASD appointment so far. Have got a report from that, but it was mainly just a summary of what I said in the meeting. She did obviously say she recommended further assessment for ASD (and recommended the school refer for ADHD).

DD masks a lot at school, so the only things they've picked up on are being easily distracted and "dominant in play". The SENCO is okay, but I don't think we're particularly a priority as there's no concerns academically nor behaviourally.

They don't see the sensory aversion behaviour or the extreme routine rigidity. Though it has spilled over a little since the start of term as her meltdowns in the morning (either about clothing, shoes or not wanting to go to school) have left her so dysregulated that she's been refusing to go in at the school gate/office (averaging 1-3 times a week) and on a couple of occasions had a meltdown in the school office.

As I said, I have arranged a private OT assessment, so might be able to use that.

You generally need some evidence ,even if it's only one letter etc ,you will.get people saying they were awarded without evidence but many more are refused with evidence
Its about care needs not diagnosis .

There's a section that can be filled in by 'someone who knows them well. We go the SENCO at DS's school to do it.

You can send a copy of EHCP, SEND suport plan, minutes from meeting with school or nursery, or any school reports that describe their difficulties, you have any of them.

Referral letter, or reports from any appointments you've had prior to getting referred. I think we'd seen pediatrician, Speech & Language and educational Psychologist before we got to assessment/diagnosis. Think we might have had a letter from health visitor aswell.

You’ve turned him into a spoilt brat. He is acting like any other spoilt child. When I first read this thread, I assumed he was getting maybe a couple hundred in DLA but to learn he was getting that huge amount and you’ve given it to him to buy whatever shit he wants… it’s unbelievable. What were you thinking?

The money is given to help pay for his additional needs. That’s what it is for. To pay for things he needs, to help you pay for his extra expenses.

You’re going to have to sit him down and show him a list of all the extra stuff he needs due to his issues, which other parents don’t have to pay for, and explain that his DLA is actually meant to be used for these things. Some of it can be used on Lego or whatever but his expenses have to be covered first.

You have to be tough. You have to treat him like a child who you guide and teach rather than an adult who makes his own decision. Be tough, stand your ground on this, and punish him for rude or bad behaviour. He can call the police all he likes; the money is to be used for his additional needs and that’s what you will be doing. The police will not care and hopefully they’ll give him a fright for wasting their time.

You are not helping him by letting him have access to that much money so young. He is going to get warped ideas about how much disposable income he'll have access to over the next few years and may struggle to adjust later on. That's more than I've had most of my adult life and I'm mid 30s.

I've been entitled to DLA/PIP since I was a toddler and my parents kept all of it and used it on living expenses until I was 15. I then got a £40 a week allowance from it that slowly went up as I took over more responsibility for my own living costs (buying my own clothes and toiletries etc) until I moved out a few years later and the money fully transferred over to me. This helped teach me how to budget and I managed to stay debt free (until the col crisis anyway).

No, not necessarily. However, you can get evidence that isn’t a diagnosis. For example, get a copy of the referrals. Also, any other evidence from the GP, school etc.

Thanks.... So they wouldn't automatically decline it if it was submitted without evidence?

I'd give him some, save some on his behalf and use the rest for things he needs due to issues he may have. My son gets dla for autism. We use some of it for 1.1 swimming lessons. He can't manage in a group.