DLA Payments

Christ this and the child benefit thread has made me seriously think the rules about state handouts should be seriously re-thought

She isn’t going to listen. This is, sadly, a child who will become a statistic. Another kid from a broken home who won’t grow to a well adjusted adult. She has the means to pay for therapy and tutors and extra curricular activities to help him cope with the anxieties he no doubt has, but is going to hand him several hundred pounds a month to spend on shit which isn’t helping him. It gives him a moment’s happiness but isn’t actually helping him adjust or improve his conditions in the long term, and that’s what the money is actually meant to be for.

Just another kid from an abusive home left to deal with his trauma without the help he should have, even with the money available. It’s very sad.

You are making your sons life harder in the long run.

You are teaching him not to value money or savings & to live way above his income.

The money is not meant to be spent on causing further damage, it is meant to be spent on things that will actually help him overcome some of the barriers his disabilities put into his life that others don't have to deal with.

That might be counselling, or speech therapy.
It could be certain foods, a weighted blanket/visual aid/tech that helps him with his own difficulties, transport, or a special club set up for people who find regular ones hard to attend.
It might even be the odd bit of Lego.
It is not pocket money.

Buying whatever crap he wants when he wants without thought & expecting hundreds of pounds of pocket money at his age, he's only going to expect you to provide him with the thousands it will cost to cater to a teenagers random whims.

He will not thank you for doing this.
He will almost certainly grow up to hate you, because you are not preparing him to live life in the community he is a part of.
Real life is going to be like getting smacked in the face with a brick wall when he has to navigate it.

You are setting him up to fail just so you don't have to do the work of being a parent.

Thank you for your comment, I am glad that someone here understands. I tried telling people, but it has only been disregarded.

People disagreeing with you is not 'being disregarded '. I and others have posted about how we too are parenting traumatised children. We do understand, we just don't agree with what you're doing.

My son went to school today, he had a good day. He will do this homework, then I’ll leave him to do whatever makes him happy.

Well let's hope 'whatever makes him happy' isn't putting next door's windows through, or tying a firework to the cat, or giving himself a facial tattoo eh?

You need to parent your child - even when it's difficult, even when he doesn't like it. Parent your child now, before this situation gets any more difficult to sort.

OP, that’s not what that poster was saying.

She, and most people, understand how you got here but that poster and everyone else is telling you that it needs to stop. You are not helping your son. You are not preparing him for his life. You are doing him harm in the long run.

@herringboneparquet when you have a child who has suffered significant trauma the urge to try and counter that experience can be very strong, and sometimes there’s a “cost” in saying no in the form of very extreme behaviours. Add in the impact of trauma on the OP and I can see how she might get to the “anything for an easy life” mindset. Spending on endless Lego might keep her child occupied on something constructive and help him regulate his emotions to some degree.

It’s not helpful for her or her child in the longer term, but I can see how someone would get there. You really need a backbone of steel (along with deep empathy and compassion) to parent a child with significant trauma.

This has to be a wind up

Happiness does not equal getting what you want.

His happiness is what is important to me.

But he isn’t happy - meeting your emotional needs by buying whatever you want isn’t happiness, him bullying you into doing what he wants isn’t happiness. You struggling to cover the basics for him isn’t happiness.

Yes we need to be child centred in our parenting but that means taking the bigger view on things our children can’t see yet. It doesn’t mean giving him what he wants. Some short term pain is so needed at times, our children need to become functioning adults or we’re doing them a huge disservice.

I get the desire to keep him on an even keel, trauma can bring with it very challenging behaviours and we can be tempted to do anything to avoid having to deal with that behaviour - I do get it. The problem is our kids need to learn how to cope with disappointment, unhappiness and unfairness because life is that way sometimes. It means setting and holding boundaries with and for them.

Are you honestly thinking of his unhappiness or are you wanting to avoid challenge?

I'm sorry, but I think this is a terrible idea.
I support an adult with complex learning and physical disabilities, and help him with lots of financial decisions, sorting bills, clothing, food, etc.

I have explained to him so many times about why he gets the money he does, and why I put some into an account for him to spend on sweets, going to the pub for a coke, etc. - and I manage the rest for his electricity, gas, etc. We also talk about when he might need a new coat, shoes, TV, also.
Although he would love to have more money to spend on chocolate and ice cream, we talk about why it's important to put £50 a month aside, in case he needed a new TV (or other larger outlays). It takes regular reminding, but he eventually comes around to it, although can be quite huffy too!

I think it might be time for you to be regularly having those conversations. Otherwise, it will be a massive shock when you aren't there, or when his income changes, for example. It's a long road, with regular blow ups/tears, but what will he do otherwise, when he's 18?

Surely it goes into your bank account. So either you have to hand him the cash or hand over your card for him to spend it.
Does he go shopping by himself?
Simply don't take him shopping. Don't give him access to online sites. Don't give him cash. Don't give him access to your bank account.

As he's already received it, it will be harder to take it back after the event

I would approach with 2 options -

1. have the full amount and pay your own expenses (have a list of the expenses, so half the gas, electric, water, internet (if it's just you 2 at home) full cost of all clothing and replacement bedding/furniture etc for himself, money towards petrol for any outings for himself, pay fully for anything needed which assists in terms of his disability)

1. Have the lower amount and you will continue to resolve the other expenses

Well good luck with the teenager you will have on your hands in a few years.

You are failing your son in order to have a quiet life. This isn't you prioritising his happiness, this is you prioritising avoiding conflict because you don't want to deal with it.

I feel sorry for your son, both of his parents have let him down. Sorry if you think that's harsh but it's true.

Lol righto

Well, good luck with the type of adult he is going to turn into. It isn’t about his happiness. It’s about an easy life for you and avoiding the hard parenting, but it’s the hard parenting that kids need the most. You’re failing him. But you do you.

If he won't go to therapy himself then I would be using the money for you to see a clinical psychologist who specialises in parenting traumatised children. They you can work with you on how to effectively parent your son. You need to be working towards your son being an independent adult and supporting his emotional growth. It sounds like you are both stuck at present.

This is a spot on answer.

It sounds like you yourself have poor boundaries.
No 12 year old needs that amount of money or needs to have details of your finances.

Him not wanting to go to therapy. He's 12. You're the mum so he goes.

Give him 50 a month is plenty. Get him back in therapy.
Give him structure and boundaries.
You're wanting an easy life is going to cause him to fail. He'll end up a manipulative and violent man as that's what happens.

You really do need to get a grip on this now, it is going to be SO much harder as he gets older.

He will start to draw the attention of his peers, you risk him trying to buy friendships, having hangers on out for what they can get, him potentially being bullied out of his money, or conned..

You have an opportunity, now, to sort this out, to his benefit - what happens when he turns 16, if he is used to all this money and then fails to successfully claim PIP? Which he very well might, it's extremely hard to claim and requires a lot of evidence, not simply a diagnosis.

No. The whole lot should go on the extra costs of raising a child with a disability. That's what it supposed to be for.

Your giving him all his money every week!

That's a ridiculous amount and you are lining him up to be exploited when other children see he has so much
My sons I paid for swimming lessons, clubs use it to buy the large amounts of clothing just so we can find what they are comfortable in, bolstering the family income as I am forced to work part time to deal with all their appointments.
Oh breakages when we have meltdowns, electricity bill as they insist on having fans on all night.

D.L.A should be spent to cover the extra costs of a disability....taxis, extra bedding or clothes, support to access activities things like that.

If you give him £300 a month that is £3600 a year to fritter away on lego and other stuff to keep him quiet and no doubt he will get birthday and Christmas gifts too.

If you don't get a handle on his behaviour now just imagine what an entitled and unpleasant young man he will be in 10 years time.

Quoting this again.

OP, you need support to parent your child. He’s 12 and controlling you. His past trauma is not a reason to never parent him again. He needs consistency.