DLA Payments

My eldest daughter is on pip. She keeps this in full (she's 18 now but from age 16). She buys a lot of her own food (coeliac, dairy allergy and struggles with certain foods so this as much as anything is for my sanity). Sometimes she'll use it to take her siblings out which she really enjoys. She can't really get a job, it would be too much with school and her disabilities, so it helps give her some independence.

The 2 15 year olds get £100 a month and a bit extra if they need it. One does climbing so it covers that. The rest goes into the family pot to cover extra costs like additional petrol, any time I have to take off work for appointments (I'm self employed) - just those additional costs we have really. I used to give them more but I was finding that whilst they had hundreds in the bank, I was here struggling to put petrol in the car.

Son's we are still waiting for but that will cover horse riding, swimming and reports we need for his EHCP - possibly some physio and possibly to replace his pushchair.

..

It’s still a ridiculous amount to give him, but if I was giving something up then I would cut down gradually too rather than all at once so once you get through this for a couple months, you could then consider putting the £250 into the bank rather than in cash in the house and use it to start teaching him about savings, interest, debit cards etc. It could be a really great lessons for him and maybe he could even use some of the £250 to buy himself some treat foods he enjoys, some clothes he needs that month. Just a little bit of responsibility over the money and learning to use some of it himself on the things he actually require rather than just wants.

You’ve taken the first step on the right direction, and if you can get that £250 in the bank and get him using it for things which it’s actually intended for them he’ll be well on the way to learning to manage things and understand how money works in the real world.

I guess that's progress but it's still a bonkers amount for a 12yo. Good that you're more aware now and can manage his expectations better going forward. At least it's happening before he's hitting his teens when you'd have even less ability to influence him. Not sure having £££ of cash saved at home is sensible though - good example of a 12yo's idea not being that worldly wise and needing an adult to advise, there's definitely some power imbalance here.

I used to give my child £100 and used the remainder to pay for his other items

It was still a considerable amount for a child his age

Totally agree with this. It'll ruin him unfortunately.

The OP really doesn’t understand the difference between “his money” and “money for his needs.”

The whole thing is just very very sad because a child is being failed when the financial means are there to give him the best possible chance to overcome his trauma by providing for his needs with more substantial help than a Lego set. It’s just very sad. He will be in an awful state when he ages up and doesn’t have this sort of money, and be a terrible teen. Spoilt kids never make good teens and adults, and this kid has even more challenges. Just very very sad.

Don't be ridiculous! The money is for the additional costs of having a disabled child. If I gave my son the DLA payments, it would be gone in a day and he'd still be begging me for more because he's compulsive. Instead, it goes into the pot, he had pocket money and I also save a bit for larger items. Otherwise, it's towards the endless uniform, clothes, shoes and food. So much food. I think you need a better understanding of what DLA is for.

Yes far better to.let him waste it on Lego
Never mind that we can't afford to live without it 🙄🙄

Ultimately, you'll do what you do and you'll see the consequences. DD1 gets PIP and can't manage her own money. I take care of it and I give her £50 per month pocket money which is spent as quickly as it comes. She's had a formal capacity assessment and very clearly told the social worker that as far as she is concerned, money is to be spent as quickly as possible on toys, even though it should be spent on bills first. The assessment concluded that she has the capacity to understand that she doesn't have the capacity to manage money, so she will make an LPA as soon as she turns 18. If the SW had assessed her as not having the capacity to understand that she'd be terrible with money, I'd have to apply for deputyship.

DD2 is transitioning on to PIP. She could technically manage her own money but, in contrast to DD1, gets very anxious about spending even small amounts of money, and can't talk to people to manage her money. I had a conversation with her to explain that she is allowed to keep her own PghIP, but if she did so she would need to buy things she needs, or I could manage her money and give her an allowance out of it. She opted for me to be her appointee.

I think you are dodging a vital responsibility to your child for an easy life.

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Its not her sons money, it’s money to meet her sons additional needs.

Surely it's better spent on bills than lego

@6Cactus if I didn't put my daughter's DLA into the family pot of money we would be homeless, naked and very hungry.
Husbands wage doesn't quite cover everything. If my daughter wasn't autistic I would be working - but she needs me at home so at home I am. I get Carers Allowance but that's not the equivalent of a wage.
We need the DLA to pay towards....well life !
And THAT'S WHAT IT IS FOR 🙄
(sorry to shout but I..... actually not sorry to shout)

No offence taken. I looked at what would be of the most value to my son, and realised that was my time. So i use his dla to get that for him. I am happy with my decision.

I don't think you should be spending the money intended to meet your son's additional needs, on lego..

"Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket."

This is what i think you should be spending it on.

Hit enter too early.....

Give him a set amount, of course, but don't give him all of it, that's not helping him at all.

@6Cactus you aren't doing him any favours, I promise you that. I was legally adopted by my grandparents when I was 7 due to my biological mother being a twat (that's the nice version). They spoiled me to compensate for it and as a result as a teen and I was fucking HORRIBLE. I ran rings around them, threw fits when I didn't get my own way, all because like you they just wanted peace and let me away with it. When I first moved out I had a rough time adjusting to dealing with money because like your son, I had a ton of it to play with and didn't budget/plan.

Honestly, it will not end well. It fucked my head right up for years and years after, please don't do that to your son.

Thats what it is for. She needs to be home to care for him, so it pays the bills she can’t pay if she works fewer hours, and she needs to work fewer hours because she has a child with additional needs who needs her to be home. That is exactly what it’s for.

You are the one using it in a irresponsible and completely wrong way. You’re the one failing your kid, you’re in no position to judge anyone.

My son is Autistic and receives high rate care, low rate mobility. His money mostly pays bills which enables me to work 3 days a week instead of 5. I am also a single parent. Having me around more is what he needs the most.

Be careful saving in DC’s name, especially if they may not have capacity as an adult or may need social care support as an adult.

I put some of my DS DLA in to an ISA that he can access when he turns 18, might support him in adulthood if he needs it, if not its a deposit on a house, or a car etc. Some of it I give him to spend, and some of it I use for activities for him like swimming lessons, or days out.

Another kid from a broken home who won’t grow to a well adjusted adult.

I know what you’re trying to say, but a PTSD diagnosis at 12 suggests life altering trauma - the child may never get to a place of “well adjusted”, regardless of all the therapy in the world. It’s commonplace for the parent to then in many subtle and not so subtle ways to receive messages that it’s their parenting to blame - if they had been more loving, set more boundaries, been more therapeutic in their parenting their child would be fine. I’ve had it about my DD and luckily have the professional background to challenge those judgements. If you haven’t parented a child with deep seated trauma you literally have no idea.

In saying that @6Cactus I do understand what it’s like, but I think you’re wrong in giving him free rein over his DLA. It’s too much money for him to be responsible for, and leaving the household short of the very funds needed (and provided) to bridge the gap. You’re strong up trouble for him and for you if you don’t get a grip of it - yes it’s bloody difficult and yes it’s not fair but he needs you to set clear boundaries while you still have a bit of control over him. He’ll hate it and push back (as he has done) but he needs you to hold firm boundaries or he won’t learn how to set and hold his own boundaries.

The suggestion of using some of the money for a specialist parenting course is a good one. If you look for something aimed at adopters it’ll give you the skills needed to parent a child with complex trauma. Also use the money for therapy for yourself to help you stand firm with your child.

Dont confuse a placid child with a happy child, any child who gets their own way will be easy, but smooth seas never made a good sailor.